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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:38 PM                        Rated G Michele How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's the one with the sesame seed buns!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:39 PM                        Rated G Michele What do you call a Chinese person holding a caulk gun? Caulkasian.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:42 PM                        Rated G Michele We cannot see the future.We cannot change the past.We can only live in the now,with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future,to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 02:00 PM                        Rated G The Difference in 30 Years 1973: Long Hair 2003: Longing for hair 1973: The perfect high 2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1973: KEG 2003: EKG 1973: Acid rock 2003: Acid reflux 1973: Moving to California because it's cool 2003: Moving to California because it's warm 1973: Growing pot 2003: Growing pot belly 1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1973: Seeds and stems 2003: Roughage 1973: Killer weed 2003: Weed Killer 1973: Hoping for a BMW 2003: Hoping for a BM 1973: The Grateful Dead 2003: Dr. Kevorkian 1973: Going to a new, hip joint 2003: Receiving a new hip joint 1973: Rolling Stones 2003: Kidney Stones 1973: Being called into the principal's office 2003: Calling the principal's office 1973: Screw the system 2003: Upgrade the system 1973: Disco 2003: Crisco 1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1973: Passing the driver's test 2003: Passing the vision test 1973: Whatever 2003: Depends  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 06:46 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: What do you call a werewolf who likes to work with clay? ANSWER: A hairy potter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 10:12 AM                        Rated G A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 10:15 AM                        Rated G Thought for the Day..... Never hold your farts in.They travel up your spine,into your brain, andthat's where you get shitty ideas from.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 10:36 AM                        Rated G Random Thoughts from Others "They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers." --Tommy Blaze Seen on a Bumper Sticker: You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant. Criticism should always leave people with the feeling that they have been helped. Don't put people down, unless it's on your prayer list. - Stan Michalski You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without. - Unknown We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life. Everyone has a right to be stupid.Some just abuse the privilege  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 11:59 AM                        Rated G Michele Did you know that the biggest sellers in the bookstores are cookbooks. The second biggest seller is diet books about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 12:03 PM                        Rated G Janine You know you're growing up when...... You realize it's YOUR underwear that your mother is hanging on the clothesline for all the neighbors to see.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 12:05 PM                        Rated G B.B. Paul McCartney buys Heather a new prosthetic leg and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb. "Is this my main Christmas present," she asks? "No," says Paul."It's just a stocking stuffer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 12:19 PM                        Rated G Michele When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice- She can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescentrubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around,made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed,I believe,by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit,but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit.It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it.The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,bottom, and sides.I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain,"Oh,there you are!" she said,admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape,and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane,pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit ..... a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly,so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome,I figured. When I got home,I found a label which read -- "Material might become transparent in water."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 04:46 PM                        Rated G Michele My friend had a wedding to go to,and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought,I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use.I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.Voila,one cheap wedding present." She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.The silversmith examined the tray carefully,shook his head and said,"Lady, this can only be done so many times!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 04:46 PM                        Rated G Michele My friend had a wedding to go to,and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought,I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use.I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.Voila,one cheap wedding present." She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.The silversmith examined the tray carefully,shook his head and said,"Lady, this can only be done so many times!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 04:48 PM                        Rated G Michele The Russians are proposing to construct a tunnel under the 25 mile-wide Bering Strait that separates Russia from Alaska.This is of course insanity,as it will only benefit one country, Russia,in the following ways: ~ U.S. & Western monetary aid will be trucked in semis directly into Moscow, instead of the more costly, indirect flights. ~ It will only cost $100 billion to build the tunnel -$600 billion less than the West has already poured into corrupt Kremlin official's bank accounts. ~ The Russian Mafia will finally have a steady supply of cement with which to dispose of their victim's bodies. ~ Russian hookers will be able to hitch-hike to New York. ~ Lada automobiles will be driven to the U.S.A., where their engines will be removed and sold as sewing machines. The only benefit to the North American economy? ~ Boris Yeltsin will finally be able to go drinking in U.S. bars.  |  IP: Logged

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