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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2003 11:53 AM                        Rated G I need Answers To These Difficult Questions....... * If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? * If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? * How did a fool and his money get together? * If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? * Bread is square, so why is sandwich meat round? * Why does round pizza come in a square box? * What did cured ham actually have? * Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? * If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? * Why are you IN a movie, bu your ON TV? * If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who does he/she call? * Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? * When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2003 12:30 PM                        Rated G What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog. .. .. .. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . The man wears a suit and the dog just pants.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:13 AM                        Rated G HECTOR: Who is your favorite fiction writer? CHAN: My accountant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:17 AM                        Rated G Michele Coffeeology Expresso yourself. Coffee conquers all. Better latte than never. Take time to smell the coffee. We are slow drips without coffee. Life is too short to drink bad coffee. So many coffee blends, so little time. Coffee is the breakfast of champions. To drink is human, to drink coffee is divine. She who hesitates hasn't had a second cup. Spandex is to the body what coffee is to the mind. Coffee makes other people seem a lot more interesting. Without the joy of java, life doesn't amount to a hill of beans.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:19 AM                        Rated G B.B. Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. - Robert Frost It's extremely difficult to sell anyone a product you have never used - or a religion you've never lived. - Unknown I diet religiously; I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:22 AM                        Rated G Michele A local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:31 AM                        Rated G Michele Bill Gates my father is not.As church treasurer,he had two files,one labeled "St. Mary's Income" and one labeled "St.Mary's Expenditures." While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters,eliminate spaces,and replace apostrophes with periods. Now the church's income is stored in "St.Mary.sin" and expenses in "St.Mary.sex."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 11:32 AM                        Rated G ThewhiteRabbit Go Ahead... Take It! Mrs. Hollis Sharpe was walking her poodle,one night on a Los Angeles street when she was attacked by a mugger,shoved to the ground,and forced to hand over her purse. No doubt congratulating himself on his easy mugging,the mugger ran off. Unfortunately for the mugger,inside Mrs. Hollis Sharpe's purse was just one item:a plastic bag she had just finished using to scoop up after her poodle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 12:01 PM                        Rated G WILLY: I shouldn't have told my fiancee about my rich uncle. LILY: Why not? WILLY: Because now she's my aunt.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2003 10:19 AM                        Rated G If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can be cheerful,ignoring aches and pains, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can do all these things, Then you are probably the family dog.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2003 07:36 PM                        Rated PG Donna in Phoenix Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production ! is $80 and his p! rofit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2003: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? Teaching Math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es........  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 09:07 AM                        Rated G Michele When my husband worked at a prison,we only had one car,so I used to roll out of bed at 5a.m. drive him to work,then come home and tumble back into bed and sleep. One day while chatting with his colleagues he took out his wallet and showed them a portrait photo of me. "Wow!" a workmate remarked to my husband. "Who's that?" "My wife," he replied proudly. "Oh," his friend responded,looking puzzled."Then who's that woman who drops you off in the morning?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 09:19 AM                        Rated G Michele We are now seeing a new, redesigned $20 bill. This is part of an anti-counterfeiting program to redesign all of our old currency, which has become too easy to duplicate with modern color photocopiers- a fact that was made all too clear when Xerox, in its 2002 annual report, reported profits of "$850 Billion, mostly in $20's".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 09:28 AM                        Rated G Michele A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters,as well as their spouses,who were all gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh."Why,I'll give a million dollars to the first person who presents me with a little one.Now let's say a blessing for this food."He then bowed hishead and prayed. When the old man lifted his head,his wife was the only other one at the table.  |  IP: Logged

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