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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-28-2003 04:38 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Playboy Blames Bank for Big Loss of Semen
MIAMI, FL (AheadOfNews.com) - A "virtual playboy" from Miami is hoping for hard times because his reserves are drained.
Wally Trumpet decided years ago that having "actual" sex with other people was too risky. Instead, he joined Whisper, an on-line club whose members engage in virtual sex.
The club offers a variety of services ranging from a naughty joke exchange to the Mutual Crescendo, a simultaneous orgasm achieved at noon Greenwich Mean Time by thousands of club members worldwide. For those seeking stable long-term relationships, the club offers virtual marriage. It also offers 'real-time childbirth" via services provided by the Miami International Sperm Bank.
However, even virtual sex carries risk. Trumpet, a frequent sperm bank depositor, became aware of one of these risks recently when he began receiving unhappy letters from other club members.
"Dear Wally," one letter said, "Your check no. 119, drawn on the Miami International Sperm Bank, dated Feb. 9, 2003, in the amount of 1 oz., payable to Holly Trifle, has been returned to me marked 'insufficient semen.' To keep your relationship with me in good standing, it is important that you make sufficient deposit within 3 days. Otherwise I will submit this matter to the Whisper Board of Directors to seek your removal from the club."
Trumpet claims that the bank promised him "an exciting world of reproductive technology" but lost his sperm.
"The loss is devastating," he said. "You have no idea how much effort it takes to produce a gallon of semen." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-28-2003 06:06 PM
Rated G Baby Blues
HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED
In 1900, If a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a
success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage.
And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe,and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900,fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today,kids
wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an
icicle.
In 1900,fathers could count on children to join the family
business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from
college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900,a father came home from work to find his wife and
children at the supper table.Today,a father comes home to a
note: "Jimmy's at baseball,Cindy's at gymnastics,I'm at gym,
Pizza in fridge."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-28-2003 06:15 PM
Rated PG Baby Blues
HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a
success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage.
And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe,and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids
wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an
icicle.
In 1900,fathers could count on children to join the family
business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from
college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and
children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a
note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym,
Pizza in fridge."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-01-2003 01:28 PM
Rated G
Poker Face Inferior to Winning Hand
RENO, NV (AheadOfNews.com) - His secret plan for winning at poker turned out none too well. Morton Bluestone has often visited Reno for one-week poker vacations. Before traveling to Nevada for a tournament this year, the native of Round Corner, Minn., devised a secret strategy to improve his "poker face." After reading a newspaper account about Hollywood actresses who could no longer get work because Botox injections had immobilized their faces, Bluestone decided to try Botox himself.
"I was the kind of guy who couldn't help smiling when I was dealt four aces or a straight," Bluestone said. "I figured Botox would give me a face of stone."
Responding to advertisements in the Subterranean Gazette, Bluestone visited an illegal clinic in Minneapolis to receive overdoses of Botox. After 30 days, he was no longer able to smile or frown.
"My wife was not too happy," Bluestone said, "but I told her it would make us rich."
Unfortunately for Bluestone, his plan fell apart when hundreds of other poker players had the same idea.
"They call it the Botox face," Bluestone said. "It's like a rubber mask. When everybody has one, it's no advantage."
Crushed in the tournament, Bluestone tried using his Botox face to trick the video poker machines.
"They weren't fooled," he said, "and I lost everything."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-01-2003 08:14 PM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
In Corvallis, Oregon, the two men entering the large, two-story
brick building from the roof one night were prepared.
While in prison, one of the men became friends with an inmate who used to work in this particular building. Both now knew the floor plan, when security made its rounds, and, most importantly,that there was a large safe inside. A payroll safe --and tomorrow was payday!
After climbing down a rope ladder to the secondfloor, they proceeded to the first floor and found the safe. It was huge. Break-in proof. But they had an equalizer. Why spend four hours hammering and drilling trying to knock off the tumbler when a few sticks of dynamite would do the job in seconds? Why,
indeed. Thirty seconds after lighting the fuses, they had their
answer. In a tremendous explosion that practically leveled
the building, the two were buried in a salvo of brick, wood, dirt and debris. And that's where the police found them.
After a stint in the hospital, both men were tried, convicted and sentenced to prison. What our two "dumbolition" experts didn't know was that the company that used to occupy the building had relocated. The old safe was too costly to move, so they sold it to the incoming construction company, which found it perfect for storage of their dynamite!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-10-2003 06:05 AM
Rated G
Committee Embraces Major Expansion of Right-to-Life
WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - The American Right to Life Committee, in a major revision of its mission, today announced its intent to protect all human life, not merely the unborn of the United States.
"Though the unborn are essentially infinite, many people in the U.S. and elsewhere do not seem to be unborn," said Darling Quimby, an ARLC spokeswoman. "We think they may also have a right to life."
In embracing the born, the ARLC has altered its former stance about war. It has often claimed to be "war neutral," Quimby said, but has come to recognize that bombing people may interfere with their right to life.
"It came as a revelation," she said, "to realize that a child who lives in Baghdad or Tehran or Pyongyang might have a right to life equal to one of the American unborn."
Groups often opposed to or suspicious of the ARLC expressed amazement at the change.
"I thought the anti-abortionists were only interested in repression and domination," said Sandy Raleigh, spokeswoman for the Personal Choice League. "I had no idea they cared about babies."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-10-2003 11:50 AM
Rated G
Budget Hotels Offer Exotic Holiday Packages
TAMPA, FL (AheadOfNews.com) - Discomfort Inns and Motel 3, hotel chains based in Tampa, today announced several cut-rate holiday packages for international travelers.
The Discomfort Inn in Spinboldak, Afghanistan, has a rate of $7.25 single/double occupancy in a package including a hiking tour to Tora Bora as well as shuttle service to the airport in Kandahar. Guests are advised to avoid the Taliban.
In Mogadishu, Somalia, Motel 3 offers single-occupancy rooms with minimal fleas for $4.75 through mid-April. Guests are advised not to leave the hotel without an armed guard. It would be best not to look too American.
The Pyongyang, North Korea, Motel 3 is offering a package that includes a four-day ski pass. Lift lines are extremely short. The rate is $2.21 a night, three-night minimum, single or double floor mat. Guests are advised to appear humble and to resist arguing with soldiers.
Hotel Discomfort in Medellin, Columbia, has a rate of $10.45 single/double, mosquito-free, cocaine sampler included. Spanish lessons on site, garden tour optional. Guests should avoid eye contact with men with guns.
Discomfort Lodge in Baghdad, Iraq, is offering free rooms to Americans. The package includes free meals and a Magical History Tour of ancient Babylonia. Guests are asked to let as many people as possible know they will be staying in the center of Baghdad in a flimsy structure that might collapse if disturbed.
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