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Author
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Topic: Political Humor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-21-2002 04:13 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Posted on Wed, Dec. 18, 2002
TRENT LOTT EXPOSED
A 'neatnik,' a southerner & he's really a chester By DON RUSSELL
HE TALKS like a Southern-bred cracker and looks like he got his haircut in 1954. But what else do we know about Sen. Trent Lott?
Thanks to his years of prominence in Congress, from Nixonite congressman to Senate majority leader, the public record paints a damningly clear picture of the Mississippi good ol' boy fighting for his political life after exposing himself as a Jim Crow segregationist.
We know, for example, that he's a former cheerleader.
He compares himself favorably to Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States of America.
And he's a self-described "neatnik" who keeps his socks sorted by color. (No word on whether he permits the black ones to mingle in the same drawer as the whites.)
What else?
Read on...Here are 50 things you didn't know about Trent Lott.
1. Born Oct. 9, 1941, in Grenada County, Miss., to a laid-off hubcap factory worker and a piano teacher.
2. Trent is his middle name. His real first name is "Chester."
3. Boyhood nickname: "Gap," because, he later said, "I had a gap between my front teeth you could drive a Mack truck through." Braces cleaned up his smile in his 20s.
4. Dad was a heavy drinker who died in a car crash when he and the other driver were both DUI.
5. Third-grade crush: Betty Truelove.
6. Married his college sweetheart, Tricia Thompson. Has a son, Chet, and daughter, Tyler. Trish and Tyler once took heat from the folks back home in cotton-picking country for wearing polyester in a D.C. fashion show.
7. When Tyler got married, Lott was reported to have danced with every woman on the guest list. "I was kind of out of control," he later said.
8. His uncle was a local leader of the anti-integration White Citizens Council.
9. Token minority gesture: The council doesn't wear hoods.
10. Voted "neatest boy" in his high school class.
11. Practiced food segregation as a lad. "He didn't like his food to touch," says a high school classmate. "He would eat one item at a time, and then turn the plate."
12. Never drank alcohol.
13. Suffers from incessant bad breath, frequently pops mints.
14. Wears starched white shirts and silk ties.
15. Combs every strand of hair into place before leaving home.
16. And, no, despite appearances, it is NOT a toupee.
17.Keeps his socks sorted. "Doesn't everybody?" he wondered in an interview with NBC's Lisa Myers.
18. Slips into cotton pajamas immediately after returning home from work.
19.Favorite phrase: "Straight ahead."
20. Is Trent Lott Satan?
Visitors to a Web site
(mongo.virtualave.net)
devoted to that question voted 3-to-1 that he is, in fact, Beelzebub.
21. Token minority gesture: D.C. sedan of choice is a Cadillac.
22. Attended all-white Pascagoula High. Sang in the boys' quartet, elected class president.
23. Attended all-white University of Mississippi in the early '60s, where he opposed integration by student James Meredith. "Yes," he told Time in 1997, "you could say that I favored segregation then."
24. As president of the school's all-white Sigma Nu chapter, he voted against integration of his fraternity.
25. Earned bachelor's degree in public administration and law degree from Mississippi.
26.Token minority gesture: Credited with keeping his fraternity brothers out of the 1962 anti-black Ole Miss riot that ended in two deaths and 150 arrests.
27.Played tuba in high school.
28. As head cheerleader at Ole Miss, he carried the Confederate battle flag onto the field during football games.
29. Formed an all-white quartet at Mississippi called The Chancellors.
30. At-ease, humorous public speaker. Once took a swipe at Al Gore's claim that he invented the Internet by retorting that his own well-known "passion for order" led him to invent the paper clip.
31. As a member of the all-white Singing Senators (with Larry Craig, Idaho; James Jeffords, Vermont; and John Ashcroft, now attorney general), he appears on "Let Freedom Sing!" CD. The CD was produced by one of Lott's former college buddies who was a former singer on the "Lawrence Welk Show."
32.Token minority gesture: The group frequently sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic."
33.Built political contacts in law school while running Ole Miss alumni office.
34. One year out of school, he abandoned his law practice and began political career as aide to U.S. Rep. William Colmer, a Mississippi Democrat known as an ardent segregationist.
35. Elected to House in 1972 as a Republican on Richard Nixon's coattails. Later became first Southern Republican whip.
36. Elected to Senate in 1988, became GOP whip in 1994 - the first Republican ever elected whip in both houses.
37. Was Senate majority leader for five years, till his singing partner, James Jeffords, defected to the Democratic party in 2001.
