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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 08:00 PM                        Rated PG Ways to Stay Stressed Are you worried about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the followingclinically proven methods: Never Exercise - Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying. Eat Anything You Want - Hey,if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to. Gain Weight - Work hard at staying at least 25% over your recommended weight. Take Plenty of Stimulants - The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine. Avoid Relaxation Practices - Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The'perpetual work' ethic is good for staying stressed. Get Rid of Your Social Support System - Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them. Personalize All Criticism - Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack! Males and Females Alike - Be Macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself! Become a Workaholic - Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies. Discard Good Time Management Skills - Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get achance. Procrastinate - Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress. Worry about Things You Can't Control - Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues. Become Not Only a Perfectionist But Set Impossibly High Standards - and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them. Throw Out Your Sense of Humor -Staying stressedis no laughing matter,and it shouldn't be treated as one.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 08:03 PM                        Rated G A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it,right after that I won a $250,000 house,so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week,I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night,as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder,it all started to sink in.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 08:23 AM                        Rated G ...............What Is Marriage? A kid's point of view. What Exactly Is Marriage? "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, Age 6 "When somebody's been dating for a while,the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her,'I'll take you for a whole life,or at least until we have kids and get divorced,but you got to do one particular thing for me.'Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, Age 9 How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry? "You flip a nickel,and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, Age 9 "My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, Age 8 Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married. "Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, Age 8 "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, Age 5 How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet? "They were at a dance party at a friend's house.Then they went for a drive,but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, Age 9 "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother.They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, Age 8 What Do Most People Do on a Date? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies,and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, Age 10 "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, Age 9 When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10 "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, Age 9 The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married? "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, Age 10 "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, Age 9 "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.I'm just a kid.I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, Age 7  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 08:51 AM                        Rated G A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence. "Actually," she said, "one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the Congress." "How very nice." replied Morris the florist. "One of my mine was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the world."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:04 PM                        Rated PG The Top 13 Signs Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You 13. As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in the wind whispers, "Dammit!" 12. Always starts breakfast chat with "Hey, hotcakes -- I got your syrup right here!" 11. After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare Company,the only acting gig you can land is as "Dead Crack Ho" in a UPN movie of the week. 10. Only after you're committed to the mental hospital for schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices. 9. That's too big to be *bird* caca on your shoulder. 8. The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just COMPLETELY unacceptable! 7. Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas. 6. You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell,Sean Penn,and Mickey Rourke. 5. You're out of work,you bang your head every time you get in the car and the new Mrs. Rodman nags and snores. 4. Devil on your left shoulder: "You can beat the train." Angel on your right shoulder: "I concur. The locomotive is definitely beatable." 3. Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck. 2. Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank the monkey. 1. On one shoulder, a little red devil says, "Go ahead, let her do it. No one will ever know!" From the other shoulder, you hear,"That's right,Tubby -- and besides, you're the President!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 04:15 PM                        Rated PG Social DIS-Graces, Etiquette For The Socially Impaired by Sherrie Weaver, Copyright 1977 by Great Quotations, Inc. It's okay to be rude to tourists, because let's face it, you'll never see them again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 04:54 PM                        Rated G Throw out the pest A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest. "Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 05:11 PM                        Rated G German Motoring Phrases 1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators 2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet) 3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust 4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch 5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture 6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver 7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car 8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers 9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt 10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway Code 11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights 12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist 13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck 14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid 15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 05:18 PM                        Rated G Law of Physics in Cartoons 1. Cartoon Law I - Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. 2. Cartoon Law II - Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. 3. Cartoon Law III - Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming exactly to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction. 4. Cartoon Law IV - The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. 5. Cartoon Law V - All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 6. Cartoon Law VI - As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 7. Cartoon Law VII - Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. 8. Cartoon Law VIII - Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. 9. Cartoon Law IX - Everything falls faster than an anvil.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 05:29 PM                        G Expensive Taxi Ride There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 09:13 PM                        Rated G Boat Race USA vs Japan The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both Teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's Management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:09 AM                        PG Animal Control Bumper Sticker This is a REAL bumper sticker that is put on the back of every Animal Control vehicle in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, appealing to people to spay or neuter their pets: "You think it's hard putting on a condom? Try doing it without opposable thumbs!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:23 AM                        Rated G Time is Money If you had a bank that credited $86,400 to your account each morning, carried over the balance from day to day, allowed you to keep no cash in your account at the end of 24 hours, canceled out whatever part of that amount you failed to use, what would you do? Try to spend every cent, of course! Well, everyone does have such a bank, and its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. The next morning at the same hour it rules as lost whatever of this you failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance and allows no overdrafts. If you don't use the day's deposit, the loss is yours. There is no going back, no drawing against tomorrow. How do you spend your daily surplus? Best wishes for an Enormous Return on your investment Today.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:32 AM                        Rated G Why I hate Women Drivers Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup! It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big John and the family jewels. She ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call ! DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS....AND THEIR MAKEUP.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:35 AM                        Rated G Made in... Alarm clocks rings for 6AM (MADE IN JAPAN). While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in...AMERICA  |  IP: Logged

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