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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:34 AM                        Rated G Michele I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client. "It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'" When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, "To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G Michele Forgetful? Not me! I don't remember ever forgetting anything.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 08:14 AM                        Rated G Michele If someone is allergic to eating Thanksgiving leftovers, can he quit cold turkey?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 08:26 AM                        Rated G Michele Personal Ad's Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret. ---------------------- Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term relationship.Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give birth to at least four children.Catholics need not apply. ---------------------- Single,unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me.Skills include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included.No experience necessary. ---------------------- Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes,or wary of long expeditions, don't apply. ---------------------- Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders submissive,obedient followers to worship and praise my every move. No shirt, no shoes, no service. ---------------------- Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring his helmet,pads,and offensive line to bed.First and ten! Do it again! ---------------------- Tall Hispanic lesbian looking for a vertically challenged person tospend evenings clipping my toenails and picking them out of the carpet. ---------------------- Do you have six toes or another pedal anomaly? If so, I want you! Other deformities--however attractive--need not apply. ---------------------- Greedy, money-hungry, single white female looking for obscenely rich older man (preferably on his death bed) to spend time and money with. Would like to wiggle my way into the will and be the sole beneficiary. Call before time runs out. ---------------------- Mama's boy, dependent on parents for income, is looking for a female who is family-oriented and wouldn't mind having my mom chaperone. No dog lovers please. ---------------------- Charlie B. ISO Lucy. Me: self-esteem issues and bad sweaters. You:rapier wit and a complete disregard for my ego. Big head optional. ---------------------- Playmate wanted. SWM with large stuffed animal collection ISO female furvert for meaningful relationship with me and my plush toys. ---------------------- Albino male seeking dark-skinned woman who will take me to movies and hand-feed me popcorn. Must love to stay inside with the blinds closed to keep out sunlight, and dread mornings. ---------------------- Alcoholic female craves man to keep her knee-deep in liquor. Your own still a plus. ---------------------- Gay sunless tanning addict seeks dark and crispy partner to share tanning bed. Bring your own goggles and we'll order in! ---------------------- Obedient male seeks female dog-lover for long walks, playing fetch, and cuddling on the couch. You bring the spiky collar; I've got the kibble. ---------------------- Middle-aged heir seeks suitable female for companionship, possible LTR. Family approval required unless mother takes her final bow before we meet. ---------------------- Male bwana hunts big-game guy. You bring the fur coat; I'll bring the rifle. No animal-rights activists or vegetarians.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated G Bruce Actual Answers Given By contestants on "The Family Feud" Game Show Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers Something you put on walls - Roofs Something in the garden that's green - Shed Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Something with a hole in it – Window  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2003 12:02 AM                        Rated PG An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2003 12:11 AM                        Rated G Michele Stranger: "Catch any fish?" Fisherman: "Did I! I took 30 out of this stream this morning!" Stranger: "Do you know who I am? I'm the game warden." Fisherman: "Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2003 01:32 PM                        Rated G Michele A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked in followed by a very large dog.The dog immediately jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock over a lamp and chew on the cushions. The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't you think you should train your dog a little better?" "My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought it was your dog!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2003 01:37 PM                        Rated G B.B. Tidbits of Wit What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket. A test-tube baby has a womb with a view. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2003 09:00 AM                        Rated G Janine MOE: My doctor said if I don't give up playing the drums I'll be dead before the month is over! JOE: My goodness! Why is that? MOE: Because he's my downstairs neighbor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2003 09:09 AM                        Rated G Michele A King,who had three daughters for marriage,made the statement that any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the three.One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead. All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed. One day,Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the King,"I understand you have three daughters for marriage?" The King said,"Yes, if you pass certain tests."So the King explained the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world. A year later,he came back and told the King of all the dragons he had slain,of all the fair maidens he had rescued,and of all the battles had fought. The King said,"Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage.Which do you choose?" Which do you think was his choice? He chose the King because this really is a fairy tale.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-16-2003 06:22 PM                        Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked The newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and Looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit Q:What was one of the first obscenities ever heard on T.V.? A:"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2003 09:05 AM                        Rated G Last Christmas, Grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead. In each card he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early. He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities,and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had receiving very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened.It was then, as he cleared off his luttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 08:48 PM                        Rated G Michele A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?" "Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television." "That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime." "What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."  |  IP: Logged

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