38. Wrote legislation declaring Jefferson Davis' Senate desk the permanent seat of the senior senator from Mississippi.
39.Token minority gesture: Hired black people to work for his Senate office staff, contending, "My actions in trying to directly help individuals" means more than his votes as a congressman.
40. Loves pork-barrel spending in his state. When Mississippi dropped to No. 6 in per capita federal spending earlier this year (from No. 3), Lott bemoaned the decline, but said the state's ranking is "still very respectable. Of course, the definition of wasteful 'pork' is always in the eye of the beholder. In my eye, if it's south of Memphis, it sure isn't pork."
41. As youngest member of the House Judiciary Committee, he voted against impeachment of Richard Nixon in 1974. Twenty-five years later, he voted for the impeachment of Bill Clinton.
42. Credited with undermining Sen. John McCain's 2000 presidential bid.
43.Torpedoed anti-tobacco bill of 1999.
44. Though he represents the 50th poorest state in the union, he is known as one of Washington's biggest opponents of efforts to raise the minimum wage.
45. Picked an early fight with Sen. Hillary Clinton, but backed off when she showed her spine.
46. Once declared he feels closer to Jefferson Davis "than any other man in America."
47. In mid-'90s, organized the Dark Ages Weekend, a mid-winter outing for ultra right-wingers at Miami's posh Doral Golf Resort and Spa in Miami.
48. Was among the Republicans who walked out of Sen. Paul Wellstone's memorial service at the University of Minnesota.
49.In 1981, helped Jackson, Miss., annex white suburbs to dilute political strength of black voters.
50. Token minority gesture: Introduced Senate resolution condemning arson of black churches. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-22-2002 09:16 AM
Rated PG
Sung to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"
BOMB IRAQ
If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.
If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.
Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.
So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-24-2002 01:01 PM
Rated PG
Correct Holidays...
Republicans say, "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say, "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time,to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays,Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores,Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for"incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans,but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so.That is why their kids pretend to shoot
each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work
decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money,and drive around at night to
look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before
wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree,but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday
meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either,as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped
believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in
Santa Claus.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-24-2002 06:49 PM
Rated PG
Pick one:
1 What did Attorney General John Ashcroft do to a pair of partially nude statues in the Great Hall of the Justice Department
A. Fitted them with chastity belts
B. Draped curtains in front of them at a cost to taxpayers of more than $8, 000
C. Decried them as part of an epidemic of "Girls Gone Wild"
D. Serenaded them with a stirring rendition of his blockbuster hit, "Let the Eagle Soar"
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2 Death Star, Fat Boy, Get Shorty and Ricochet are all names for what?
A. Domestic security programs proposed by John Ashcroft to monitor the movements of all citizens at all times
B. Schemes Enron used to manipulate California's electricity market
C. Schemes Enron used to manipulate Dick Cheney's energy task force
D. Nicknames given by President Bush to senior members of his Cabinet
E. Nicknames given by Trent Lott to his buddies
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3 Match the politician with the quotation:
A. Bill Clinton
B. Strom Thurmond
C. Al Gore
D. Tom DeLay
E. James Traficant
1. "I wanted to have Playboy bunnies come on at night to meet with me. I wanted to be promiscuous with them."
2. "I love all of you, and especially your wives."
3. "I set up a music room in my house . . . and blow away."
4. "I'm concerned about the economy. I was the first one laid off."
5. "We're no longer a superpower. We're a super-duper power."
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4 What did Bill Clinton say he would "grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die" for?
A. A chance to be the next Oprah
B. A chance to star on "The Bachelor"
C. The defense of America
D. The defense of Israel
E. An advance copy of Playboy's "Women of Enron" issue
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5 President Bush said all of the following except:
A. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."
B. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
C. How many Palestinians were on those airplanes on Sept. 9? None.
D. "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
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6 True or false: Former Vice President Al Gore was pulled aside for random airport security checks twice in two days while flying to and from Washington, D.C.
