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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 10:48 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora Ont. 1. Why does the gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse? 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? 6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? 7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'best before' date? 9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? 10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing? 11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? 12. What do people in China call their good plates? 13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 14. What do you call male ballerinas? 15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? 16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? 19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of window?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 10:53 AM                        Rated G Courtesy of Greg For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after allthose conflicting medical studies 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans 3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer attacks than Americans 5. Germans drink alot of beer and eat lots of sausages and suffer fewer attacks than Americans CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated G Michele Little old lady at US immigration. Official: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion? {Pause for thought} Little old lady: Violence, I think.  |  IP: Logged Jason Black Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1723 From: Myrtle Beach, SC, USA Registered: Nov 2000 posted 12-09-2003 06:34 AM                        Rated PG13 A nurse walked into a bank this morning, preparing to endorse a check. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and tried to write with it. She looked up at the teller, paused for a moment, realizing her mistake and said, "Well that's great...just great, some asshole's got my pen."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:27 AM                        Rated G Michele Rejected Titles for Michael Jackson's New CD Jailhouse Pop Oops... I Did It Again! How Much is That Kiddie in the Mini-Van? (Johnnie Cochran Will Help Me) Beat It Billy's Jeans My Career? HIStory The Newly White Album Smells Like Preteen Spirit Man in the Minor I Know What Boys I Like Captain Feel-O All I Want for Christmas Is a New Nose Tip Hey, Who Put a Lollipop in My Pants? I Just Can't Stop Loving Youth *Told* You I Was Bad and Dangerous! Don't Stop Till You Get Locked Up:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:56 AM                        Rated G Peggy They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You call up and it rings and rings, but nobody answers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 08:12 AM                        Rated G Michele Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 08:15 AM                        Rated R Michele What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men usually miss them. THE REASON WHY: Women keep you in the dark about the location of the first one,and they will only hint about the date of the second one...so all that aggravation gives you the shakes,so of course you're gonna miss the toilet!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 09:03 AM                        Rated G Ollie "Luigi, you are a man of da world. What is an operetta?" "That'sa da girl who works the switchboard at da teliphone company."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 11:19 AM                        Rated G "Little Known Illnesses" PSEUDONYMPHOMANIA Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name. HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool. HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50. VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit. OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 11:34 AM                        Rated G B.B. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. "Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up." "Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 11:41 AM                        Rated G Michele One day there was a lady trying to unlock the car with a hanger. A man walked up and asked, "Did you lock your keys in your car?" She said, "No, I just washed my car and I am trying to hang it up to dry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 11:55 AM                        Rated G AllenV Here are some interesting English words and phrases, with their meanings, you might like to introduce to your language. FOOT-IRON: An exceptionally ugly woman. TOTTY: An exceptionally nice looking woman. BINTYCUMLARDYCAKE: What you usually get when you get away with a bit totty. SEAGULL'S WELLIES: Use one of them to have protected bintycumlardycake. (usually found floating near bathing areas) GET OFF BEFORE BILLY-MILL ROUNDABOUT. What you do if you can't find any seagull's wellies.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 12:11 PM                        Rated G Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman,"For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the palm reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from the 'love line' on my palm ?" "Love line? No, from the calluses."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:29 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses. "Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??" My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."  |  IP: Logged

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