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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 09:57 AM                        Rated G Coffee Cake Diet An overweight business associate of my friend decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously,even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. Everyone scolded him, but his smile remained angelic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery'" "And sure enough," he continued,"the eighth time around the block, there it was!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 10:01 AM                        Rated G Screech, scratch, honk, buz... An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises .... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" ... and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises ... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" ... and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z ... from the short-wave radio."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 12:06 PM                        Rated G Dancing Couple Girl: "You would be a good dancer except for two things." Boy: "What are the two things?" Girl: "Your feet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 01:23 PM                        Rated G Blind Man A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 01:31 PM                        Rated G Quotes from stupid announcers These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. "That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3 Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1 "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories." Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets." James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:14 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Deep Thought For The Day: "I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:21 PM                        Rated G The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:31 PM                        Rated G Political Correctness for Teenagers. No one fails a class anymore,there merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention,you're just one of the "exit delayed." Your bedroom isn't cluttered,it's just "passage restrictive." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principals office.You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." It's not called gossip anymore.It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful.It's "digestively challenged.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:41 PM                        Rated PG Yet another "Married...With Children" fat-lady insult-swap: Fat Lady: I'm not sure these shoes are the right shade of blue. Al: Okay, tell you what I'll do.I'll put you in front of a mirror and slowly begin to choke you. When you reach your desired shade of blue, you say 'moo' and I'll stop. Fat Lady: That's it! I'm taking my business elsewhere! Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig?!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 04:16 PM                        Rated G Funny Inventions * In the 1980's, French women Dominique Peignoux, Yvette Guys and Francoise Dekan marketed a musical napkin that was placed inside a baby's diaper and played "When the Saints Go Marching In" as soon as it became wet. * William A. Calderwood of Peoria, Arizona patented helium filled furniture that would float to the ceiling when not in use to allow extra floor space and be pulled back down by a rope as needed. * It was in 1966 that America's Thomas J. Bayard invented a vibrating toilet seat, acting on the belief that physical stimulation of the buttocks is effective in relieving constipation. * James Moreau developed a brassiere in 1988 which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast. A transparent version is suggested for those who wish to make a fashion statement. * In 1984, Inventor Timothy Zell developed a method of growing unicorns that are of higher intelligence and physical attributes,They are also said to be useful as a guard animal. What you may not want to know is the method involves surgical alteration of a one-week old goat, so that its two horn buds will grow together.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 04:46 PM                        Rated G ........... How can you live without knowing these things? The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest pope was 11 years old. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: - Spades: King David - Hearts: Charlemagne, - Clubs: Alexander, the Great - Diamonds: Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ´I am.´ is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. Q. What separates ´60 Minutes,´ on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ´A´? A. One thousand. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day. Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase ´goodnight, sleep tight´. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: ´mind your P's and Q's´. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ´Wet your whistle´ is the phrase inspired by this practice. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:12 PM                        Rated G Gift for a blonde A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:15 PM                        Rated G Wizard's Parking Lot So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:18 PM                        Rated G Skiing Preparation This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski. 10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. 8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. 5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker! 2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated G What really happened... *** "I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game. *** "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown. *** "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973. *** "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz. *** "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944. *** "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9. *** "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954. *** "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind. *** "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test. *** "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine. *** "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases. *** "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s. *** "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945. *** "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912. *** "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914. *** "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936. *** "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899. *** "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.  |  IP: Logged

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