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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2004 09:46 AM                        Rated G This complaint was found in the Complaint Book of the Katwa- Ahmedpur Line of the Indian Railways: Beloved Sir, I am arrive by Passenger train and my belly is too much full of Jack fruit. I am therefore want to Privy. Just as I am doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with lota in one hand and dhoti in next when I am fall over and expose some of my personal thing to many female women on the platform. I got leaved at Ahmedpur station. This is much too bad, if passenger go to make dung that dam guard not wait five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honor to make big fine on that dam guard for public sake otherwise I am making big report to papers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2004 09:48 AM                        Rated G B.B. An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2004 11:48 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Our four children, always on the go, frequently communicate with each other by leaving notes around the house telling where they've gone, what they're doing, or whatever. Recently, we came across the following written exchange between Michael, 18, and Steve, his 12-year-old brother: "Steve--borrowed your hairbrush. I'll return it when I get back. If you need one, mine is in Mom's car (which is why I had to borrow yours).--Mike" Steve's response, written on the same note was: "Mike--It's not mine. It's the dog's. Steve"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2004 11:59 AM                        Rated PG Headlines GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT The Tallahassee Bugle MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS The Anchorage Alaska Times GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"] The New Haven Connecticut Register THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON The Arkansas Plainsman CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS Bangor Maine News STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION The Washington Times CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL The Bosnia Bugle LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW Newsday ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX San Antonio Rose PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE Chicago Daily News TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS The Miami Herald MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING The New Haven Connecticut Register GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS The Tallahassee Democrat WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY! The Houston Chronicle  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:22 AM                        Rated G Samantha in Georgia My mom doesn't lie about her age. She just says she's the same age as my dad. Then she lies about HIS age.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:30 AM                        Rated G A woman came up to the teller's window at the bank where I work. I noticed that she looked dejected, and asked how I could help. The customer said she needed to withdraw $2000 from her savings account. As I reached for the money in my drawer, I wondered if she wanted large-denomination bills, so I asked, "Big bills?" "No," she said, shaking her head. "It's the IRS."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:32 AM                        Rated G SIGN ON DOOR OF AN IRS OFFICE: You Can Cheat On Your Wife, But Not On Your Uncle Sam!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:33 AM                        Rated G Michele Some OneLiners Tax Humor to help you get through this TAXING Day. Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians." The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing. We wouldn't mind this "pay-as-you-go" tax so much if we knew what we were paying for and where it was going. Even if money could bring happiness, think what the luxury tax would be! There's one consolation about life and taxes - when you finish the former, you're through with the latter. One can be born free and then be taxed to death. It will be real nice if taxes get down to where we can afford to make a living. When filling out my income-tax form, can I claim the government as a dependent? If you fill out an income tax return correctly, you go to the poor house. If you don't, you go to jail. We wonder why they call them "tax returns" when so little of it does. At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income-tax return. After a man pays his income tax, he knows how a cow feels after she's been milked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:34 AM                        Rated G Michele The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:38 AM                        Rated G Michele In the interest of returning some level of sanity to public discourse,I am stepping into the breach. In an effort to give you all something else to focus on until Martha's return,I present Housekeeping Tips for do-it-your-selfers. The Bathtub: Modern science has yet to explain how it is that a bathtub, which gets sluiced with soapy water just about every day, gets dirty. However, while we wait for an answer, my solution to dirty tubs: Install a brand new one. Shellac it. Padlock the bathroom and tell everyone in your family where to find the garden hose. Leaf Raking: Every autumn, millions of homeowners around the world spend hours raking leaves up from their lawns. Every spring, they spend hours spraying their lawns with artificial fertilizers. Answer: Let your children run through the leaves as much as they like, breaking them down into mulch. Whatever the wind doesn't catch and blow onto your neighbor's lawn is natural fertilizer for your patch. Cobwebs: Removing each individual cob web as it appears is very time consuming. My advice is to wait until the spiders have created enough webs that it becomes one big, house-covering super web. This should only take about 2.5 days. Then grab a thread, stand in a corner, and reel it all in. (Caution: this may drag furniture and small animals out of place). The Kitchen Floor: Notoriously difficult to keep clean, because it's a high traffic area in your house. Solution: Attach mop heads to your children's shoes, your spouse's shoes, and all four paws on the family pets. Since they're the ones running through it all the time, they may as well clean it as they go. Vacuuming: Buy one of those new robot vacuum gadgets, which recently received the most backhanded consumer review ever: These things really suck!!!! Dusting: Dust will come off the furniture automatically as you reel in the cobwebs. Incidentally cobwebs and dust also make great lawn fertilizer. Dirty dishes: Two words - paper plates. Cars: I get a great deal of amusement from watching my neighbors waste an entire Saturday afternoon washing their car. I mean, there are so many other important things you could be doing with that time, like, for instance, kicking back and watching the other neighbors rake their lawns. My theory on car cleaning is that the industry invented leases for a reason: by the time you can no longer tell the make of model of the car, or you lose a passenger to the backseat debris, your lease has expired and it's time for a new one anyway. Shoveling the Sidewalk: If all you northerners followed my advice about leaves, you won't need to do this. The decomposing leaves that blow onto your sidewalk will release enough heat to keep your sidewalk clear for months. Spreading some on your driveway will have the same effect, plus, it's fun to drive through the leaves. There, that out to keep everyone occupied for a while. No, no need to thank me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:39 AM                        Rated G Michele A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:56 AM                        Rated G Michele A man wrote a letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:58 AM                        Rated G Feeling guilty about my action of years ago,I have sought to purge my vile past through the ritualistic purchases of triangular sports banners. I'm seeking pennants, just like the priest told me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 10:00 AM                        Rated G Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial. The note said: "Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone." The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way. The judge made a noise. "I wanted someone from maintenance," she said. The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom's right side. The judge apologized to the paramedics when they arrived.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 10:01 AM                        Rated G Sarah was at Kate's house the other day, and she said, "You know, I have to ask, why do you have a full portrait of yourself above your bathroom sink?" Kate replied, "So I don't have to buy a new mirror."  |  IP: Logged

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