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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated G Michele A group of Scotchmen dressed in traditional kilts, were part of a parade that was temporarily held up because of traffic.A woman standing on the curb spoke to one of the costumed paraders, saying,"Excuse me for being curious,but I've always wondered what you wore under those short kilts." The Scotchman looked at her for a moment with cocked eyebrow and answered,"I'm a man of few words. Give me your hand."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:25 PM                        Rated G "How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?" ---Rita Rudner  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:30 PM                        Rated G Michele In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health.One stout,florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said."Never a day's sickness in my life,and all due to simple food.Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies,no late hours,no extravagances. Every day,in fact,summer and winter,I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning.I worked from eight to one,then had dinner--a plain dinner mark my words: after that,an hour's exercise; then.." "Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner,"but what were you in prison for?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:33 PM                        Rated G Michele Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't they ever think to do their work during the daytime?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:38 PM                        Rated G B.B. 'Maxine-isms' Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures." Maxine on "Life" "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns." Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude.It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." Maxine on "Body Piercing" "I'd get my tongue pierced,but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head." Maxine on "the Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away ...or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." Maxine on "Work" "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a coworker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:41 PM                        Rated G B.B. In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular,wine,but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary."Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:53 PM                        Rated G Michele Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known statement in a foreign language,change a single letter and provide a definition for the new statement: RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID Honk if you're Scottish HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Can you drive a French motorcycle? VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came,I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead. QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. *No kidding. POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown MONAGE A TROIS: I am three years old HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort ALOHA OY: Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know! MAZEL TON: Tons of luck  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 08:53 AM                        Rated G Murphy's Law on Work Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.' Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human,to forgive is not company policy. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. If you are good,you will be assigned all the work.If you are really good,you will get out of it. If it wasn't for the last minute,nothing would get done. At work,the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. The longer the title,the less important the job. Once a job is fouled up,anything done to improve it makes it worse. Success is just a matter of luck,just ask any failure.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 09:05 AM                        Rated G Indian Necklace The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly,"that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh, no," he objected."Anybody can open an oyster."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 09:09 AM                        Rated G ThetoolWoman Top 25 Country Western Songs 25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure. 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You. 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 18. I Still Miss You,Baby,But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 15. I'm So Miserable Without You,It's Like Having You Here 14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You. 13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,Then Number Two On You. 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now. 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head). 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You. 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 8. Please Bypass This Heart. 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles. 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer. And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is... 1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 10:00 AM                        Rated G Two guys in a supermarket Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes,long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?" To which the first guy replies, "Never mind let's look for yours."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 10:30 AM                        Rated G Best Gin Cake Ever 1 or 2 Quarts of Gin 1 tsp. sugar 1 cup butter 2 large eggs 1 cup dried fruit 1 tsp. soda lemon juice brown sugar baking powder nuts Before you start, sample the Gin to check for quality (Good, isn't it?) Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the Gin again. It must be just right. To be sure Gin is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of Gin into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.Add one seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the Gin is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart is necessary. Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Gin again, check for tonacisticity. Next, sif 3 cups pepper or salt ( it really doesn't matter which) Sample the Gin again. Sift ½ pint of lemon juice. Fold in chipped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Mix well. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the Gin again and go to bed.   |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 11:56 AM                        Rated G A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, " Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 12:13 PM                        Rated G A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first,he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot,then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold,and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly,the waiter was very patient,walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:46 AM                        Rated G Michele Among the 15 "worst" actual jobs in science (from the October, 2003 issue of Popular Science): (15) counting fish (one by one, for hours) that swim by dams in the Pacific Northwest; (11) the only two government bureaucrats whose job is to convince Americans of the merits of the metric system; (7) researchers who reach into a cow's rumen to pull out and analyze the stomach contents; (4) mosquito catchers who endure up to 15 bites a minute on three-hour shifts and hope not to get malaria; (3) researchers who extract sperm from animals for study or artificial insemination (and extracting from a pig is much preferable to extracting from a bull); and (1) "flatus odor judges" working for gastroenterologist Michael Levitt,who feeds subjects pinto beans,then gathers gases in plastic collection tubes direct from the source,and then has judges sniff as many as 100 samples,rating them for strength.  |  IP: Logged

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