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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 06:56 AM                        Rated G Dennis in Yonkers At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of theword "service". The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, (Sorry, John) Civil Service, Telephone Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City/County Public Service. And I became confused about the word "service. This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G Diplomatic Corps Takes Crash Course in Rude Behavior WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Diplomats chosen to represent the United States in other countries must now study bad manners before going abroad. An order issued this week by the State Department, which oversees the Foreign Service, requires prospective diplomats to attend six weeks of Rudeness School at a department campus in Alexandria, Va. Courses include instruction on the following: Insulting Sneering Bullying Patronizing Condescending Finger-Wagging Ignoring Denouncing Offering Bribes Scolding Threatening Swaggering, with or without a swagger stick "Our goal is to insure that everyone officially representing the U.S. will inflict the maximum damage to our reputation," said Oliver Screech, an instructor at the school. "We want to make sure that nobody likes us." Asked by a reporter from Poughkeepsie, N.Y., why Washington would want to offend absolutely everyone, Screech said, "No more dumb questions, you unpatriotic airhead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 08:56 AM                        Rated G Alex In A Perfect World A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant. Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory. Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most. Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars. People always have good reasons to be optimistic. You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself. The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected. Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized. If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it. First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all. All people could expect to be accepted. Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door." Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper. The better food tasted, the less calories it would have. Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12. More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 01:10 PM                        Rated G Alex More Bloopers: As soon as the weather clears up, members of the adult men's class will have a goof outing at the Rapides Country Club. November 11 -- An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Wednesday afternoon, when Ruby Chesterfield stopped by to deliver supplies for the church kitchen, she encountered a young man in the process of robbing the food cabinets. After an extended chase all over the church, she finally caught him by the organ. Ruby, the coach of our high school track team, told police officers, "I was determined that Andy Simmons was not going to have the personal satisfaction of outrunning me." Although law enforcement officers and the pastor have chosen not to reveal the identity of the offender, it is known that he and his family are members of our church. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,and gracious hostility. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. Maybe that explains why things get so hot on warm, sunny days. We are always happy to have you sue our facility. Vacation Bible School Starts Next Week! Local artists will be featured Wednesday. Mothers: If you have promising drawers in your house, be sure to bring them. The agenda was adopted and minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report. Thursday night -- Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Following the work session, food and soft drinks will be provided for all. Barbecue (grilled) chicken and hamburgers will be features. A limited number of hot gods will also be available for the kids. Closing Hymn, Page 132: "I Love Thee My Ford." This being Easter Sunday,we will ask Mazie Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Next Friday, our normal Church workday, we will be serving hot gods for lunch. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. The Young Adult class would like to grant special recognition to Hank Elliot. Hank donated the use of a retired race horse to our church. Some members have reservations about accepting an animal once used for purposes of gambling. We would like to remind everone of the old adage:Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Please come early and listen to our choir practice. Don't let worry kill you off. Let our pastor, and the Church, help. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." Next Saturday is the family hayride and bonfire. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! We leave from the church parking lot. Everyone come for a fun time. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Two sisters were reunited after eighteen years at a checkout counter in Alexandria. One is a member of our Church. Helen Turner has a seriously sprained ankle. Let us hold up her leg in prayer. The $50 cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes all meals. Helpers are desperately needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. The wellness report is again short this week. Margie Smith says she is feeling great after exploratory surgery and Pastor Butts is much better. Jamie Janssen, blind since birth, received the donation of a kidney from a cousin who she hasn't seen in years. Please be aware the bowl at the back of the Church, the one labeled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Ushers will eet latecomers. You are reminded that Fifth Sinday is Lent. Brother Lamar, our oldest deacon, has gone on to be the Lord. The activity will take place on the church barking lot. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 05:46 PM                        Rated G Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto,arrived in Israel.In an airport taxi cab (as he ate his butter tarts), Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 02:01 PM                        Rated G Imperium Unveils Plan for Mount Bushmore KEYSTONE, SD (AheadOfNews.com) - Encouraged by recent slights to "Old Europe," a secret society known as The Imperium has proposed similar slights to "Old America," starting with Mount Rushmore. Between 1927 and 1941, hundreds of workers carved 60-foot busts of Presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln into the face of a granite outcropping in the Black Hills of South Dakota to commemorate the first 150 years of American history. The Imperium wants to replace one of these with a carving of President George W. Bush. "America needs to distance itself from the ways of the past and look to its glorious present as the world's only superpower," said a news release from the organization. Funding would come from a "stonework upgrade user fee" paid by visitors to the site. The Imperium suggests re-naming the memorial Mount Bushmore  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 02:45 PM                        Rated G Malapropisms (For those who might not know, a malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.) Here are a few: - He's a wolf in cheap clothing. - It was a case of love at Versailles. - He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs. - In Algiers,they spend most of their time at the cash bar. - My sister has extra-century perception. - A fool and his money are some party. - All's fear in love and war. - Nip it in the butt. - Some viruses can lie doormat for years. - To each his zone. - Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel. - No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal. - It's a long road to hold. - All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:05 PM                        Rated G Some Tom Swifties: "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said Dolefully "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said offhandedly "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself "That's the third electric shock I've got this week!" Tom said, revolted "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related "I won't let a flat tire get me down" Tom Said without despair "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said straightforwardly "I've been on a diet" Tom expounded "I'll have to send that telegram again" Tom said remorsefully "I keep banging my head on things" Tom said bashfully "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall" Tom observed with condescension "I remember the Midwest being flatter than this" Tom explained "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade" Tom remarked "I've lived through a lot of windstorms" Tom regaled "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said without debate "That mink coat is on wrong side out" Tom inferred "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle" Tom sighed remotely  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:15 PM                        Rated G Poverty - It was one of those proper mid-western colleges. All they gave their basketball players was room and board, plus $2,700.00 a week towards their books.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:27 PM                        Rated G With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items among meat-shunning Europeans? ~ Misteak ~ Soystrami ~ Mockwurst ~ Nauseages ~ Prosciuttofu ~ Approximeat ~ Roast, Almost ~ Kielbeancurdasa ~ Soysters Rockefeller ~ Nofu: The Tofu Substitute ~ Fake-un Double Cheesebulghur ~ I Can't Believe It's Not A Dead Animal!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:34 PM                        Rated G ........Stybba Space Jump: An Australian man, Rod Millner, announced that next march he plans to skydive form 25 miles above the earth, reaching speeds over 1,000 miles an hour and breaking the sound barrier. Future News:Rob Millner is DEAD  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 08:27 AM                       What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has greater dynamic range.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 08:27 AM                       What's the least-used sentence in the English language? "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 08:28 AM                       What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 08:28 AM                       There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.  |  IP: Logged

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