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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G Michele "Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the older brother. "Oh hell!" replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'." [ 05-14-2003, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2003 02:43 PM                        Rated G Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods... On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...) On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear? A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 07:49 AM                        Rated G I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket today..WOMAN GETS PREGNANT WHILE DOING "LAMBADA" I guess that goes to show that the rhythm method just doesn't work!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G Dating Tips For guys: To arrive with something in hand is a sign of very good breeding - flowers, card, bottle of wine or champagne, candle and a VISA card.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated G Michele Facts about Americans. Did you know that... Remember when you are reading this,90% of people say that they sometimes lie. AROUND THE HOUSE * 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. * Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. * 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. * 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. * 67.5% of men were tighty whities (briefs). * The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. * 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation? HABITS * 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. * 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. * 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. * 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. * 17% have been caught by the host. * 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. * 29% of us ignore RSVPs. * 35% give to charity at least once a month. * 71.6% of us eavesdrop. FOOD * 69% eat the cake before the frosting. * When nobody else is around,47% drink straight from the carton. * Snickers is the most popular candy. * 22% of us skip lunch daily. * 9% of us skip breakfast daily. * 66% of us eat cereal regularly. * 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. * 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. HYGIENE * 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. * Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. * Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. * 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. * 58% of women paint their nails regularly. * 33% of women lie about their weight. * 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. * The average girl starts her period at age 12. * 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. * 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. * 23.5% admit they don't always flush. * 45.2% pee in the shower. * 44.9% pee in the ocean. * 28.1% pee in the pool. * 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. DRIVING * 4 out of 5 sing in the car. (And probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either) * 12% of men never use their car blinkers. * 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it) * 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. * 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. * 71% can drive a stick-shift car. * 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. (Hint: When this happens, accelerate while simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behing you) WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING * 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework. * 91% of us lie regularly. * 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. RELIGION * 90% believe in divine retribution. * 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That's one Commandment per person on average) * 82% believe in an afterlife. * 45% believe in ghosts. * 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. * 49% believe in ESP. DAILY LIVING * 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. * 53% read their horoscopes regularly. * 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). * 59% of us say we're average-looking. * Less than 10% are trilingual. * 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. * 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. * 44% reuse tinfoil. * 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. * 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. * 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers. * 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. * 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. * On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. * 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. LOVE & SEX * 2 out of 5 have married their first love. * Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. * 29% of us are virgins when we marry. * The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes. * Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4" . * 56% of men have had sex at work. * 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand. * Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. * 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. * 6% propose over the phone. ...... ......  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 09:13 PM                        Rated G Missile Defense Linked to Jobs, Wealth, Happiness WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - An AheadOfNews.com reporter visited the Pentagon this week to interview David Puffer, Undersecretary of Defense for Missile Defense. Here is the text of their exchange: Q. I've heard that the U.S. is planning an update of the Strategic Defense Initiative, or Star Wars. Is this true? A. Yes. It's called Star Wows. Q. How does it work? A. When spy satellites see a rain of incoming missiles, they trigger an umbrella launch. A huge bumbershoot instantly covers any friendly at-risk country at an altitude of about 500 feet. Q. What kind of umbrella? A. A cloth umbrella stretched over a folding radial frame. Q. Won't the incoming missiles rip through the umbrella and devastate Paducah or London? A. No. The umbrella will be made of extra-thick laser cloth. Q. What if a bad person launches 500,000 missiles all at once? A. They will bounce off like rain and fall, glub, in the ocean. Q. Won't submarines shoot under the umbrella and vaporize Keokuk or Sydney? A. No. The tips of the umbrella frame will release nuclear nippers to cut the submarine missiles in half and cause them to fall, glub glub, in the ocean. Q. Will Star Wows cost a lot? A. Only a cruel miser would put a price tag on freedom. Besides, Star Wows will create 10 million new jobs in the U.S. as well as several in Poland and three in Australia. Incomes will continue to rise in those countries, and taxes will disappear entirely. Everyone in good countries will become incredibly rich, safe, and happy. Q. Does anyone oppose Star Wows? A. Absolutely not.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 09:19 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee I diet religiously. I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 05:49 AM                        Rated PG Alex A burglar in Streatham in London fell for the blonde lady of the house who disturbed him while he was carrying out his nefarious activities. As soon as he saw the lady he changed his tack completely and tried to woo her. After about 30 minutes things were going so well that the burglar tried to kiss the owner of the house. To his horror, she not only refused, but overpowered him with a punch, a left-hand jab, a half nelson and finally hit him over the head with her shoe. It later transpired that the "lady" was a bricklayer prior to having a sex change.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 06:11 AM                        Rated G Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 06:16 AM                        Rated G Michele The Seven Ages of Man Are: ...........spills .............drills ................thrills ....................bills .......................ills .........................pills ...........................& wills.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 11:10 AM                        Rated G Kemosabe Waters the Bushes One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do." So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?" The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim." Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?" Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 11:16 AM                        Rated PG Coke Ain't No Joke W a t e r 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.) 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? C o k e 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China. 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. Check it out. For Your Info : 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 11:27 AM                        Rated G "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." --Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 06:09 PM                        Rated G Reporter Urges Uplift, Gets Boot SWAMP RIVER, SC (AheadOfNews.com) - A reporter for the Swamp River Bugle lost his job today after convincing his boss to reject the negative. Marvin Smiley told publisher Bill Caldwell that the Bugle was a "negative paper filled with bad stuff about wrecks, rapes, and budget cuts," according to a mole at the Bugle. Smiley maintained that the paper should never print stories about layoffs, the national debt, fighting, embezzling, shoplifting, or speeding and that negative words such as recession, hunger, SARS, bear market, and terrorist should be banished. He presented Caldwell with a proposed list of "uplifting" front-page stories, as follows: Monday: Ribbon cutters cut ribbon at renovated Swamp River Bridge. Tuesday: Kindergarten children present Progress Plaque to city booster club. Wednesday: Horace "Nine-Toe" James accepts annual lawnmower safety award. Thursday: Mayor gives two-hour speech about importance of the future. Friday: Kindergarten children, mayor, and boosters hold picnic and bubble-blowing extravaganza at renovated Swamp River Bridge. Saturday: Auxiliary boosters sew gold buttons on honorary booster jackets. Sunday: Everyone attends church. Smiley also suggested that Caldwell get rid of trouble-makers on the Bugle staff. The publisher agreed and fired Smiley.  |  IP: Logged

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