Topic Closed

my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Two (Page 43)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  40  41  42  43  44  45  46  ...  99  100  101

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 09:53 AM                        Rated G Michele "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." - Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 09:55 AM                        Rated G Michele "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.May God bless you.You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 01:44 PM                        Rated G Al & Hank's Franks Drive-in Buy one hot dog for the price of two and receive a second hot dog absolutely free  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 01:47 PM                        Rated PG blue_meanie Q: What do you call a governess who farts? A: Hootenanny!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:00 PM                        Rated G Lorraine At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. --Ann Landers  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:03 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness. So,I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing lights. The first morning I wore my new gear,the bus zoomed past but then stopped. I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded,asked the driver, "Didn't you see me?" "I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:11 PM                        Rated G Alex Actual statements from High School test papers A student in a science class wrote,"The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism).At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted,"Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory." All animals were here before mankind.The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels,and condoms. Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France. Men are mammals and women are femammals. Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones. Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.Oxygin is pure gin.Hydrogin is gin and water. When you breath,you inspire. When you do not breath,you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines,eight cuspids,two molars and eight cuspidors. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:33 PM                        Rated R Michele Q: What's the difference between snow peas and chick peas? A:A guy can write his name with snow peas but a chick peas sitting down.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 08:03 AM                        Rated G A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk,"I suppose you will want some identification." He replied,without hesitation,"No ma'am, that won't be necessary." "How come?" asked the woman. "Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 08:04 AM                        Rated G Alex Jones jumped up from the card table white with rage. "Stop this game," he shouted, "Smith is cheating!" "How do you know?" "He's not playing the hand I dealt him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 09:26 AM                        Rated G Nan in Warwick RI Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true. There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I am a nutritional overachiever. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 12:12 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues TRUISMS A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog or rub a cat and you'll find a permanent job. There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. ... It could be a right number. Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. Learn from the mistakes of others.You won't live long enough to make them all yourself. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any. I've reached the age where I don't take YES for an answer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 03:28 PM                        Rated G When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, only that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer. --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 03:43 PM                        Rated G El Nino is being blamed for an increase in spiders. There are so many, in fact, it's been difficult for many spiders to find a Web site.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 10:04 AM                        Rated G Becky Sometimes kids say some funny things... ****** Paige, 7, has acquired several pets, mostly stray kittens that people have dropped off in the country.Unfortunately two met untimely passings. Paige wanted to know where cats and dogs go when they die.Her grandmother told her a story about "Rainbow Heaven" for pets and that satisfied Paige. Then her puppy, Alfalfa, got run over.That evening they were having a funeral for him and Paige asked everyone to say a prayer.When it was Paige's turn she got shy and said, "I don't know what to say".Her mom told her to just say what she'd like for Jesus to have Alfalfa do to have fun in "Rainbow Heaven." Paige bowed her head and with all seriousness said, "Jesus, don't You let Alfalfa mess with my cats up there!" On that note the funeral ended.-- Patsy Campbell (grandmother of Paige) of Portland, Tennessee When Caitlin was 2 they lived in an apartment complex with a pool.Every evening when they got home Caitlin would start stripping her clothes off and yell,"Get you Baby Soup on Mommy and we go to the Pooh!" She wanted her mother to put on her bathing suit so that they could go to the pool! -- Christal Bricker (mother of Caitlin and Kyle) of Colorado Springs, Colorado While driving down a bumpy road, Baleigh, 6, said, "I don't know but I think whoever made this road should have spent a little more time on it!" -- Judy Napier (Baleigh's Nana) of Cleveland, Oklahoma  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  40  41  42  43  44  45  46  ...  99  100  101

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.