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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 12:55 PM                        Rated G I went to my doctor yesterday and he told me to take a hot bath before retiring.That's ridiculous!It'll be years before I retire. I went to my doctor with a sore foot.I said,"Doc,what'll I do?" He said, "Limp." But he had me back on my feet in no time. He stole my car. Have you noticed how many more twins are being born these days? I think kids are getting afraid of coming into this world alone. She had her face lifted so many times she had to walk on tiptoes! My doctor is an ear, eye, nose, throat, and wallet specialist. My doctor says I must give up those little intimate dinners for two ... unless I have someone else eating with me. Henny Youngman]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 03:35 PM                        Rating PG Two boys are playing hockey on a pond near Boston Common when one isattacked by a rabid Rottweiler.Thinking quickly,the other boy takes his stick,wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over tointerview the boy. The reporter starts writing down in his notebook... "Young Bruins Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," "But I'm not a Bruins fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter. "Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Red Sox fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or Red Sox.What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Yankees fan," the child replied. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes; "Little Bastard from New York kills Beloved Family Pet"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 07:19 AM                        Rated PG Through The Eyes of a Woman THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.There is only one TV between them and ........  there is NO REMOTE!!! The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. The last man wins........... only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother. One more thing, they cannot kill themselves or the kids, or they automatically get voted off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 08:27 AM                        Rated G DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN..? All the girls had ugly gym uniforms? It took five minutes for the TV warm up? Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school? Nobody owned a purebred dog? When a quarter was a decent allowance? You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny? Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces? All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels? You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air?  And, you got trading stamps to boot? Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box? It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents? They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. .. ..and they did? When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady? No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked? Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ..." and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game? Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger? And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,and share it with the children of today? When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!  But we survived because their love was greater than the threat. Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk. As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool,and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"? I am sharing this with you today  because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between  old enough to know better and too young to care. How many of these do you remember? Candy cigarettes Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers Newsreels before the movie P.F. Fliers Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601). Party lines Peashooters Howdy Dowdy 45 RPM records Green Stamps Hi-Fi's Metal ice cubes trays with levers Mimeograph paper Beanie and Cecil Roller-skate keys Cork pop guns Drive ins Studebakers Washtub wringers The Fuller Brush Man Reel-To-Reel tape recorders Tinkertoys Erector Sets The Fort Apache Play Set Lincoln Logs 15 cent McDonald hamburgers 5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum Penny candy t 35 cent a gallon gasoline Jiffy Pop popcorn Do you remember a time when.... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"? "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest? Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"? The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"? Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot? A foot of snow was a dream come true? Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game? Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!   |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:44 AM                        Rated G Michele I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:57 AM                        Rated G Michele There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out. So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, "Big chief, no fart." The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened. The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart." The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time. The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart." The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans. The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart." The doctor gives him 10,000 cans of beans and says, "If this doesn't work then nothing will." The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor. The doctor anxiously asked, "Well, did it work?" The messenger boy says, "Big fart, no chief!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 10:04 AM                        Rated G :0 Michele "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --- Warren Hutcherson "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --- A. Whitney Brown "We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --- Richard Jeni "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --- Paul Rodriguez  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 10:23 AM                        Rated G Michele A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peeringinto the carriage said,"What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks *just* like his father." "I know", replied the woman,"I just wish he looked more like my husband!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated G Diane in Reno Today's Ebonic word from the Detroit School System. OMELETTE Let's use it in a sentence. " I should pop yo ass fo what yo jus did but omelette dis one slide.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 12:22 PM                        Rated G B.B. What Is Insanity? Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 12:23 PM                        Rated G Michele In keeping with the spirit of the times, there's a new exercise class for all Mothers-in-Law. It's called aerobic nagging.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 12:36 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Two explorers were walking through the jungle when they saw a lion. They stood panicked as the lion stared at them. One explorer said to the other'"Stay completely still and it won't attack.That's what it said in the book." The other explorer turned to him and said,"I know I've read the book and I know you've read the book but how do I know the lion's read the book."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 03:40 PM                        Rated G The Joker Poor responses to the question: "DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" * "Not to Stevie Wonder." * "I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an "F" or phat with a "PH." * "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won." * "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated G What did one math book say to the other?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated G Question:What did one math book say to the other? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer:I've got problems. Question: Why did the student wear glasses in math class? . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer:Because it helps to improve division.  |  IP: Logged

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