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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 06:05 AM                        Rated G Retta G in Yonkers HOW TO STAY YOUNG (George Carlin) 1. Throw out nonessential numbers.This includes age,weight and height.Let the doctor worry about them.That is why you pay him/her. 2. Keep only cheerful friends.The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning.Learn more about the computer,crafts, gardening,whatever.Never let the brain idle."An idle mind is the devil's workshop."And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often,long and loud.Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen.Endure,grieve,and move on.The only person who is with us our entire life,is ourselves.Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love,whether it's family, pets,keepsakes,music,plants,hobbies,whatever.Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health:If it is good,preserve it.If it is unstable,improve it.If it is beyond what you can improve,get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips.Take a trip to the mall,to the next county,to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them,at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 06:24 AM                        Rated X ........Questions and Answers Q: What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers? A: A wedding. Q: What did the sign on the whorehouse door say? A: Beat it - were closed Q: What you get when you cross Rogaine and Viagra? A: Don King's hair. Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: Just send down fore-skin divers. Q: How do you identify a bald eagle? A: All his feathers are combed over to one side. Q: What you call a musician without a girlfriend? A: Homeless Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: What does it mean when two lesbians make love? A: It doesn't mean dick Q: Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls? A: They're going to call her Old Spice.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 06:29 AM                        Rated X .....Bad Pick Up Lines • Hi, are you legal? • Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here. • I can make you feel like I've never had sex before. • Hey there! I bet you’d be better than beating off. • I'm not trying anything. I always put my hands there. • What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this? • You smell. So, let's take a shower together. • You'll be good enough for now. • You're not attractive, but I bet you're great in bed. • "Excuse me, could I interest you in breaking up my marriage ?" • I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. • I'm gonna have sex with you tonight,so you might as well be there  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 06:53 AM                        Rated PG A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 2003 Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 11:50 AM                        Rated G Trouble At The AAA Conference ORLANDO, FL (AheadOfNews.com) - When Faith Duffner of the American Accordion Association (AAA) arranged conference facilities at the Orlando World Center Marriot facilities, she had no idea that Rob O'Fleary of the American Arm wrestling Association (AAA) had already made arrangements for the same location at the same time. When thousands of members from each association showed up for the keynote address at their annual convention, they discovered a sign directing members of the AAA to the Crystal Ballroom, and another sign directing members of the AAA to the Grand Ballroom. "That was my first time to the arm wrestling convention," says Jim "Bubba" Duford, "so I just thought it was some sorta East coast fancy boy stuff - you know, the suspenders and the little vests and the funny hats. I didn't know what the heck to make of all the accordions, though - I thought maybe it was just some kind of a joke." Delwood Finch, a longtime accordion player from Duluth, was equally puzzled. "A whole bunch of big fellas with tattoos and Harley Davidson T-shirts seemed kind of out of place at an Accordion Association event, but I figured maybe Faith had been recruiting new players from somewhere." The conference took a surprising turn when the arm wrestling contests began. Merle Gribbon, a cheerful, balding accordion player with thick glasses and an endless series of dumb jokes, easily trounced Arlo Grimes, last year's arm wrestling champion. "There's nothing like a few hours of pushin' air through old Betsy," said Gribbon, "to build the arm muscles. When I asked Mr. Grimes what kind of accordion he played, he just stared at me like I was nuts." Although accordion players won every arm wrestling event this year, the arm wrestlers say it's been worth it. Many have already made plans to get their own accordions, and are looking forward to a rematch at next years combined convention. Accordion players are also pleased with the outcome. "We think once accordion players start showing up in a lot of biker bars, it may begin to change how people feel about accordions," says Faith Duffner. Grinning impishly, she adds "Since it's unlikely we'll ever get respect, fear is the next best thing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 12:16 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues THOUGHTS ABOUT LIFE . . . Why are things typed up but written down? We had Cured Ham for Christmas dinner.We all wondered what illness it was cured of. Why do people say they "worked like a dog"? Our dog just sat around all day. How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that wheels on luggage would be a good idea? I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise ... so now I watch tennis. Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV? How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend? Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs? I'm going to try the Atkins diet in 2003, because my end no longer justifies the jeans. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 12:32 PM                        Rated G And now... the "Birth Announcement" ** There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby." The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over." So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 12:34 PM                        Rated G Pennsylvanians Oppose Ban on French Fries HARRISBURG, PA (AheadOfNews.com) - Thousands of Pennsylvanians rallied here today against a proposed statewide ban on French fries. The ban, proposed by state Rep. Ethan Cudgel, would block the sale of anything French, including wine, clothes, novels, music, movies, and the common potato dish known as the French fry. The law is intended to punish the French for their reluctance to invade Iraq, according to Cudgel and a group of associates known as The French-Bashers. "We must eliminate all things French," Cudgel proclaimed. "No more bikinis, no more crochet, no more perfume." In a state where few people read Proust, listen to Debussy, or care about Matisse, Cudgel's proposal at first met with approval. Last week, a large crowd gathered in Williamsport, Pa., to thumb their noses and jeer in the direction of France. However, opinions changed when Cudgel made clear that the ban would include French fries. "We must not allow legions of honest, hardworking Pennsylvanians to eat potatoes sullied by association with France," he said. Opposition to the ban mounted quickly, culminating in today's protest. "We don't care about the rest of it," said Rudy G. Bittler, spokesman for Save the Fry, a potato focus group based in Scranton, Pa. "You can eliminate French classes in the public schools. You can encourage people to stop using French words like 'entrepreneur.' You can take away the champagne, the existential philosophy, The Three Musketeers, and the lace underwear, and we will get by. But without the French fry, life in the Keystone State will not be worth living."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 12:51 PM                        [b]Rated G Lorraine An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver: "Listen", he says,"when you went through the red light,I didn't say anything. But, why, in G-d's name, are you stopping at a green light?" The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 12:52 PM                        Rated PG Whales produce 360 lbs of sperm in their lifetime, however, only 10% of that goes into their mates... Ever wonder why the ocean is salty?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 01:02 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men" -- Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 01:07 PM                        Rated G You Know You're From Philadelphia When You ... 1. Realize your favorite dessert is water ice. 2. Find yourself using "Yo" and "Youse guys" when talking long distance to family members. 3. You know how to spell Schuylkill. 4. Think $2,500 for insurance on a '79 Toyota is a bargain. 5. Find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "This would only be three bucks at a truck." 6. Can sleep soundly through gun shots in the neighborhood. 7. Visit New York and notice how clean it is. 8. Believe that the car on your side, flashing its turn signal, wants you to close the gap with the car in front. 9. Can't eat fries without Cheeze Whiz. 10. Find street people greet you by first name.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 09:10 AM                        Rated G Restaurants Switch to 'All-American' Menus SWAMPVIEW, NC - (AheadOfNews.com) - No one claims to be more patriotic than Elmer Flatrock except J.D. Scruggs. The two restaurant owners compete with each other for "homeland fervor intensity" as well as cash. Each displays a U.S. flag visible from Fayetteville, 40 miles away. When the French expressed doubt recently about attacking Iraq, Flatrock took French toast off his menu and replaced it with "Freedom Toast." Scruggs followed suit but went a step further, replacing Polish pickles with "Patriot Pickles." Flatrock, agreeing with Scruggs that "any country belonging to the U.N. can't be trusted," soon replaced Hungarian goulash on his menu with "Homeland Goulash." The "patriotism war" escalated, and both restaurant owners adopted substantially identical "all-American" menus. Items include the following: Eagle Muffin Bravery Waffle Flag Sandwich Mashed Piety Potatoes Liberty Cabbage Fundamental Flank Steak Independence Stew Silent Prayer Soup Stars and Stripes Sausage Under God Omelet Sacrifice Pie "I've got nothing against foreigners," Scruggs explained, "except that they're foreign. Some even used to be Commies. I won't serve any dish named after a Commie."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 09:19 AM                        Rated G Anonymous Author Can anyone say "George Lucas A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it. So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 11:08 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues BUMPER STICKERS with "SOUR"casm "War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left." "Originality is the art of concealing your sources." "The trouble with political jokes is they get elected." "Half the people you know are below average." "Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers." "On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key." "Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...." "Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."  |  IP: Logged

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