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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-10-2003 07:04 PM                        Rated PG "Never ruin an apology with an excuse." -Benjamin Franklin I have Pullman car teeth...one upper and one lower. My golf game saw me three-over today. One over the house, one over the patio and one over a swimming pool. Social Security has been defined as a method that guarantees you a steak when you have no teeth left to chew it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-10-2003 07:06 PM                        Rated G Janine No family should ever consider attempting a car trip if the kids outnumber the windows.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-10-2003 07:15 PM                        Rated G Michele "What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light." ---Mark Twain (1835-1910)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-10-2003 07:18 PM                        Rated G Michele Southern Baptists still believe you can be "converted" from gay to straight... But if the Baptists cure all the gays, where will all the Baptist women get their hair done?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-10-2003 07:20 PM                        Rated G Michele The Fourth of July was coming up,and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said."One of the things we should be happy for is that,in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 03:05 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee "I installed a skylight in my apartment.The people who live above me are furious." --Steven Wright  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 03:06 AM                        Rated G What do outhouses and candy have in common? If there's no hole, it's not a lifesaver.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 03:21 AM                        Rated G A family had moved to Seattle from Texas,and each of them missed their old home. That December,when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school,his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard. One boy said, "We're Catholic,and we are going to Christmas Mass." "Were Jewish," said another child."And we're going to have a Hanukkah celebration. "Madison chimed in,"We're Texans, and were going to have a barbecue."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 10:29 AM                        Rated G Think about this: a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services) Then think about this: a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000. b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500. c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:25 PM                        Rated G Michele Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something. -- Anonymous  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 05:16 PM                        Rated G "Scientists say that the coast of California is eroding at two inches per year.They noticed when the last guy in line at Disneyland fell into the ocean." --Craig Kilborn  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 05:19 PM                        Rated G "Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." Kaiser Welhelm  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 05:43 PM                        Rated G Lorraine At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England,two old men are sitting on the front porch.One turns to the other and says,"I say,old boy,have you read Marx?" The other says,"Yes, it's these wicker chairs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 05:51 PM                        Rated G Janine This would be a wonderful world if men showed as much patience in all things as they do in waiting for a fish to bite.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 05:53 PM                        Rated G Rules of Life You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape - If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. - If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it,you may as well laugh about it now.  |  IP: Logged

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