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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 10:07 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A baseball player is sitting on the bench along with the coach. Suddenly, the coach starts saying, "Germany, Italy, Spain, Britain." The guy looks at him and says, "Huh?" To which the coach replies ... "Eur-up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 11:54 AM                        Rated G Crawdad Still Cloudy CRAWDAD, LA (AheadOfNews.com) - Crawdad remains cloudy today despite official attempts to chase the gloom away. Yesterday dark clouds slid in from the southwest and stalled directly above town. "Go away, clouds," yelled Mayor Dan Hinkle from his office window. Jack Gator, weather forecaster for Radio Crawdad, noted that clouds often appear here in the spring. He said they would eventually move on. In other news, Sally Grinder reported seeing two deer on her way to work, and George Mustoe announced that his cousin might visit him in July  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 11:57 AM                        Rated G Rescuers Comb Forest for Missing Hiker ASPEN, CO (AheadOfNews.com) - Search and rescue teams fanned out across the Barber National Forest today looking for a tourist who failed to return from a day hike.Twenty two members of the Fine-Tooth Rescue Squad combed the woods for Harry Headley, Camden, N.J., after his wife, Heather, reported him missing Thursday evening. Team members staged at the end of Forest Service Road 7709, near Big Elk Canyon, and unsheathed their combs before entering the woods. All carried five-inch pocket combs, dresser combs, salon combs, seven-inch styling combs, and 17-tooth mohair sheep combs in felt pouches attached to their belts. Specialists among them also carried antistatic combs, detangling combs, and wooden flea combs, as well as eight-inch curl combs with molded thumb rests. "With all that, I'm sure they'll tease him out," Heather Headley said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 05:52 AM                        Rated PG Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 06:02 AM                        Rated G George in York This bloke is sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, its disgusting to watch." He says, "Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and he carries on ripping off the shells and throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the bloke can hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep." "It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. She gets up and pulls the emergency stop. He says, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that". She says "and you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 06:07 AM                        Rated G :0 A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen!Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this,he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 06:45 AM                        Rated R The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 12:28 PM                        Rated G Michele At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age."You must have some idea,"she urged when he hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile,"the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 12:30 PM                        Rated G : Lorraine Swint and Fess, two cowboys, were resting their horses out on the range. "What'd Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?" asked Swint. "Pair of cufflinks," said Fess. "But I ain't got no use for them. I can't even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 12:32 PM                        Rated G : Lorraine Four little boys, Bobby, Kenny, Johnny and Jimmy, were walking down a country road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Bobby, Kenny and Johnny boosted Jimmy so he could take a look. "Looks like one of them nudist camps," reported Jimmy. "Men or women?" asked Bobby. "Can't tell," said Jimmy. "They don't have no clothes on."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 07:39 AM                        Rated G "Tootsie" Admits Affair with Cleveland BOSTON (AheadOfNews.com) - A 136 year-old Boston woman today admitted she was the young intern reported recently to have had an affair with President Grover Cleveland. "We enjoyed amorous connections in a White House clothes closet all through 1886," said Ruth "Tootsie" Periwinkle in a statement to the New York Daily Scandal. She was 19 at the time. The affair came to light with the publication earlier this year of Dark Secrets of the Democrats by historian Orville Possum. The 2,700-page book includes long revealing chapters about all the Democratic presidents from Cleveland through Clinton. Possum, who describes himself as "politically neutral," has also published a companion volume called Dark Secrets of the Republicans. "It's mostly about money," he said. "There's hardly any sex."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 07:42 AM                        Rated G Jill went to a "Dude Ranch". The cowboy preparing the horses asked if Jill wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. When he told her one had a horn and one didn't, Jill replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 07:44 AM                        Rated G In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Becky A Little Birdie Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why,they say,"A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast,are never seen,and they are everywhere.Thus,these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network,and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds,much like a chicken.They are not dumb like chickens,however,and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.This person is then the one who is always in the know;one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is,"Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all,now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 04:44 PM                        Rated G Michele You're getting old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.  |  IP: Logged

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