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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-04-2003 11:44 AM                        Rated G Harvard To Have Irritating Class CAMBRIDGE, MA(AheadOfNews.com) - Beginning this fall, Harvard University will offer freshmen a class called "How To Be Irritating". According to Professor Charles Longbottom, the class is a response to changing times, and an attempt to hold on to a cherished Harvard tradition. "Harvard students are from the upper crust of society," says Longbottom, "and as such, a certain amount of hautiness, subtle sarcasm, and world-weary holier-than-thou-ness has come to be expected." Harvard used to rely on their student's families and social circles to instill the proper attitude towards social inferiors. "But we've found that we can't necessarily rely on that, anymore," says Longbottom. "Rich kids are watching too much ordinary TV and movies, and that's having an equalizing effect." The new class will teach incoming freshmen how to use tone of voice to turn a simple "thank you" into an "it's about time", and how to use smirks, yawns, and lack of eye contact to convey the impression of smug superiority that's expected of Harvard alumni. When asked what possible value Harvard graduates would find in being irritating, Longbottom would only say "you wouldn't understand."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2003 06:58 AM                        Rated G Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you? Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2003 07:12 AM                        Rated G Exercise Program Physical exercise is good for you.I know that I should do it daily but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.You are invited to use my program without charge. 1) Beating around the bush 2) Jumping to conclusions 3) Climbing the walls 4) Swallowing my pride 5) Passing the buck 6) Throwing my weight around 7) Dragging my heels 8) Pushing my luck 9) Making mountains out of molehills 10) Hitting the nail on the head 11) Wading through paperwork 12) Bending over backwards 13) Jumping on the bandwagon 14) Balancing the books 15) Running around in circles 16) Eating crow 17) Tooting my own horn 18) Climbing the ladder of success 19) Pulling out the stops 20) Adding fuel to the fire 21) Opening a can of worms 22) Putting my foot in my mouth 23) Starting the ball rolling 24) Going over the edge 25) Picking up the pieces Happy Exercising!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 03:28 PM                        Rated G Vulcan Society Raises Eyebrows SEATTLE, WA (AheadOfNews.com) - The Vulcan Society of Seattle, already familiar to area residents from their "Got Logic?" billboards and posters, has started holding free seminars to teach people how to raise one eyebrow. Society president Claire Hopstock explains the logic behind raising one eyebrow. "It's for fun!" Hopstock, a tall brunette in her mid forties, says that many people think that logical thinking implies a joyless existence, whereas in the Vulcan Society's view, the exact opposite is the case. "Our goal is to learn to think more clearly, and to use rational thinking to achieve optimal health and happiness. Emotions are a fundamental part of us - we aren't trying to remove emotion from our lives, but just from our decision making." Hopstock says the Vulcan Society's main goal is to get people to be more creative in dealing with their emotions. "If the question in your mind is should I have another piece of cheesecake," she says, "logic says no in a small voice, but emotion shouts YES! We simply change the question to should I eat another giant blob of deadly animal fat, or would I rather go for a refreshing walk?" Most people report having a good time at the Eyebrow Raising Seminars, although there were a few problems when members of the rival Klingon Society disrupted the meetings, shouting rude words like "pahtk" and "yIntagh" and tipping over the refreshment tables.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 03:49 PM                        Rated G In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols. On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution. "Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 08:07 AM                        Rated G Stone Tablets Provide Glimpse of Ancient Persia TEHRAN, IRAN (AheadOfNews.com) - Scientists with the Persian Geological Institute announced discovery today of a cache of more than 2,000 stone tablets constituting the private diary of a personal secretary to Cyrus the Great. The tablets, found in an undisclosed location that was part of the ancient Persian Empire, measure about 12 to 15 inches on a side. Taken together, they present a picture of the private life of Harpagus the Scribbler and include details about life in Persia about 2,500 years ago. The scientists consider a group of about 50 tablets to be especially interesting because they reveal new information about Cyrus, the empire's founder. In particular, Harpagus complains in his private notes about "cut-and-paste" revisions of public relations announcements Cyrus ordered him to produce. One said, I am Cyrus, king of the world, king of Babylon, king of Shumer and Akkad, king of the four regions." "No sooner would I finish cutting the stone," Harpagus wrote "when his Eminence would change his mind and want it to say,I am Cyrus, boss of Babylon,cat's meow of Shumer and Akkad, top dog of the four regions, head honcho of the entire world." Mainly, however, the 2,000 tablets dealt with daily life. "Do laundry," says one tablet. "Goat missing," says another. "Feeling horny today," says yet another.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 06:52 PM                        Rated PG If our ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come over?? On the Captain's dingy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 07:15 PM                        Rated G An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when the old man pulled over and told the teenager to drive. The teenager pulled out into traffic, smoking the tires. After the teen came to a stop, he looked at the old man and asked, "Do you smell that shit?" The old man replied, "I ought to; I'm sitting in it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 12:59 PM                        Rated G Wile E. Coyote To Change Name SANTA FE, NM (AheadOfNews.com) - Native American Wile E. Coyote doesn't blame his parents, but he says he's just "had it with all the jokes". The twenty-two year old Coyote says that his parents were not trying to be funny, when they named him after the famous Warner's Brothers cartoon character. "It's a metaphor for the role of American Indians in Americian society," he says. "In our hearts we still long to pursue a natural existence, in harmony with the Earth," says Coyote, "but we find ourselves buying into the false promises of technology, and spending increasingly large amounts of our time and money on gadgets that ultimately fail to help us, or which even interfere. These days we've given up the deep communication found in the sweat lodge for the shallow and trivial communication of the cell phone." Coyote says he appreciates the lesson he learned from his parent's choice of his name. He also believes that by explaining the metaphor behind his name, he's helped others gain a better appreciation for the inner conflict many American Indians experience in today's society. "I'm just sick and tired of people saying 'meep! meep!'," he explains.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 02:41 PM                        Rated G Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask myself,"Where did I go wrong?" Then a voice says,"This is going to take more than one night." -- Charles M. Schultz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:09 PM                        Rated G Becky Classified ad in the Portland Oregonian: "For sale -- double cemetery plot, nice view.Must sell,original owners have moved."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:12 PM                        Rated Becky Twisted Family Ties... Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my step- mother, or whether my child is my daughter or my neice." Thanks to Reader's Digest, Life In These United States  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:40 PM                        Rated G Lorraine This is a passenger announcement.The train on platform one,two, three,four,five,six,seven,eight,nine,ten,eleven and twelve has come in sideways.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:52 PM                        Rated G It's tax season! Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 05:17 PM                        Rated R A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman" Curious, he buys a ticket.The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There,spot lit in the center ring isa table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt,whips out a huge member and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive,much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.Again,the center ring is illuminateThis time,instead of walnuts,three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well", says the Scot "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be."  |  IP: Logged

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