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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 07:41 AM                        Rated PG While I was driving through a seedy area of San Diego,I noticed a shop sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store. All of the windows were blacked out,and over the door was a sign that proudly declared: "Welcome to Kink-o's. We have NOTHING to do with office supplies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 08:03 AM                        Rated G Questions that make you go, "Huh?" - How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? - What happens if you get scared to death twice? - If the number 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? - If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? - If love is blind,why is lingerie so popular?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 08:09 AM                        Rated R What a difference two inches makes: Guy,naked in front of mirror: "Two inches more I would be a King." Wife: "Two inches less,and you'd be a queen."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 08:35 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine There were two factories. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers,so they were called the "Mothers Frockers." The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles,so they were called the "Cork Soakers." One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:06 AM                        Rated G 100 ways to make you smile 01. Call an old friend, just to say hi. 02. Hold a door open for a stranger. 03. Invite someone to lunch. 04. Compliment someone on his or her appearance. 05. Ask a coworker for their opinion on a project. 06. Bring cookies to work. 07. Let someone cut in during rush hour traffic. 08. Leave a waitress or waiter a big tip. 09. Tell a cashier to have a nice day. 10. Call your parents. 11. Let someone know you miss them. 12. Treat someone to a movie. 13. Let a person know you really appreciate them. 14. Visit a retirement center. 15. Take a child to the zoo. 16. Fill up your spouse's car with gas. 17. Surprise someone with a small gift. 18. Leave a thank-you note for the cleaning staff at work. 19. Write a letter to a distant relative. 20. Tell someone you thought about them the other day. 21. Put a dime in a stranger's parking meter before the time expires. 22. Bake a cake for a neighbor. 23. Send someone flowers to where they work. 24. Invite a friend to tea. 25. Recommend a good book to someone. 26. Donate clothing to a charity. 27. Offer an elderly person a ride to where they need to go. 28. Bag your own groceries at the checkout counter. 29. Give blood. 30. Offer free baby-sitting to a friend who's really busy or just needs a break. 31. Help your neighbor rake leaves or shovel snow. 32. Offer your seat to someone when there aren't any left. 33. Help someone with a heavy load. 34. Ask to see a store's manager and comment on the great service. 35. Give your place in line at the grocery store to someone who has only a few items. 36. Hug someone in your family for no reason. 37. Wave to a child in the car next to you. 38. Send a thank-you note to your doctor. 39. Repeat something nice you heard about someone else. 40. Leave a joke on someone's answering machine. 41. Be a mentor or coach to someone. 42. Forgive a loan. 43. Fill up the copier machine with paper after you're done using it. 44. Tell someone you believe in them. 45. Share your umbrella on a rainy day. 46. Welcome new neighbors with flowers or a plant. 47. Offer to watch a friend's home while they're away. 48. Ask someone if they need you to pick up anything while you're out shopping. 49. Ask a child to play a board game, and let them win. 50. Ask an elderly person to tell you about the good old days. 51. During bad weather, plan an indoor picnic with the family. 52. Buy someone a goldfish and bowl. 53. Compliment someone on their cooking and politely ask for a second helping. 54. Dance with someone who hasn't been asked. 55. Tell someone you mentioned them in your prayers. 56. Give children's clothes to another family when your kids outgrow them. 57. Deliver extra vegetables from your garden to the whole neighborhood. 58. Call your spouse just to say, I love you. 59. Call someone's attention to a rainbow or beautiful sunset. 60. Invite someone to go bowling. 61. Figure out someone's half-birthday by adding 182 days, and surprise them with a cake. 62. Ask someone about their children. 63. Tell someone which quality you like most about them. 64. Brush the snow off of the car next to yours. 65. Return your shopping cart to the front of the store. 66. Encourage someone's dream, no matter how big or small it is. 67. Pay for a stranger's cup of coffee without them knowing it. 68. Leave a love letter where your partner will find it. 69. Ask an older person for their advice. 70. Offer to take care of someone's pet while they're away. 71. Tell a child you're proud of them. 72. Visit a sick person, or send them a care package. 73. Join a Big Brother or Sister program. 74. Leave a piece of candy on a coworker's desk. 75. Bring your child to work with you for the afternoon. 76. Give someone a recording of their favorite music. 77. Email a friend some information about a topic they are especially interested in. 78. Give someone a homemade gift. 79. Write a poem for someone. 80. Bake some cookies for your local fire or police department. 81. Organize a neighborhood cleanup and have a barbecue afterwards. 82. Help a child build a birdhouse or similar project. 83. Check in on an old person, just to see if they're okay. 84. Ask for the recipe after you eat over at someone's house. 85. Personally welcome a new employee at work and offer to take them out for lunch. 86. While in a car, ask everyone to buckle up because they are important to you. 87. Let someone else eat the last slice of cake or pizza. 88. Stop and buy a drink from a kid's lemonade stand. 89. Forgive someone when they apologize. 90. Wave to someone looking for a parking space when you're about to leave a shopping center. 91. Send a copy of an old photograph to a childhood friend. 