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Topic: Political Humor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-10-2003 02:47 PM
Rated X ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the genie, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American White women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Daryl C. W. O'Shea
Film God
Posts: 3977
From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from)
Registered: Jun 2002
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posted 03-12-2003 05:41 PM
PG 13
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good so the devil opened the First room: In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the Second room: In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a Third door: In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in with disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........................
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-13-2003 04:19 PM
Rated G
Welcome to Heaven
" While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the common people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, the politician joins a group of contented souls gliding from cloud to cloud, playing harps and having a good time. Before he realizes it 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and grins menacingly. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.Today you voted for us!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-20-2003 07:36 AM
Rated G
Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",Libya,China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Justas Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupidIran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having,for starters,a really dumb name."Right.They are just as evil... in their dreams!"declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il."Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . .we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil."They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad."An axis can't have more than three countries",explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition.In World War II you had Germany, Italy,and Japan in the evil Axis.So,you can only have three,and a secret handshake.Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,as within minutes,France surrendered.Elsewhere,peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs.Cuba,Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil",while Bulgaria,Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".With the criteria suddenly expanded and
all the desirable clubs filling up,Sierra Leone,El Salvador,and
Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst.But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".
Canada,Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America",while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick".
"That's not a threat,really,just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him,a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis,although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay",accusing one of its members of filing a false application.Officials from Paraguay,Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel,meanwhile,insisted it didn't want to join any Axis,but
privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-21-2003 12:40 PM
Rated G Alex
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an
afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht.
They're admiring the sights when,all of a sudden,the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.Secret
service guys start to launch a boat,but Bush waves them off,
saying "Wait, wait.I'll take care of this.Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and
walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks
it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard.He hands
the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning,the Washington Post carries a story,with front page photos,of the event.
The banner headline is:"Bush Can't Swim." ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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