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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 08:48 AM                        Rated PG THE TENETS OF IDIOT PHYSICS: Disney's First Law of Humor: Comedy increases proportionally with the number of Dalmatians. Magellan's Vox Theorem: Voice transmissions in a given language become understandable by non-speakers of that language when amplified beyond normal conversational volume,occasionally resulting in quicker directions to the bathroom. Couch's law: An object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless there's something good on TV. Constant of Luminosity: An otherwise intelligent adult, wanting to see if a flashlight works,will point it directly into his face before activating it,upon which he will become annoyed at his stupidity in temporarily blinding himself yet again. The First Law of YeeHaw: Your 1972 Chevy Nova can beat a train to any intersection. Doppler's E-mail Effect: Popularity is directly proportional to the quantity of number of chain-letter e-mails one forwards. Saget's Theorem: For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction that will ultimately result in a supposedly-amusing whack to the gonads. Earl's Rule: A bowling ball's direction, y=Nx, contains a variable N which can be manipulated via post-partum contortions of the bowler. The Theory of Rapitivity: E = MC Hammer Sprint's Law of Teledynamics: A body at rest will stay at rest;a body in motion should keep calling up the body at rest, offering complicated long distance deals. Foyt's Postulate: If everyone driving faster than you is a maniac,and everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, you can convert maniacs into idiots by driving as fast as possible. Homeboy's Music/Genitalia Extrapolation: The louder the bass in your car radio,the bigger your penis. Lite's Law: If an item is designated as "low-fat," one should consume as much of it as the stomach can possibly hold. Harrelson's Law: The distance from your car to the Krispy Kreme drive-up window is in direct proportion to the number of bong hits you've taken. Querrior's Theorem: The number of phone numbers one is likely to receive at a rave increases dramatically with the number of times one exclaims,"Zesty!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 08:50 AM                        Rated G Louise SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY- ASSTRONOMER A true man of science, Jeff loved nothing better than going to the nude beach and observing the proceedings in his capacity as asstronomer. DEFINITION: One who spends much of their time observing the backsides of heavenly bodies.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 09:02 AM                        Rated G Michele After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a city suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished."A paramour?" he said."Does your wife know?" "Sure," said the Southerner."Why should she care how I cut the lawn?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 09:05 AM                        Rated PG Nancy in Albany, NY I was sitting here watching my hubby play pool the other night. It was his turn to break, so he took his turn. He did not sink any balls. His comment to that was.... "Talk about a woman's shot." Well, now how would you women take that comment??? Exactly...so when I asked him what he meant he said: "All bust... no balls."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 12:17 PM                        Rated G Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell. The first one asks,"What are you in for?" "I'm here for something I didn't do," replied the other. "So you're innocent? What didn't you do?" "I didn't run fast enough."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 12:36 PM                        Rated G A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea:"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 09:52 PM                        Rated PG Michele "Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my Bobby was lucky to have such a beautiful wife," said Ray, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well." "I feel I should warn you, Ray," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour." "But I'm not doing anything." he protested. "I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-07-2004 01:08 PM                        Rated G Norman and his wife live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So Norman's wife goes out and moves her car as directed. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again as directed. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the plow can get through?" With all the love and understanding in his voice, like all men exhibit who are married to Beautiful Blondes, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-07-2004 01:10 PM                        Rated G Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," says the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... (scroll down) > > > > "Liver alone, Cheese mine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2004 12:20 PM                        Rated PG Greg in the Northwest Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc., Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable! "It's the best feel-good food around!" Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt." A few cherries on the side wouldn't hurt.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2004 11:01 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley Here's some stuff to think about... * Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. * 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. * Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. * 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. * 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. * 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs). * The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. * 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. * 82% believe in an afterlife. * 45% believe in ghosts. * 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. * 29% of us are virgins when we marry. * 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. * 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an Item. * 69% eat the cake before the frosting. * When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. * 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. * 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. * Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. * 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. * 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. * 58% of women paint their nails regularly. * 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've usedthe toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. * 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're usingthe toilet. * 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. * 17% have been caught by the host. * 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. * 29% of us ignore RSVP. * 71.6% of us eavesdrop. * 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. * 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. * 53% read their horoscopes regularly. * 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. * Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. * 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. * 6% propose over the phone. * 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2004 11:19 AM                        Rated PG Use these at your own discretion: 1. I swear when I snap, you'll be the first to go! 2. Let me guess...your parents are cousins. 3. Save your breath...you'll need it to blow up your date. 4. Hey, it's the Dumbass Show...starring you! 5. Roll over and play smart. 6. People like you are the reason people like me take medication. 7. My parents said I could be anything, so I became an asshole. 8. Save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl. 9. I used to care but now I take a pill for that. 10. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems. 11. Yeah keep watching, maybe I'll do a trick. 12. If I got smart with you, how would you know? 13. To save time, let's just assume I know everything. 14. You must have fallen into a big pile of dumb-shit. 15. I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot. 16. I live in my own little world, but it's OK...they know me here. 17. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. 18. I wonder how much can I get away with and still go to heaven. 19. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap. 20. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 21. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter. 22. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 23. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 24. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 25. What am I? Flypaper for idiots!? 26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?? 27. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 29. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 30. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2004 05:15 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot,which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee,until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim,and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh,there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily,"I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room,and spit it back in when I get outside your office."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2004 06:46 AM                        Rated PG Michele A sign was placed at the entrance of the large machinery plant. It said: "Warning to young ladies:If you wear loose clothes,beware of the machinery.If you wear tight clothes,beware of the machinist."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2004 07:07 AM                        Rated G Michele Why Men Should Be Built By Kodak They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used. You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot. They last longer and come with a warranty. You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle. They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it. They come in fashion colors. You can keep them in maximum zoom. They come with replaceable or adjustable parts. The parts that count are portable. They don't mind over-exposure. They respond to the slightest touch. The one you want is available at a KMART near you.  |  IP: Logged

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