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Author
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Topic: Political Humor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2003 12:56 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Aliens Attack
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-16-2003 10:21 AM
Rated G
The New California Governor has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state,rather than German,which was the other
possibility.
As part of the negotiations,The Terminator's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or,perhaps even better,"Austrionics".)
In the first year,"s" will replace the soft "c".Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k".This should klear upkonfusion,and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year,publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer,ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza.Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil,pleas pas it on to oza pepl.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 02:48 PM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
This Pastor has guts!!
Thought you might enjoy this interesting prayer given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people.
When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:
"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to
seek your direction and guidance.
We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.
We confess that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it Pluralism.
We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent to direct us to the center of Your will and to openly ask these things in the name of Your Son, the living Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen!"
The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev.Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively.
The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa, and Korea.
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the of the Story," and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired.
With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called "one nation under God." ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-19-2003 09:51 AM
Rated G Hank in Terminator State
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first
night in the White House.The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,How can I best serve my country?
Washington says,Never tell a lie.
Ouch!SaysHillary,I don't know about that.
The next night,the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary
says,How can I best serve my country?
Jefferson says,Listen to the people.
Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night,the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears...Hillary says,How can I best serve my country?
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-21-2003 07:32 AM
Rated G Janine
Supposedly, Bill Clinton is deaf to sounds of certain pitches,
and news reports state that this means there are particular words
he cannot make out. They did no specify what those words were,
but I have secretly obtained the official list. Here they are:
"No", "Mister", "President", "I", "Don't", "Want", "You", "To",
"Remove", "Your", "Pants".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-23-2003 10:33 AM
Rated G Late Night Hosts
"Earlier tonight on CBS was the 'Andy Griffith Show' reunion. What a great show,everyone was there - Gomer was there, Goober was there,Barney was there,Opie was there,Otis was there,Floyd was there.Oh wait a minute, those are the Democratic candidates for President."-Dave Letterman
"John Kerry is on the show tonight.He fired his campaign manager which surprised me cause I thought his hairstylist was the first to go." - Jay Leno
"Marine divers have located a Civil War shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean.At first they were confused.When they found this ship with a Confederate flag on it,they thought,'Oh my God, Howard Dean's yacht has sunk.'" - Jay Leno
"Today's Washington Post says that of the nine Democratic
presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the most presidential
hairstyle. Not only that but the Post said that Al Sharpton had
the best hairstyle of a first lady." - Conan O'Brien
"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich - he says he is now looking for a wife.When Bill Clinton heard this,he said,
'Hey take mine.'" - David Letterman
"Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says he stopped drinking 22 years ago and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since.On the other hand, Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers and started drinking pretty heavily." - Jay Leno
"In a recent interview,Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot.So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." - David Letterman
"In his new book,'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his
wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight - he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school and avoided Vietnam.He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." - Jay Leno
"Last night during a Democratic presidential debate, candidates
John Kerry, John Edwards and Howard Dean all admitted they had
smoked marijuana and Al Sharpton admitted that his barber smokes
marijuana." - Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing General
Wesley Clark. Do you know the difference between General Clark and Clinton? The general knows how to control his privates." - Jay Leno
"Wesley Clark is being coached by former President Clinton. I
believe this is the first time a general is being advised by a pot-smoking draft dodger." - David Letterman
"According to a new Newsweek poll,after a few days after entering the race,General Wesley Clark is already the Democratic frontrunner,according to the polls if the race were held today Clark and Bush would be a virtual dead heat.In a related story
Bush announced he is calling Clark out of retirement and sending
him to Iraq." - Jay Leno
"Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes
now." - Jay Leno
"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty
hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean
misspoke several times,Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president.And Bush said, 'You can't'?" - Jay Leno
"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name asingle Democratic candidate running for president.The other 34% are Democratic candidates running for president." - Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman took a shot at frontrunner
Howard Dean. He said Howard Dean is a ticket to nowhere. So at
least Lieberman will have someone to ride with now." - Jay Leno
"Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean is on the cover of both Time and Newsweek, and presidential candidate John Edwards is on the side of a milk carton." - Jay Leno
"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential
candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out.Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone
with bigger hair than she had." - Jay Leno
"The Democrats had their first presidential debate over the
weekend. Nine guys showed up for the big debate. What a dreary
group.Did you see these guys? President Bush took one look at
them and said,'I might win this one fair-and-square.'" - David
Letterman
"The candidates are getting ready for the 2004 election. So far thefrontrunners for the Democratic nomination are Dick Gephardt,
Senator John Kerry, former Governor Howard Dean, and Senator Joe
Lieberman, or as Bush calls them ace of spades, two of clubs, the king of diamonds." - Jay Leno
"Saturday night I watched the nine candidates during the Democraticpresidential debate,and it was so boring that ABC picked it up as part of their fall schedule. Half way through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium.You know who the winner was? Anyone with a remote in their hand." - Craig Kilborn
"The Reverend Al Sharpton attacked President Bush, saying he
ruined the economy. For instance, Sharpton hasn't been able to
find a job in over 46 years." - Craig Kilborn
"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech." - Craig Kilborn
"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is running forpresident - all right, settle down. Gephardt ran once before forpresident in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis." - David Letterman
"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery.
But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic
candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best.The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." - Jay Leno
"Joe Lieberman announced yesterday that he's running for
president.He made the announcement at his old high school. Out of force of habit,the kids gave him a wedgie and broke his
glasses." - Jay Leno
"Well folks it's started, the presidential race.Democratic
Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who is also a personal
injury attorney,has announced he is running for president in
2004. Good slogan too,'Elect me and there will be one less
lawyer.'" - Jay Leno
"Did you hear about the controversy surrounding the Joe Lieberman
campaign? Turns out years ago he may have experimented with
charisma." - Craig Kilborn
"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today.
Apparently, his hair got too close to the space heater." - Jay Leno
"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again.Now if you don't remember Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who
cheated on his wife with a skinny girl." - Jay Leno
"Here's a great story,incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he's driving on vacation in Florida,saw an SUV that overturned on the highway, stopped, got out of the car,jumped over and helped the victims until the paramedics arrived.In fact, this is being called the closest thing Republicans have ever had for providing health care to people.He was not the only senator who stopped at the accident. John Edwards the trial lawyer stopped and chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." - Jay Leno
"The Democrats have selected Boston,Massachusetts,as the site of their 2004 Democratic Convention.The convention will be held in
September.This way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face
mathematical elimination together." - Jay Leno
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