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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 06:04 AM                        Rated G ...............Hank in Simi Valley Kind-a Gets You Wondering.......... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 06:58 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee in Texas A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 06:59 AM                        Rated G In California,there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce,but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 07:04 AM                        Rated G CRAPPY GREETING CARDS 1.You wrecked your car and don't remember why. Could have been..... That case of bud dry! 2.My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I stopped to look.... I noticed your cat. 3.Your computer is dead. It once was a first-rate. Don't you regret buying...... Windows 98? 4.Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. Well don't worry about her.... She moved in with me!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 07:13 AM                        Rated PG Jill: There's a nice-looking lady at the window table. John: She's a hooker. Jill: How can you be so sure? John: C'mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up,that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels. Jill: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like a hooker? John: There's no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 07:15 AM                        Rated G At a bridal shower, each guest was asked to introduce herself and tell everyone how she met Amber, the bride-to-be. "I met Amber while dating her brother Ron," the first young woman said. The second person gave the same answer. The third said she was Ron's current girlfriend. An older woman was next. "It's nice to meet all of you ladies," she announced with a grin. "But I think I'd really rather meet Ron."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 03:12 PM                        Rated G Marriage is love. • Love is blind. • Marriage is an institution. • Therefore: Marriage is an institution for the blind.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 03:17 PM                        Rated G A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go fix them a couple drinks. As he's standing there he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He turns beat red and says, "Gee, oh...I'm sorry...I..." She continues, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 05:34 AM                        Rated PG Winona Ryder's Probation Last month, Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting $5,500 worth of merchandise from a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue. What are the terms of the probation? • Required to serve 250 hours as butt of Leno monologue jokes • May not date rock star for one full year • Restricted to no more than four new hairstyles per year for identification purposes • Must agree to read prosecuting attorney's screenplay • Required to seek counseling with some freaky New Age mystic L.A. dude • May no longer walk into stores and just take things • Must carry heavy wooden stocks through streets of L.A. while peasants pelt her with vegetables and shout, "Lo! How the mighty have fallen!" • Will be held fully accountable for her Ms. Deeds  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 05:46 AM                        Rated G Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Jack Handy, Saturday Night Live  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 06:54 AM                        Rated G 2002 Best Headlines Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors West Pac  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 06:59 AM                        Rated G Jill goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Jill walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 07:12 AM                        Rated G Lorraine So that you'll never be tempted to participate in a "neighborhood garage sale," allow me to explain how they go: Friday night you're up until two in the morning marking priceson all the junk you're hoping people will buy.At this point you're almost psychotically optimistic, calculating the total value of your "inventory" at slightly over twenty-two thousand dollars. In particular,you're hoping to rid yourself of a hideous lamp constructed from a stars-and-stripes motorcycle helmet like the one Peter Fonda wore in Easy Rider, and you give it a bargain price of $22.Last year's tag is still clinging to the chin strap; it reads $18. The garage sale is scheduled to begin at 9:00am.At 6:30 a woman awakens you by pounding on your door."I like to get an early start," she dimples. When you open the garage door to let her in,there are seven cars in your driveway. By 11:30 all you've sold is a T-shirt for ten cents.Worse, your daughter borrowed twenty bucks so she could go shopping at the neighbors' garage sales.You mark the motorcycle helmet lamp down to $18. At noon you leave the operation in your son's hands and go inside to get some lunch.A stranger is in your bathroom,trying on clothes.Another wants to know if you have "any more cake." When you return to the garage,you find your son ecstatic because he has sold a whole set of garden tools-shovel,axe,rake,spade-- for fifty cents each.You sadly advise him that they weren't for sale in the first place."I wondered why there were no price tags,"he replies. You look around."Where's my new bicycle?" you gasp,horrified. Your son tells you one of the neighbor kids is out taking it for a "test drive." A little later one of your neighbors shows up to see how you're doing."Hey,this Easy Rider lamp is a hoot!" he chuckles."How much?" "Since you're a friend, twenty-five bucks," you gush. "The tag says eighteen," he points out. "Okay, eighteen." "I'll give you seventy-five cents." "Sold!" It's the high point of the day. Around one there's another rush: Word has gotten out you're selling garden tools for half a buck each. "I'll give you a dollar for your lawnmower," one shopper suggests. You ask him to leave. A woman picking through the books you're selling wants to know if you have anything by Carl Hiassen. When you tell her no, she asks if she can "look inside." You ask her to leave.When you step into the house a few minutes later,your son is showing your ties to the man who ate all your cake."Why don't you check out some of the other sales," you suggest to both of them. Your neighbor calls."My wife says I can't keep this lamp," he reports. "I'll have to bring it back." "All sales are final," you snap. "Come on, Bruce," he whines. "You can keep the money." "If you set foot in my driveway, I'll call the police," you warn. You observe a young man slinking over to the collection of National Geographics you've priced at a dime apiece. He looks a little like a thief, and you wonder how fast he's going to be able to run with eighty pounds of magazines under each arm. "This is my first garage sale, and I'm a little nervous," he informs you. "That's okay." "I heard on the radio about this guy who bought what looked like a worthless rock collection, and in it was a sapphire worth two million dollars,"he remarks. "Oh?" you say politely. "You got anything like that?" At 6:00pm the sale is over. It's difficult to calculate your take for the day because at some point you apparently sold the cash box. The thought of re-stocking all your stuff back inside the house is too fatiguing, and you begin transferring it directly to the trash can. Your son bursts in, effusive over some of the great stuff he's bought. "Look Dad, only three bucks! Now we have a matched set!" he trumpets, flourishing his prize. It is, of course, the motorcycle helmet lamp.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 07:14 AM                        Rated G HOW NOT TO GET HIRED ( actual quotes from resumes) -I have lurnt wordperfect6.0,computor and spreadsheet progroms. -Reason for leaving last job:maturity leave. -Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions. -failed bar exam with relatively high grades. -NOTE:please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job hopping'. I have never quit a job. -I am loyal to my employee at all costs...please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. -The company made me a scapegoat, just like my 3 previous employers. -Finished eighth in my class of 10.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 07:20 AM                        Rated PG Sue Bee Bonehead award A "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes to two men in Puzhany, Russia who, wanting to get some auto insurance money, towed their damaged car to some location in the middle of a street. Then they called the police to report that it had been involved in a car accident. The police opened the hood of the car and "found an empty space instead of an engine."  |  IP: Logged

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