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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:14 AM                        Rated G At the Blackjack table A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "Okay, but, the waiter brings me whatever I order. So I'll take an eight."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:18 AM                        Rated PG City streets aren't safe to walk on. Cars are being stolen at a rapid clip. Homes are burglarized. The air around us is poisoned. But thanks to advertising, our underarms are fully protected.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:20 AM                        Rated G When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple explanation. "I'm just lucky, I guess. I turn to the racing page, close my eyes and stick a pin in it," he said. "Lucky!" the bookie exclaimed in disbelief. "But how did you pick this four-horse combination?" "Well,"the gambler admitted,"I didn't have a pin,so I used a fork."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:18 PM                        G Alex The US Government says that the life of a twenty dollar bill is about 6 months. What I'm trying to do is find out where these things go to die and strike it rich.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:38 PM                        RATED PG Ashley,a young blonde woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage.She was gone several days,but finally she returned. Her friend,Susan,never saw Ashley looking so sad."Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.Glad you got back okay.But you look so sad.Why?" Ashley said,"Cause I just can't get a man." Susan replied,"Well,you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." Ashley said,"Don't be so silly.I know that.But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man.But I couldn't find it." Susan said,"I don't understand what you're talking about." Ashley replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." Susan asked,"So,how is that gonna help you get a man." Ashley answered,"Well,I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:50 PM                        Rated G SIGN ON A NOTICEBOARD: "Guitar for sale, cheap, no strings attached."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:57 PM                        Rated G The spaceship crashed,but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests,through the fields,and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light.Suddenly,the light turned from green to yellow,and then to red. Turning to his traveling companion,one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here.If there's one thing I hate,it's a woman who's a tease."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 05:03 PM                        Rated Double R More Things NOT To Do In The Nude: • Fry bacon • Slide into home plate • Arc weld • Wrestling • Bathe a cat • Sit on an ant hill • Play hockey • Operate a weed wacker • Clear a patch of poison ivy • Present a children's television show • Make a snow angel • Insulate the attic with fiberglass • Bullriding or Bullfighting • Operate a lathe • BBQ • Parachuting • Chop firewood • Beekeeping • Hop over a picket fence • Crawl through a barbed wire fence • Train an attack dog • Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 05:09 PM                        Rated PG As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.You came to me unexpectedly during the calm balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,you laid on my naked body... You sensed my indifference,so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation,and drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep.Today when I woke up, you were gone,I searched for you to no avail,only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still shows marks,making it harder to forget you.Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...As soon as you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go,will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.Won't rest until I squeeze your blood out of you...You Damn Mosquito.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 09:18 AM                        Rated G "A man is seated in a football stadium with a small TV set tuned to the game. The sideline camera takes the picture, and his image travels through the lens, out of the camera, to the truck, to the satellite, to a ground station several miles away, back into the air, and to the man's TV set. He sees himself on the screen. The image travels from his eyes to his brain. His brain sends a signal to his arm to start waving. The image travels to the camera, through the lens, to the truck, to the satellite, to another ground station a thousand miles away where it is retransmitted into the air and picked up by a cable company that sends it to the man's parent's TV set. The image travels from the screen to his mother's eyes, along the optic nerve to her brain, where it references her memory and recognition takes place. Her brain then sends a series of signals to her lungs, throat, lips, and tongue, and she says, "Look, it's Miller!" --George Carlin  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 11:57 AM                        Rated PG Messages in Fortune Cookies That I'd Like to See... "If you ever want to see your Aunt Edna again, deposit five hundred thousand dollars in small unmarked bills next to the neon 'Budweiser' sign in the front window by five o’clock." "You are fat. Stop eating so much Moo Goo Gai Pan.Chicks don't like that." "The road less taken is less taken for a reason.Buy a map,stupid!" "Hey, there’s a spider on your back! Ha, ha, just kidding. Gee, you are gullible." "You will receive a prediction that won’t come true from a delicious piece of foreign confectionary." "No one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." "Your lucky number is nada. Get the message, amigo? No? OK then,how about squat and a half?" "Do you know exactly how many trees died so you could feel somewhat wistful about life for less than five seconds instead of guilty about how much cholesterol you just ingested?" "You will soon encounter a land of riches and extravagant wealth.Try investing some stock in Pets.com." "Samuel L. Jackson is responsible for the train wreck in 'Unbreakable.' There, I just saved your ass eight bucks." "If you keep eating this food, the MSG’s gonna clog up your arteries and kill ya. That’s not a prediction, bub." "Only you can prevent forest fires,but then again,only you can start them. killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill" "Yeah,that’s right.You found the fortune in a 'fortune cookie.' Yep. That's me, the fortune...in a ‘fortune cookie.’Man,what are the odds of that happening?" "To whoever finds this, please help me.I am being held captive by the owners of this restaurant and am forced to kill the hamsters that go into the dishes served here. Call the police and don’t eat the Kung Pao." When you get to the end of a Chinese meal,the waitress brings the check with your fortune cookies, which is in my opinion the most ingenious invention in modern cuisine since the Happy Meal. How many other foods can say that they have the ability or at least the know-how to predict what events fate will unfold in your future? You eat the crunchy vanilla-laced treat and search for the message before you the cookie because (and admit it, we all do this) if the message turns out to be bad something like "Your kidney will explode in the next five seconds," then you have something to throw in anger at the waitress who brought you the darn thing. I have a cool idea...Why not contribute your own fortune in the forum...should be fun!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 12:10 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues Automobile Acronyms AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot First On Recall Day First On Rust and Deterioration First On Recall Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of R&D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. and Ron's DNA GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion Got A Mechanic Coming? HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. (I added that one.) HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated G A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon.A big Texan standing at the bar saidto his friend,"Watch me make this dude dance." He walked over to the prospector and said,"You're a foreigner,aren't you?From the East?" "You might say that," said the prospector,"I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold." "Now tell me something,"said the Texan,"Can you dance?" "Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan.And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospectors feet. Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf. About an hour later the Texan left the saloon.As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click.He looked around and there,four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen. The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule?" "No," said the quick thinking Texan,"but I've always wanted to."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 02:21 PM                        Rated G Alex WORLD RESTAURANT... Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary. Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready? Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix? Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit? Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales. Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java. Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself.I'm only here to Serbia. Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am! Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat! Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice! Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia! Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 02:36 PM                        Rated G MARIA: I'll have you know that I've been asked to get married lots of times PAUL: No kidding! Who asked you? MARIA: My mother and my father.  |  IP: Logged

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