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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 06:05 AM                        Rated G Iraq Holding Easter Bunny, Says Bush WASHINGTON, DC (AheadOfNews.com) - In a surprise statement made after two nearly sleepless nights, George W. Bush has stated that Iraq must hand over the Easter Bunny or face military action. "I wasn't quite sure how to take that," said a Washington insider who asked not to be named. "At first I thought it was a code phrase, or something. Then I realized he'd been working on his State of the Union speech for almost 48 hours straight, and he might just be sleepwalking." Other Washington insiders agree, suggesting that this may be the first recorded episode of presidential somnambulation. Colin Powell rushed to Bush's defense however, and insisted that the president was neither talking in his sleep nor using a code phrase. "We have evidence obtained from our own sources that Saddam Hussein has the Easter Bunny, and that he's been using deception and stalling tactics to prevent the UN inspection team from finding him." Powell continued "Let me make this perfectly clear - absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. It's not up to us to prove that Iraq has the Easter Bunny. It's up to Iraq to prove that it does not. If Saddam Hussein can't do something this simple, it's absolute proof that they are not only deliberately hiding the Easter Bunny, but also biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons of mass destruction."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G A LOGIC TEST ( Answers below ) 1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper. 2. How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen? 3. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship.The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long.The tide is rising at four inches an hour.How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater? 4. Which would you rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes? 5. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand.All together, how many do they have? 6. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal? 7. If the Vice-President of the United States should die,who would be President? 8. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you? 9. According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime? 10. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS ************************************************** Answers:Scroll Down . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. .. .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. .. .. 1. Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door. 2. There are twelve (not four). 3. Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship! 4. Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes! 5. If they put them all together,there will be one pile. 6. Horse racing. 7. The President. 8. Throw the ball straight up. 9. Suicide 10. Sleeplessness:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 07:47 AM                        Rated G Lorraine 30 MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? Welcome,ladies and gentlemen,to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People.If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you. However,for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you. SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning.Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply.Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs,but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths,clothes,just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again.Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space,which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes,dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one.Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom.The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed.(Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (eewww) This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager.When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and,yes,rerun it. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does,a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair,use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes.Yes,it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair) SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room,which is the only place people look.Don't bother vacuuming under furniture.It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING The key here is low, low, and lower.It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not,saving you,oh,hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Time: 0 SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 02:49 PM                        Rated G Police Seize Huge Cache of Computer Gremlins DIGITAL CITY, CA (AheadOfNews.com) - Acting on a tip from an unidentified caller, police today seized hundreds of thousands of potent computer gremlins stored in the basement of a rogue scientist. Paul Snivel, 1010 Byte St., a former computer science student at the University of California, Berkeley, confessed to manufacturing millions of the gremlins over the past decade. The gremlins are likely responsible for a large percentage of otherwise inexplicable "fatal obscenity" errors afflicting computers worldwide, experts said. Snivel told police that he began making gremlins shortly after flunking out. To exact "revenge upon a cruel world," he transported the gremlins to the Berkeley campus and inserted them into computers through their mouse ports. The self-replicating gremlins, which combine the digital nature of a computer virus with the bodily nature of a dust mite, quickly spread worldwide - through phone lines as well as on the wind. "Under a microscope, they look really green and oogie," said Digital City Police Chief Constance Wang. The Fatal Obscenity Gremlin can cause infected computers to shout "naughty things" through their speakers at unpredictable intervals and to suddenly erase "whatever you are working on." They also can "play hob" with other aspects of your computer. "Sometimes you go for months thinking you are safe," Wang said, "and then your computer writes 'Poopy Butt' on every line of your tax return." For computer users, help is on the way. Roger Macaroni, head librarian at the Digital City Public Library, has collected a "considerable" stack of books and pamphlets on the subject. Among them are Gremlins for Dummies and Gremlins Made Easy as well as more technical papers such as "Adaptive Pattern Recognition by Self-Organizing Gremlins," "Multistage Acquisition of Gremlin Behavior," and "Real-Time Trajectory Analysis Using Stacked Gremlins."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:22 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues The bathtub was invented in 1850. The telephone was invented in 1875. This might not seem like much, but if you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without being bothered by the phone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:26 PM                        Rated G POOR FELLA My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn't want him... and his mother won't take him back.