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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-18-2003 07:36 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Alex
Farm Bits:
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal,it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies.It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar,
assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label
things as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles .
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
And don't name a pig, calf or goat you plan to eat. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-21-2003 01:50 PM
Rated G Donna in Phoenix
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and
don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila,
three tequila, floor .....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is
because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the
sales woman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical
questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his
mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to
"get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an
endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued,
can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings
be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell,
is he homeless or is he naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime,
do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the
drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody PLEASE explain THIS ONE to me!
I know there's a logical explanation,
but it escapes me.)
20. How do they get deer to cross the road
only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing
before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists:
they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto,
would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed,
which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word
"Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"
instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season
if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date
on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle
three times, does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against
acts of God?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-22-2003 06:45 AM
Rated G
Man Trapped on Escalator for Four Hours
LOS ANGELES, CA (AheadOfNews.com) - A local man survived a harrowing ordeal yesterday when the escalator he was on experienced mechanical failure halfway through its ascent, stranding him between department store floors for almost four hours.
Stewart Pidd, a 34 year old bank manager at Howard Howard & Howie Investment Brokers, was somewhat shaken but "handling things pretty well," according to L.A. Fire Department veteran Dan Sharpe, one of six men involved in Pidd's rescue.
“He seemed pretty calm for someone put in that kind of situation. We walked up to him using the escalator steps, and then we all walked down the steps together. We’re professionals so we’re experienced with this sort of thing, but he didn’t do bad for someone with no training.”
Despite suffering no physical injury, Pidd indicated that spending four hours on an escalator was not something he wished to do again. “I was getting desperate,” he said shortly after the incident, “and it would have been just a matter of time before I tried to walk down those steps by myself.”
Boore’s department store has indicated that while the escalator is being fixed, shoppers are free to use the elevator or stairs.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-22-2003 07:49 AM
Rated G Michele
Are you ready to step across the Mason/Dixon line, into the world that special gal or guy? This quick test will tell you...
1. Your gal has gas pains, probably from Mom's road kill chili. To prevent any embarrassment, clasp her hand and:
A. ask your Folks to excuse you while you both step out for some
air.
B. suggest that she go mingle with the hounds for a while.
C. whisper discreetly in her ear "Pssst...ask me to pull your
finger!"
2. You enter your guy's den. The huge aircraft spotlight, hot air balloon and crowd of people on his TV screen tell you it's a scene from:
A. a World War II movie
B. a "King Kong" sequel
C. just down the road, at Crazy Leroy's 48-hour truck & tractor
giveaway
3. Your guy wants to come to dinner, with his father and his
favorite uncle, Rufus. You should:
A. tell him he's imposing on the hospitality of a liberated gal
B. put him off nicely, hoping he'll forget about it eventually
C. agree on a day... and set a 4th place at the table, to be safe
4. Your gal is tired of the trashy movies you like.To prove you
are a Renaissance type of guy, promise your next film together
will have:
A. no helicopters or automatic weapons
B. no gratuitous sex or violence
C. no farm animals in compromising sexual positions
5. Your gal has brought you to dine with her Mom and Dad. As they open the door, you should first greet:
A. Mom
B. Dad
C. Whichever isn't holding the shotgun
6. Your guy is going off deer hunting this weekend. If you really love him you will:
A. spend a quiet weekend at home alone
B. invite the Game Warden to dinner, to keep him here in town
C. stand by your man... hold the flashlight while he shoots
7. Your gal was very close to her Uncle Billy Bob.She has been
devastated by his death.Show her your love by offering:
A. your full support through the difficult days ahead
B. the good sour mash reserved for special family occasions
C. use of your family burial plot,out behind the '58 GMC pickup
8. Your guy apologizes for a recent bout of impotency.Show your
support by encouraging him to visit:
A. his doctor
B. your divorced sister for a relaxing massage
C. more of those all-night card games he likes so much
9. It's the first anniversary of the night you met your guy. Make it a really special night for him by:
A. sweeping the cracker crumbs out of the bed
B. having a romantic home-cooked meal for him in your kitchen
C. having dinner out. Have enough insect repellent on hand
10. Your gal wants you to go home with her this Christmas to meet her folks.This is too much pressure,too fast.Tell her you'd
love to go,but:
A. not without your hog. Wilbur suffers Holiday depression if left alone
B. you play the donkey (rear half) in this year's KKK Christmas
Story
C. MealsOnWheels needs you, to send out Holiday dinners on little skateboards
*****************************
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Answers
The correct answer to all questions is C.
If you scored 9 or 10 correct, consider yourself adopted by the
family and friends of your Belle or Beau.
A score of 5 to 8 is promising, but don't throw away the phone
numbers of the city folk you've been out with.
Did you score below 5? Return any gifts you've received. You are
not equipped for the intricacies of Southern social life.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-22-2003 10:42 AM
Rated G
COOL DEFINITIONS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The Winners of 2003's Washington Post Style Invitational. Enjoy!
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of going to go to bed with a person of the opposite sex.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right? And then,like,the Earth explodes and it's like,a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-22-2003 11:50 AM
Rated G
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection,and the dog,ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street,leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street,and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket,which he offers to the dog.
A passerby,having observed the near fatal incident,can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To
find out where his head is,so I can kick his ass"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-23-2003 12:40 PM
Rated G Michele
Jill invited all her friends over on Friday to celebrate her 50th birthday with her.
Ruthy asked, "Will there be music?"
"Of course," said Jill.
John asked, "Will there be entertainment?"
"You bet," said Jill.
Margaret asked, "Will you have a birthday cake?"
"Sure will," said Jill.
Nadine asked, "Candles on the cake?"
"No," said Jill. "This will be a birthday party, not a torchlight procession."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-24-2003 07:03 AM
Rated PG
North and South
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
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The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
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The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
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The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
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The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
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The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
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The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.
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The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
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In the South:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
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Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store....do not buy food at this store.
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Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural,
and "all y'all's is plural possessive.
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Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
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Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.
They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective big'ol" truck or "big'ol" boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
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Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
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If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
should stay out of the way. Those may well be the last words he'll ever say.
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If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything
or not. You just have to go there.
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Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own
shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught
them how to aim.
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AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think
we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had
kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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Have a good day! Show this to four people that ain't related to
you,and reckon your life will turn into a country music song
'fore you know it.
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