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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:43 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee NO THANK YOU I was at a cookout at my sisters' house one time. The guys had a cooler of beer out by the grill while my sister and I had a bottle of wine in the refrigerator. I was talking to a couple of friends when sis walks over and announces, "I'm going inside to pee and fill up my glass,do you want some?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:45 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee I always do my exercises regularly in the morning. Immediately after waking, I sternly say to myself, Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down. Then, after two strenuous minutes,I tell myself,Okay, now try the other eyelid.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:55 PM                        Rated G Linda Do you know these books? How to make solid meals by C. Ment. No food by M.T. Cupboard. Neck exercises by G. Raff.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 06:05 PM                        Rated G THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Meddle not in the affairs of dragons,for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 06:10 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition,they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 09:13 PM                        Rated G The distraught father hurried down the beach to the spot where his lovely daughter lay. A bronzed lifeguard stood over her. "I've just resuscitated her, sir," he said. "Then, by God," exclaimed the father, "you'll marry the girl!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 07:52 AM                        Rated G North Korea Accuses USA Of Planning Pie Attack Pyongyang, North Korea (AheadOfNews.com) - A few days after claiming that the United States was planning a nuclear attack on North Korea, North Korea's state KCNA news agency reported that the U.S. was also planning a series of devastating cream pie attacks on strategic military and political personnel. US Secretary of State Colin Powell called the claim "ridiculous", adding that the recent shipment of 40,000 cream pies to US Army bases near Seoul was just "for a party the guys are having". "These moves indicate that the U.S. Army is following the lead of the U.S. Air Force in implementing the U.S. imperialists' strategy to mount a preemptive attack on (North Korea)," said Pyongyang's official Rodong Sinmun newspaper. The Pentagon is stationing 12 B-1 and 12 B-52 bombers in Guam, about 2,000 miles from North Korea in case of conflict in the region. General Henry Aimes, the base commander, has refused to discuss the rumor that the aircraft are equipped with the new PLM/270 rapid reload pie launchers, which according to defense insiders are each capable of launching over 1000 pies per minute with pinpoint accuracy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 08:15 AM                        Rated G Michele Warning Signs of Insanity You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations. Nobody listens to you anymore,because they can't understand you through that scuba mask." You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going toone day seek revenge. You collect dead windowsill flies. Every time the phone rings,you shout,"Hey! An angel just got its wings!" You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears." You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it. People offer you help,but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 08:28 AM                        Rated PG Michele Signs You're Married To A Cop. ----------------------------- When an argument starts.....he calls for backup. Refers to the bedroom as "The Pokey." Calls passing gas the "silent alarm." Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie. Lots of references to the "old night stick." Never hear him say "Oh man.....not donuts again!" Refers to his winkie as the "Breathalyzer" Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 10:50 AM                        Rated G ...I wish I hadn't said that on TV! This is a collection of phrases commentator's have said on TV and deeply regretted afterwards   "For the benefit of those of you watching in black and white, spurs are wearing the yellow shirts" -John Motson   "There's a fly ball to deep centre field. Winfield is going back, back. He hits his head on the wall. It's rolling back towards second base" Baseball commentator  "This could be a repeat of what will happen next week at the European championships" -David Coleman   "A mediocre season for nelson piquet as he is now known and always has been" -Murray Walker   "If you didn't know him, you wouldn't know who he was" -Nigel Starmer-Smith   "Greg Lemond has literally come back from the dead to lead the tour de France" Cycling commentator   "When the stalls open the horses are literally going to explode" -Racing commentator   "With half the race gone, there's still half the race to go" -Murray Walker   "Ian rush unleashed his left and it hit the back of the net" -Mike England   "After a goalless first half the score is 0-0" -Brian Moore   "He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so sure" -Peter Allis   "The Australians are wearing dark black socks" -Barry Davies   "The Argentineans are numbered alphabetically" -John Motson   "The pendulum is swinging back and forth like a metronome" -Sid Waddell   "He won the bronze in the 1976 Olympics so he's used to being out in front" -David Coleman   "With the very last kick of the game, Macdonald has scored with a header" -Alan Perry   "He would have potted that ball ninety-nine times out of a thousand" -Ted Lowe ..... ......  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 11:01 AM                        Rated G NAME JOKES What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack What do you call a man with a toilet on his head? Lou What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head? Lulu What do you call a woman in the distance? Dot What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? Russell What do you call a man with a map on his head? Miles What do you call a man with a numberplate on his head? Reg What do you call a man with a mat on his head? Neil What do you call a woman with a tennis racket on her head? Annette What do you call a man with a double-decker bus on his head? Dead ... .......  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 02:08 PM                        Rated G Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil? A: religious movement!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 02:36 PM                        Rated G What happens when people of different occupations get old. - Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. - Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate. - Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey. - Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 02:39 PM                        Rated G Bumper stickers Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody. My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her. Ask me about my vow of silence. Today's subliminal message is: ( )  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2003 12:47 PM                        Rated G Herd of Sheep Replaces White House Press Corps WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Bowing to the wishes of the Bush Administration, the humans on the White House press corps gave way today to a flock of sheep. To control the flow of information to the public, The White House long ago ordered human reporters to submit questions ahead of time for rare presidential news conferences. Generally, the president would answer a few easy questions with pre-scripted materials. However, he found the process "terribly annoying," according to White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "The president is too busy running the country to be bothered with questions," he said. When human reporters arrived today for a press conference in the East Room, guards told them they had been replaced by Hampshire, Suffolk, and Dorset sheep. Not as intelligent as goats, sheep have been bred to herd and not act independently. They are generally timid and defenseless. "Sheep are gentle animals and do not bite," Fleischer said. "Except for occasional small bleats, they sit quietly with their heads bowed in the presence of authority. The president desires this of all of his subjects, not just the reporters."  |  IP: Logged

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