my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Political Humor (Page 26)

This topic comprises 47 pages: 1  2  3  ...  23  24  25  26  27  28  29  ...  45  46  47

Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2004 11:57 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will halt America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next. It's really getting ugly  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-16-2004 12:12 PM                        Rated PG John Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign.Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint." The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it.So, John Kerry shows up,and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty,a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar,a cheat,and a thief.He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy,John Kerry is a saint."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2004 09:29 AM                        Rated PG For the Republicans out here: Monica Lewinski has deceided to vote Republican this year. The Democrats have left a bad taste in her mouth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2004 11:14 PM                        Rated PG At a press conference today,Teresa Heinz Kerry,wife of Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry,announced that she's going to be on the campaign trail with her husband! "To prepare myself," she said,"I have shaved off all my pubic hair.From now until the election,I shall sit on the stage with John,and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America." "Just what is that message,Mrs. Kerry?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement. To which Teresa replied, "READ MY LIPS, NO MORE BUSH!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 09:23 AM                        Rated G Michele Did you hear about this? On one of the campaign stops the other day, John Kerry gave a pep talk to the Mansfield, Ohio senior high school football team. And then they went out and got creamed 34 to 7. Well, you can understand what happened... After ten minutes of listening to Kerry, half the team fell asleep and the other half was zig-zagging all over the field. Didn't know which way to go. They had no direction.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-02-2004 01:24 PM                        Rated G Lee in Seattle I live in Washington and the old "buy a car in OR and live in WA" is a very common thing. Now, on the side of a good joke,I offer this from an Email I rec'd yesterday. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had an Elect John Kerry bumper sticker on it. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-02-2004 01:28 PM                        Rated G John Kerry, taking a stroll with a senior member of Congress meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it. Curious,he says to the girl;"What's in the basket?". She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. " How nice" said Kerry. " What kind are they?". The little girl says,"Democrats". Kerry smiles,pats the little girl on the head and continues on. Three weeks later again taking a stroll,he sees the little girl again with the same basket. Kerry says ;"Watch this,it's very cute".They approach the little girl.Kerry asks how the kittens are and she says fine. He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" s She replies,"Republicans." Somewhat abashed,Kerry says,"Three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!" "I know," she says." But now they have their eyes open".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-02-2004 01:42 PM                        Rated PG The Hillary Clinton Memoirs "Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out.So much of her personality shines through,that in the end,you,too,will want to sleep with an intern." --Craig Kilborn "In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,'Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton,falling in love with him, getting married,and living a passionate,wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." -- Jay Leno "In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair,she said 'I could hardly breathe,I was gulping for air.' No,I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." -- David Letterman "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York,announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States.Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed..There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." -- David Letterman "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington.People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." -- Jay Leno "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made is a promise broken.And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." -- Craig Kilborn "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.Women admire her because she's strong and successful.Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It. --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York.When they swore her in,she used the Clinton family Bible.You know, the one with only seven commandments." --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Dan Bouvier Film Handler Posts: 70 From: Sylvan Lake, Alberta, Canada Registered: Aug 2004 posted 10-02-2004 09:10 PM                     Canadian politics circa 1995... Deborah Gray walks into a bar with a Liberal on her head, and the bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the Liberal says, "I don't know, I just woke up one morning and it was stuck to my butt!"  |  IP: Logged Gerard S. Cohen Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 975 From: Forest Hills, NY, USA Registered: Sep 2001 posted 10-06-2004 04:03 PM                     Who leads us to war and who questions it?? DEMOCRATS: Richard Gephardt: Air National Guard, 1965-71. David Bonior: Staff Sgt., Air Force 1968-72. Tom Daschle: 1st Lt., Air Force SAC 1969-72. Al Gore: enlisted Aug. 1969; sent to Vietnam Jan. 1971 as an army journalist in 20th Engineer Brigade. Bob Kerrey: Lt. j.g. Navy 1966-69; Medal of Honor, Vietnam. Daniel Inouye: Army 1943-'47; Medal of Honor, WWII. Charles Rangel: Staff Sgt., Army 1948-52; Bronze Star, Korea. Max Cleland: Captain, Army 1965-68; Silver Star & Bronze Star, Vietnam. Ted Kennedy: Army, 1951-1953. Tom Harkin: Lt., Navy, 1962-67; Naval Reserve, 1968-74. Jack Reed: Army Ranger, 1971-1979; Captain, Army Reserve 1979-91. Fritz Hollings: Army officer in WWII, receiving the Bronze Star and seven campaign ribbons. Leonard Boswell: Lt. Col., Army 1956-76; Vietnam, DFCs, Bronze Stars, and Soldier's Medal. Pete Peterson: Air Force Captain, POW. Purple Heart, Silver Star and Legion of Merit. Mike Thompson: Staff sergeant, 173rd Airborne, Purple Heart. Bill McBride: Candidate for Fla. Governor. Marine in Vietnam; Bronze Star with Combat V. Gray Davis: Army Captain in Vietnam, Bronze Star. Pete Stark: Air Force 1955-57 Chuck Robb: Vietnam Howell Heflin: Silver Star George McGovern: Silver Star & DFC during WWII. Jimmy Carter: Seven years in the Navy. Walter Mondale: Army 1951-1953 John Glenn: WWII and Korea; six DFCs and Air Medal with 18 Clusters. REPUBLICANS: Dennis Hastert: did not serve. Tom Delay: did not serve. Roy Blunt: did not serve. Bill Frist: did not serve. Mitch McConnell: did not serve. Rick Santorum: did not serve. Trent Lott: did not serve. Dick Cheney: did not serve. John Ashcroft: did not serve. Jeb Bush: did not serve. Karl Rove: did not serve. Saxby Chambliss: did not serve. Vin Weber: did not serve. Richard Perle: did not serve. Douglas Feith: did not serve. Eliot Abrams: did not serve. Richard Shelby: did not serve. Jon Kyl: did not serve. Tim Hutchison: did not serve. Christopher Cox: did not serve. Newt Gingrich: did not serve. Phil Gramm: did not serve. Dana Rohrabacher: did not serve. John M. McHugh: did not serve. J C Watts: did not serve. Jack Kemp: did not serve. Rudy Giuliani: did not serve. George Pataki: did not serve. Spencer Abraham: did not serve. John Engler: did not serve. Arnold Schwarzenegger: AWOL from Austrian army base. Antonin Scalia: did not serve. Clarence Thomas: did not serve. PUNDITS & PREACHERS Sean Hannity: did not serve. Rush Limbaugh: did not serve Bill O'Reilly: did not serve. Michael Savage: did not serve. George Will: did not serve. . Paul Gigot: did not serve. Bill Bennett: did not serve. Pat Buchanan: did not serve. John Wayne: did not serve. Bill Kristol: did not serve. Kenneth Starr: did not serve. Ralph Reed: did not serve. Michael Medved: did not serve. Charlie Daniels: did not serve. Ted Nugent: did not serve.  |  IP: Logged Jeremy Fuentes Mmmm, Dr. Pepper! Posts: 1168 From: Corpus Christi, TX United States Registered: Jan 2004 posted 10-07-2004 08:23 AM                     .....waiting for the punchline from the previous joke.....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2004 10:30 AM                        Rated G Gerard Missed one Republican: Robert F. Maar USMC Sgt. Febuary 23, 1961 to February 22, 1967. Semper Fi!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 09:05 AM                        Rated G B.B. Governor Jeb Bush 700 North Adams St. Tallahassee, Florida 32303 Open Letter to Jeb Bush Dear Mr.Jeb Bush: We aren't going to have a presidential election with the problems that we had in 2000, are we? Frankly, I don't care who your brother and father are -- don't make me send any more hurricanes. God  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2004 09:57 AM                        Note: Came across this just this morning but thought you could use it in for more years. Rated G The Official 2004 Presidential Debate Drinking Game By David Martin. Published September 29, 2004 Let's face it. The presidential debates are a nuisance. But for whatever reason, most television networks feel obliged to carry them. So stop your whining and make the best of a bad situation with the Official 2004 Presidential Debate Drinking Game.All you have to do is line up your favorite beverage and pick a candidate. Then let the game begin: - Every time President Bush says the word "safer," take a drink. If he uses the word "democracy" in the same sentence,make it a double. - For every John Kerry reference to the UN, have a drink. - If Bush uses the phrase "compassionate conservative," you must chug your entire beverage. - Take one drink for every three times Kerry points with his left hand. - Any prev iously recorded Bushism, like "misunderestimate" or "subliminable," used by the president during the debate requires one drink. - If Kerry exceeds the time limit for any response, take a drink. - Back-to-back offenses require a double shot and a NoDoz. A reference by your candidate to any of the following requires one drink: 1) Florida 2) North Korea 3) Axis of evil 4) Saddam Hussein 5) The American people - And for an exciting twist on the game, anytime anybody mentions the word "Vietnam," everybody has to take a drink. In this game, everyone's a winner. At worst, you'll reach the end of the debate experiencing a warm,pleasant buzz.But if you're really lucky, you'll pass out by 10 o'clock and won't have to listen to the closing statements. Cheers! Copyright © 2004, Chicago Tribune <http://www.chicagotribune.com/>  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:32 PM                        Rated G Herbert Hoover Herbert Hoover once complained to former president Calvin Coolidge that his attempts to promote economic recovery during the Great Depression seemed to be having minimal impact; moreover,his critics were becoming increasingly vocal and belligerent. "You can't expect to see calves running in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows," Coolidge remarked. "No," Hoover replied. "But I would at least expect to see contented cows."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 47 pages: 1  2  3  ...  23  24  25  26  27  28  29  ...  45  46  47

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.