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G Olsen Holds Key to Missing Northern Lights HAMMERFEST, NORWAY (AheadOfNews.com) - Anders Olsen is back,and so are the lights. Skygazers in the northern hemisphere shouted with joy last night when the northern lights,missing for nearly a week, flickered back on. Birgit Larsdatter Knudsen of the Hammerfest Tourist Board explained that Olsen,73, the keeper of the Northern Lighthouse, had turned the lights off and gone to Oslo.The lighthouse,on the outskirts of Hammerfest,contains the northern lights generator and the on/off switch. "Normally when Anders visits his cousin in Oslo,he leaves the key to the lighthouse with Ole Pedersen," Knudsen said."But this time he forgot.He was gone for a week, and he doesn't have a cell phone.There was nothing we could do." Visitors to Finnmark, the county that includes Hammerfest, expressed dismay when the lights failed to display as advertised. "We came thousands of miles to see the aurora borealis," said Guadalupe Lopez of Mexico City."They were beautiful the first night, and then, poof, nada." To the delight of Lopez and her husband,Jorge, the lights returned before the final days of their Arctic vacation. "We were so happy to see them that we paid a locksmith to make two more keys,"she said."We gave one to Birgit and one to Ole. Next year when we come to Hammerfest,we want to be sure the sky is properly lit."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 06:39 AM                        Rated G Hikers Report Unusual Moon Sightings in Peru CUZCO, PERU (AheadOfNews.com) - The moon may be made of lemon meringue rather than green cheese, according to a pair of Dutch hikers. After trekking for a week in the highlands of south-central Peru, Lodewyk van der Schaaf and Willem Kuiper reported that the quarter moon as seen from Vilcanota is wedge-shaped. Vilcanota is a 17,000-foot mountain in a highlands region populated mainly by herders, weavers, and animals called alpacas. Cuzco, the main city in the region, is the ancient and sacred capital of the Incas. "From Vilcanota the quarter moon looked exactly like a piece of lemon pie," van der Schaaf said. "I wanted to pull it down and eat it, perhaps with vanilla ice cream." Generally speaking, the quarter moon is reported to be crescent-shaped. However, "triangular moon shapes" were reported in 1998 during the annual "moon party" of the Unidentified Flying Object Society of New Zealand. This report, van der Schaaf argued, tends to support the hikers' claim about "pie in the sky." He proposed a theological explanation for the Vilcanota sighting. "We think the phenomenon can best be understood in terms of ancient Incan religion," he said. "One of the Incan gods was Killa, the Moon. We think that this female deity might decide to appear as a crescent, a wedge, a series of thin concentric rings, or whatever she liked. Who's to say?" Astronomers interviewed for this article said they doubted that the moon was a god or that she could appear to be wedge-shaped from any place on Earth. They suggested that alcohol might have been a factor in the sighting. "Hikers should avoid drinking schnapps at high altitude," advised Neils Oort, professor of astronomy at Leiden University in The Netherlands.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 10:20 AM                        Rated G New Very Accurate Definitions Adultry: The wrong people doing the right thing. Constipation: To have and to hold. Decoy: A flashlight in pants pocket. Diary: Book of revelations. Enema: A goose with a gush. Exploration: Beating around the bush. Giggalo: The egg that laid the golden goose. Masturbation: A solo played on a private Organ Nurse: A pan handler.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 11:10 AM                        Rated R If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 11:13 AM                        Rated G :)Baby Blues If builders built buildings the way software programmers wrote programs,then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 03:28 PM                        Rated G Invisible Wedgie Monster Stalks Kansas WICHITA, KS (AheadOfNews.com) - Police and public officials are baffled by a series of attacks on pedestrians in the area around the Old Cowtown Museum in downtown Wichita. Barry Throwat, one of the first victims, described the attack as "A sudden sharp yank upwards of my underpants, while I was just walking down the sidewalk. But there wasn't anybody even near me!" Melissa Grumm recalls another attack, which happened to her friend Karen while they were chatting near the museum entrance. "Karen suddenly got this wild look in her eyes," says Grumm, "and it looked like she jumped into the air.The edge of her underwear just shot out from the top of her Levi's, straight up in the air!.I thought I could hear a kind of a snickering sound, but there was absolutely nobody there!" Another attack occurred near the US Bank building,and was actually captured on one of the security cameras.Dwight Reynolds the bank's security officer, says that even though you can see the victim, Hank Edwards,being "lifted right off his feet by his underpants",there is no sign of anyone or anything that could have done it. Police Captain Melvin Trimp says that whoever the prankster is, he will be caught and brought to justice eventually. Until then, he advises people in downtown Wichita to exercise caution. "Normally I wouldn't advise against wearing underwear," he says, "but it might be prudent to go without until the perpetrator is caught."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:21 AM                        Rated G Tennessee Men in Fair Condition after Scuffle with Ents SEVIERVILLE, TN (AheadOfNews.com) - A pair of self-described tree-haters remained in fair condition today at Deep Woods Medical Center after tussling with Ents in Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Ents are large, intelligent, ambulatory trees that guard the world's remaining old-growth forests. They are described in detail in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings. Luther Moonie and Earl Skink told hospital authorities that a "bunch of Ents" attacked them near Baxter Creek when the two men attempted to fell a "big old tulip poplar" with a chainsaw. "Luther fired up his Stihl," Skink said, "and was fixing to operate when this here godawful woody hand reached down and picked him up by his hair. It shook him until he squealed like my cousin Orville's pig, and then it flung him in some brambles." Subsequently, Skink said, "a bunch of really mad Ents lit on us and drubbed us every which a way and tromped on us and rolled us around in poison ivy." Disoriented, the two men wandered through the woods until they came to a road. A passing motorist took them to the hospital. Both men were reported in fair condition today with scratches, bruises, multiple small cuts, poison ivy rash, and insect bites. In addition, Skink suffered a broken toe related to "kicking an Ent." The giant trees also destroyed Skink's 1986 Ford pickup truck, parked nearby. Park Ranger Tony Beaumont reported finding "truck pieces and related residues" scattered over two acres. "I doubt they'll try this sort of thing again," he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G WILLY: My grandfather was such a dreadful magician that he was thrown in jail. LILY: Why was he so bad? WILLY: He attempted to saw his assistant in half. LILY: But all magicians do that! WILLY: Lengthwise?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 08:56 AM                        Rated R The couple ended their date at her house.She invited the man in,since it was early. As he sat down on the sofa she said,"Would you like to have a lil' drink ?" He grinned and replied,"I'd like to have a little -- period." "How very convenient."she mused."'Cause that's exactly what I'm having."  |  IP: Logged

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