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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-24-2003 11:13 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) WhiteRabbit
COYOTE V. ACME
In the United States District Court,Southwestern District, Tempe, ArizonaCase No. B19293
Judge Bartholomew Simpson, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff vs. Acme Company, Defendant:
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schiff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and
contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise.
Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of
business income and mental suffering caused by the gross
negligence of said company and its products.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased from the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"),
through that company's mail-order department, certain products
which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacturing or improper cautionary labeling.Mr. Coyote is self-employed and (the) injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received from
Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of
Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of
his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it
from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the
distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the
handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and
precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a
length of fifty feet.
Subsequently,the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt,causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path,the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system.
Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled
brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.Multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage (were) suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision.
Hampered by his injuries,Mr. Coyote purchased from Defendant as
an aid to mobility,one pair of Acme Rocket Skates.
When he attempted to use this product he became involved in an
accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the
Rocket Sled. Encumbered by his heavy casts (from his previous
injuries), Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon
after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard
so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full
silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list he has
suffered mishaps with explosives purchased from Defendant: the
Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial
Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order
Explosives Catalogue).Indeed,it is safe to say that not once
has an explosive purchased from Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and
personal effort,Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and
spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X
painted on the desert floor.The trough was in such a way that a
spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll
easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by
the X.Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the
fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.The
premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the
following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to
dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers,producing kinking,
frazzing, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes,due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes:.As advertised by
Defendant,this product is simplicity itself:two wood-and-metal sandals,each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a device with a lanyard release. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further,Mr. Coyote affixedthem by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder.Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wooden-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard.
At this point,Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder.Instead,for reasons yet unknown,the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away
from Mr. Coyote.As the intended prey looked on unharmed,Mr.
Coyote hung suspended in air.Then the twin springs recoiled,
bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the
boulder.The force of this impact caused the springs to rebound,
whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and
collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile,had begun to bounce
down a hillside,the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity.
At each bounce,Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder. As
the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in the flattening of (his)
cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue,reduction of length
of legs and upper body,and compression of vertebrae from base of
tail to head.Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced
a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues which caused Mr. Coyote to emit an off-key, accordion-like wheezing with every step.
As the court is no doubt aware,Defendant has a virtual monopoly
on manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work.
Such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source ofsupply to which to turn.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court assess punitive
damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-24-2003 09:40 PM
Rated G Michele
Interesting things to know:
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up
and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2."
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be
seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).
9. On average,12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents
daily! (That explains a few mysteries...)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce,the Oscars given out during World
War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves
per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange,
purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was
never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World
War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film
down so you could see his moves.That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record
player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a
woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into
space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 11-28-2003 01:08 PM
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving
down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.
The passenger, Bubba,said "Lookey thar up ahead,
Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're
gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off
the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw
the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the
empties out of sight & put labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys, ya all been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the
labels... "Me and Bubba's on the patch."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-30-2003 10:37 AM
Rated G Michele
British Government figures show that the number of injuries to do-it-yourself handymen have risen 27% between the years from 1995to 1998, to a staggering 195,000 bent and bruised Mr.Goodwrenches. Worse still, last year over 70 English Mr.Fixits were killed while puttering about the potting shed.
These horrific numbers can probably be traced back to the
incomprehensible instructions that come with most home
construction projects, the classic example being what it takes to
assemble a backyard barbeque:
STEP 1:
Borrow tools from next door neighbour. (preferably when
he's not there, so you don't have to return them)
STEP 2:
Open up the box, pull out the Styrofoam packing along with
an assortment of cardboard filler and throw them in the garbage.
STEP 3:
Scramble through the garbage, trying to find the assembly
instructions that were attached to the cardboard.
STEP 4:
After briefly scanning the instructions for less than a
nanosecond,throw them aside and start putting the big, fun parts together.
STEP 5:
Disassemble everything you've put together so far, as you
were supposed to insert the gas burner first.
STEP 6:
You have assembled the barbeque, but there are three
double-hex flat nosed grommets left over. Search frantically for
a place to put them. Throw them away.
STEP 7:
Turn on gas to look for leaks and you hear a hissing
sound. Strike a match to see if you can see leak.
STEP 8:
You don't remember much of step 8.
STEP 9:
Stay in the house for two weeks, until your hair starts to
grow back.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-01-2003 12:45 PM
Rated G Lorraine
Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table.Toward their end of their meal,one of them got up and produced a camera.
"Hey,wait a minute,"one of her companions said."You have to be in the picture too."
When I approached and asked if I could help,the girl who owned the camera was delighted.I snapped a picture of the group and then,being unfamiliar with the camera,I asked her,"Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"
"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always
get double prints."
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