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7 Beijing's largest newspaper printed as fact a satirical news story from "The Onion" that claimed:
A. Congress was threatening to relocate to Memphis or Charlotte unless a new Capitol was built with a retractable dome
B. Kevin Bacon has been linked to al Qaeda
C. Nuclear bomb instructions had been found inside the Pentagon
D. President Bush had called on the United Nations to support his "U.S. Does Whatever it Wants" plan
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8 Talk radio host Rush Limbaugh has referred to former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle by all of the following nicknames except:
A. Hanoi Tom
B. El Diablo
C. Turd Blossom
D. Puff Daschle
-----------------------------------------------------------------
9 Match the Iran-Contra scandal conspirator with his current line of work in the Bush administration:
A. Elliott Abrams
B. John Poindexter
C. Otto Reich
D. John Negroponte
1. Convicted in 1990 on five felony counts of lying and obstruction of justice (the conviction was later overturned); now heading the Pentagon's Total Information Awareness Project
2. Pleaded guilty in 1991 to withholding information from Congress (he was later pardoned by the first President Bush); recently promoted to serve as Bush's point man on the Middle East
3. Ambassador to Honduras while illegal aid was funneled through that country to the Contras; now serving as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations
4. In charge of an agency accused of running a covert propaganda campaign against the Nicaraguan government; now serving as the State Department's special envoy to Latin America
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10 A congressional investigation found that military personnel used Pentagon-issued credit cards to make which of the following purchases at taxpayer expense:
A. $38,000 for lap dances
B. $34,250 for gambling expenses
C. $3,400 for a sumo wrestling outfit
D. $16,000 for a corporate gold membership
E. All of the above
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11 Which one of the following statements about newly elected Rep. Katherine Harris is false?
A. She was opposed in the Republican primary by a dog whose owner mounted a write-in campaign
B. She received a $250,000 campaign contribution from Maybelline
C. She violated Florida election law by failing to resign as secretary of state in time to run for Congress, but got around that by backdating her resignation letter
D. She won the lottery held for incoming House freshmen to determine first choice of Capitol Hill office space
E. She was appointed to a Congressional leadership position that controls the Republican's vote-counting operation
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12 Who said, "The only thing I know, 100 percent for sure, is that my husband is an honest, decent, moral human being who would do absolutely nothing wrong."
A. Hillary Clinton
B. Carolyn Condit
C. Lynne Cheney
D. Linda Lay
E. Patricia Traficant
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13 Match the following staunch proponents of war against Iraq with their reason for avoiding military service in Vietnam:
A. Dick Cheney
B. Tom DeLay
C. Trent Lott
D. Rush Limbaugh
1. "Had other priorities"
2. Had anal cysts
3. Claimed there was no room for patriotic folks like himself because minorities had taken up all the slots
4. Had already served instead as a college cheerleader
ANSWERS
1.B, 2.B, 3. A-3, B-2, C-4, D-5, E-1, 4.D, 5.C (Dan Quayle said it), 6.True, 7.A, 8.C (Turd Blossom is Bush's nickname for Karl Rove), 9. A-2, B-1, C-4, D-3; 10.E; 11.B; 12.D; 13. A-1, B-3, C-4, D-2
Daniel Kurtzman is a San Francisco writer and former Washington political correspondent.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-25-2002 09:03 AM
Rated G
A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-27-2002 09:21 AM
Rated PG
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...CLICK...empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn. Not to be outdone, The African repeats the ritual.... CLICK...empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of
the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last yeardevising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later
smiling, and says, "Your turn." The Africanescorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.
The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test
of courage is this?"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-27-2002 09:47 AM
Rated PG
12/07/02 - Man sentenced for talking of "burning Bush"
WASHINGTON, Dec 6, 2002 (Xinhua via COMTEX) -- A US man, who talked of "burning Bush" before President George W. Bush visited South Dakota in 2001, was sentenced on Friday to 37 months in prison.
Richard Humphreys of Portland, Oregon, was convicted in September of threatening to kill or harm Bush.
Humphreys vowed to appeal the sentence, saying that the comment was his right to free speech.
Humphreys made the remark as he talked with a truck driver at a barroom, their discussion was overheard by a bartender who reported to police about the possibility of someone burning Bush.
"I said God might speak to the world through a burning Bush," Humphreys testified during his trial in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. "I had said that before and I thought it was funny."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-02-2003 12:06 PM
Rated G
Moses
Recently while going through an airport,President Bush encountered a man with long hair,wearing a robe and sandals,holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said,"Aren't you Moses?"The man
never answered but just kept staring ahead.Again the President said,"Moses!"in a loud voice.The man just kept staring ahead,never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said,"Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President."Well," said the President,"every time I say his name,he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak.Watch!"Again,the President yelled,"Moses!"and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the robe and whispered,"You look just like Moses.Are you Moses?"The man leaned over and whispered,"Yes,I am Moses,but the last time I listened to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
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