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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 10:16 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Top Ten Bald Guys Pickup Lines 10. "You're beautiful, and that's not just the Rogaine talking." 9. "I will shower you with gifts with the money I save not buying shampoo." 8. "Would you like to run your fingers through my head?" 7. "Your eyes are sparkling -- or maybe that's just the glare off my head." 6. "Can you see yourself in my head? How about my pants?" 5. "I don't have any paper,but you can write your phone number on my forehead." 4. "Close your eyes and pretend I'm Dick Cheney." 3. "Wanna go back to my place and see my hairpiece?" 2. "There are two things missing from my life: healthy hair follicle growth and you." 1. "Wanna buff me?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 10:22 AM                        Rated G Michele . . . How can you tell if a Southern wedding is a formal affair? They've painted the shotgun white.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 10:24 AM                        Rated G B.B. I think my problem is indecisiveness.Or maybe it's procrastination.Oh well, I'll figure it out tomorrow. I saw a group of mimes walking a picket line.Their placards were blank. Did you hear the employees at the U.S. Treasury went on strike? They're demanding to make less money! A couple days ago I could have sworn I was seeing images of ghosts following people around everywhere.Turns out my glasses were smudged.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 03:30 PM                        Rated G Michele . . . . . If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:26 PM                        Rated G Pesky People When people get on your nerves, here are some catchy phrases to throw at them: * Why don't you make like a nut and bolt. * Why don't you make like a nylon and run. * Why don't you make like a tree and leave. * Why don't you make like a jet and take off. * Why don't you make like a banana and split. * Why don't you make like a bee and buzz off. * Why don't you make like a drum and beat it. * Why don't you make like a missile and cruise. * Why don't you make like a check and get lost. * Why don't you make like deodorant and roll off. * Why don't you make like the Sahara and desert. * Why don't you make like a hat and go one ahead. * Why don't you make like the dew and evaporate. * Why don't you make like a horse and hit the trail. * Why don't you make like and envelope and get stuffed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:37 PM                        Rated G Michele Tourists ask a lot of interesting questions as we travel among the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat.Some people wanted to know,"Does the water go all the way around the island?" Another asked,"How much farther until we're in the ocean?" But the one that made me want to jump overboard was,"Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G Michele Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector. One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river. "You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked. "No, I don't think so," the other replied. "Why not?" the first farmer asked. "Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum. "I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that. "Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle. "Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road. "He went down the road,runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs.That fool old man opened the bridge,and my bull ran across it,fell in the river and drowned. "Now," the farmer said,"Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 08:14 AM                        Rated G Michele My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later. She called, and a man said, "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!" The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 10:04 AM                        Rated G Michele You know you work for the government when: The process becomes more important than the product. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them. You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money. You work for an acronym, on an acronym,and your job title is an acronym. You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms. You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor. (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years,done the same thing for 3years,but have had 3 different business cards.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 10:07 AM                        Rated G Michele Throughout the Bible's Old Testament,not much good is said about adultery. Turn to the New Testament,however,and there we are admonished to "Love our Neighbor" - I mean, go figure.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 10:19 AM                        Rated G Michele According to 'Mondern Bride' magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, "Yeah, sounds good."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 10:21 AM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit All hurricanes used to be named after women, but a few years ago, they started naming them after men, too. The reason they did this is that they hoped that the hurricanes named after men would stop in the Virgin Islands.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 10:34 AM                        Rated G Michele How do you tickle a rich girl? . . . . . . . . Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated G Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. What is most of the time black, sometimes brown or white, but should be read? The Bible ! Old quilters never die, they just go to pieces. I love giving homemade gifts. Which of my children would you like? Education pays handsomely unless you're an educator.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated G Once there was a boy named Odd. He was the butt of jokes his whole life,because of his name. Eventually he grew up to be a very successful fisherman and owner of three fish processing plants. When Odd was about to die,he said,"People have been teasing me my whole life and I don't want them doing that after I'm dead,so don't put my name on my gravestone." After Odd died,people saw his blank tomb-stone and said . . ." That's Odd ".  |  IP: Logged

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