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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 07:34 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A company in California is marketing "camouflage toilet paper" for use in the woods and plans to run testimonials from hunters who claim they have beenshot at while using ordinary toilet paper (by hunters who mistook them for white-tailed deer).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 07:51 AM                        Rated G Alex As a concierge at a posh resort,I am often asked about the ski facilities. One day,a couple who had just checked in after a longflight came by,and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block,and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted,until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 10:40 AM                        Rated G Michele People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anybody who rested to death?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 10:51 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee THAT'S MY GIRL I asked my daughter if she understood the meaning of the word "obey." She said, "Yeah, it's a place to go shopping on the Internet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 12:09 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale," just keep on driving.They usually only have one yard for sale, and even then, it's covered with a bunch of junk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-22-2003 09:17 PM                        Rated G ICANN Adds Domain Name Suffix for Criminals JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA (AheadOfNews.com) - The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN), which governs Internet addresses, has adopted an address suffix for web-based crooks and criminals. At a meeting Thursday in Johannesburg, the ICANN board of directors added a .con (dot-con) suffix to the list of existing general purpose suffixes such as .edu, .gov, .net, and .org. Board members created the .con designation for people who use the Internet to lie, cheat, and steal. For example, John Doe, an identity thief, will now be able to register as a .con and set up a web site, http:/www.JohnDoe.identity.thief.con. ICANN cautioned people not to confuse the .con suffix with the existing .com suffix for commercial sites. "If you want to buy a shirt on-line, try a .com site," an ICANN representative said. "If you want to lose your shirt, click a .con."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-25-2003 04:21 PM                        Rated G Situations that Hallmark doesn't cover: 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you.... (inside card) - I changed my mind. 2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ..... (inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) - That you're not here .. To ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry ..... (inside card) - Someone other than you. 6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) - Almost life-like! 7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time ..To keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) - What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) - It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. . . (inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) - I'd miss you terribly.... And think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep. 13. Happy Birthday, Uncle-Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia). 14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) - What was I thinking? 15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband. 16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) - Have such an ugly baby?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-26-2003 08:08 AM                        Rated G Critics Call Nanocomputer 'Too Small' CAMBRIDGE, MA (AheadOfNews.com) - Celebration over what has been heralded “a stunning breakthrough” came to an abrupt halt this week when Massachusetts Institute of Technology professors received sharp criticism from the business sector that their newest invention, the Nanocomputer, was simply too small. The micro-microcomputer, which weighs a startling 0.000000013 mg and consumes a single watt of electricity over a period of 4 years, was revealed at a press conference last Tuesday by the head of MIT’s nanotechnology department, Eugene Frumple. Though the tiny 400 Mhz computer was called “a truly remarkable feat of engineering” and “the most significant technological achievement in history,” not everyone appears to be thrilled with the discovery. “Simply put, it’s just too small,” says Robert Bleak, Product Analyst and Chief Marketing Executive for DULL computers. “I mean, it’s really hard on the eyes. From a sales standpoint, that’s suicide. Even if I could play Quake on it, where would I put the CD? How would I hook up my joystick? It just doesn’t make sense.” Bleak was not alone in denouncing the new technology. Marketing experts across the country echo his sentiments, one going so far as to say, “What if you misplace one? How will you find it again? I think the reason it’s so small is because they couldn’t make it any bigger.” A spokesperson for the research team admitted that the Nanocomputer prototype could be made much larger without too much trouble but argued that the team considered this to be a pretty stupid idea. “It’s a Nanocomputer! It’s supposed to be small!”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 06:16 AM                        Rated G In The News................... Did you hear about the 55 whales who beached themselves on the shore of the Florida Keys? Officials have since acknowledged only 54 actually washed ashore, apologizing to Senator Ted Kennedy who was sunbathing at the time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 07:45 AM                        Rated G Temporary Bachelor After our old friend Phil had been a temporary bachelor for a few weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly. "Well I do eat a lot of dog food." Phil told her. "Dog food" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would eat anything like that!" "well, come in the kitchen amd I'll show you." Phil replied. Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from some of the best restaurants in town.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 08:25 AM                        Rated G Feds Arrest Pointless, Linked to Bore HOLLYWOOD, CA (AheadOfNews.com) - Federal officials in Los Angeles have arrested an Arizona writer with ties to Hugo Bore, producer of what the Justice Department calls "dangerously bad movies." Holly Pointless was arrested Monday by members of the California Joint Terrorism Task Force. She is being held without bond at the Cucamonga Detention Facility on charges of "life-threatening verbosity." Officials hope she will shed light on how Bore became an anti-audience extremist. Bore is accused of producing movies that "bomb" in theaters nationwide. Examples include Asleep in Seattle, Shallow Impact, Borro, Diplomacy Club, and There's Nothing About Mary. He is being held by the Justice Department in a Navy brig in San Diego. Officials fear that Bore may have already distributed films with "bungled sex scenes" that could be used as "dirty bombs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 08:36 AM                        Rated PG Michele Three kids were smoking behind the shed. "My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first. "Ha, mine can blow smoke through this ears!" counted the second boy. "That's nothing," piped up the third."My dad can blow smoke through his ass.I know, 'cos I've seen the nicotine stains on his undies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A Hispanic housekeeper approaches her Yuppie housewife-boss one dayand says," I'm in family way. I quit." Confused the housewife asks her to repeat herself. "I'm in family way. I quit." The housewife asks, "Who is responsible for this?" "Your husband and your son." "My husband AND my son? How can that be?" "Simple.I go to your husband's office to clean.He say, 'You're in my way, move.' So,I go to son's bedroom.He say, 'You are in the way,move please.' "Like I said.I'm in family way.I quit."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 06:08 AM                        Rated G Berserk Machine Threatens Breath Mint Company ATLANTA (AheadOfNews.com) - Officials at Coverall Breath Mints apologized today for recent mistakes by its advertising mantra machine. The machine,brain child of inventor Polly Parrot,creates simple-minded mantras for advertisements,term papers,and political speeches.The idea behind the machine is that people tend to believe anything they hear repeated at least 150 times. "We can make most people believe that the moon is made of green cheese or that pigs have wings," Parrot boasted in a recent interview. Unfortunately for Coverall,the mantra machine has arbitrarily begun substituting hairy armadillo in place of ideal lover in television and radio ads. "Stop bad breath with Coverall Breath Mints,and turn yourself into a hairy armadillo," said one ad on prime time TV. Parrot is working hard to fix the problem.However,in Coverall ads today the machine was saying "cud of Gorgonzola" instead of "spearmint leaf."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 12:40 PM                        Rated G Michele This is a real LETTER TO THE EDITOR from a recent issue of the NEW SCIENTIST magazine: "NEW SCIENTIST readers are concerned about their email boxes being bombarded with spam,and the need for more and better filters.However,they seem to have overlooked the benefits to be gained from all these spam messages. For instance,I have been accepting all offers made to me by email since the beginning ofthis year,and my penis is now 43 meters long."  |  IP: Logged

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