92. Leave a pint of your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream in the freezer with a bow on it. 93. Do a household chore that is usually done by someone else in the family. 94. Be especially happy for someone when they tell you their good news. 95. Compliment a coworker on their role in a successful project. 96. Give your spouse a spontaneous back rub at the end of the day. 97. Serve someone in your family breakfast in bed. 98. Ask someone if they've lost weight. 99. Make a donation to a charity in someone's honor. 100. Take a child to a ballgame.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:22 AM                        Rated PG Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Betty-Jo the blonde redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "She Thought she was having her picture taken."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:24 AM                        Rated PG ............Sue Bee A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:43 AM                        Rated G ....Seen on a Card Forget about the past,you can't change it. Forget about the future,you can't predict it. Forget about the present,I didn't get you one.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:49 AM                        Rated G An enormously wealthy 65 year-old man falls in love with a girl in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I am 45? he asked a friend. Your chances are better, said his friend, if you tell her you are 90.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 11:26 AM                        Rated G "Bran Matzoh" Have you heard about the newest cereal on the market? It's just for Jewish people. It's called Bran Matzoh. Its slogan is, "Let My People Go."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 01:08 PM                        Rated G A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 01:13 PM                        Rated G "I don't want to say the economy is bad, but by the time the quarter hit the ground it was only worth 80% of what it was when he first flipped it." -- 'Monday Night Football' analyst Dennis Miller on President Bush's coin toss to open the 2001 NFL Season.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 01:27 PM                        Rated PG What Men Want More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified cigars. Public beer fountains. Kitty catapults. All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters. Wet T-shirt Fridays. Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors. Rocket boots. Machine gun camp. NASA space shuttle races. Sledgehammer boxing. Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments. Congressional pie fights. Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero. More beer. More cheese. More sex. Tomahawk missile surf boards. Hot tub jury boxes. Nacho cheese lipstick. Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs. New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts. 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar. More beer. More cheese. More sex. Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used. Inflatable sex dolls who cook. Beef jerky business cards. Combination briefcase/pizza oven. National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day. Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses. Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer. Karaoke "ejector" stages. Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN. The Astronaut Reserves. Porno without all the "talking" filler. Head banging elevated to "fine art". All money spent on women tax deductible! Free BBQ buffet at the DMV. Passports to Margaritaville. The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot. One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G Breaking News,Easy Life Drives Local Man to Brink NOGGIN, KY(AheadOfNews.com) - Early this afternoon, police rescued a prominent Noggin building contractor,James Tilson, from an apparent suicide leap from Jehoshaphat Bridge. The well-known civic leader teetered for several hours on a narrow ledge of the bridge while threatening to jump into the Bramble River. Tilson, 42,told police, reporters, and bystanders that he was tired of being rich,handsome,and admired. "I had a wonderful childhood," he said."My parents adored me. Friends thought I was great.Teachers loved me.I got scholarships,wonderful jobs,gifts,bonuses,awards.All my life I've been finding thousand-dollar bills in the pockets of my old bowling shirts.Women follow me everywhere,oohing and aahing.I can't stand it." Unlike others,he had never experienced the mishaps,heartbreaks, and crushing defeats "that make life so interesting for most people," he said."My life is totally boring." Police attempted to calm Tilson by promising to beat him if he came down.Sympathetic bystanders offered to seduce his wife, to raid his bank accounts,and to smash his Lexus, parked near the bridge. The despairing man finally relented after Harmon Fritz,a security expert,promised to steal Tilson's identity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 08:12 AM                        Rated G A wagon trail was heading west, and the wagon master send a scout ahead to watch out for Indians. The man was gone for a few hours and came back to report that he saw an Indian on a hill. "How big was he? " the wagon master asked. "About one inch", the scout replied as he show with his two fingers. "Go out again and keep your eyes on him" ordered the wagon master,and the scout complied.A few hours later,he came back and reported that he saw the Indian again. "How big was he?" the wagon master asked.By showing with his hand,the scout said that he was bigger than the length from his fingertip to the end of his wrist "Keep and eye out for him and report back" said the wagon master. The scout came back after a few hours and reported that the Indian was now as tall as his arm up to the elbow. "Go out and shoot the SOB!" ordered the wagon master. "I can't" replied the scout. "Why not?' asked the wagon master. I've known him ever since when he was this big" the scout said, showing the wagon master with his two fingers an inch apart as before!  |  IP: Logged

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