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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 01:51 PM                        Rated G Michele Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido,the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend.That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 02:07 PM                        Rated G Michele The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 05:23 PM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ontario Home of the Butter Tarts......... The Truth Hurts . . . - I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! - When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk". -Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press: 'Ctrl Alt Delete' ...and start all over - Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. - My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. - Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. - Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? - If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour! - Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-22-2003 05:33 PM                        WISDOMM OF THE SOUTH..... Don't name a pig you plan to eat. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. Keep skunks, lawyers and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Meanness don't happen overnight. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful. Lawyers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat. Don't corner something meaner than you. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug. You can't unsay a cruel thing. Every path has some puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G The following excerpts are taken from the book, "What's the Number for 911?" by New York Times Best-selling author,Leland Gregory. Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name." Caller: "Could you send the police to my house?" Call-taker: "What's wrong there?" Caller: "I called and someone answered the phone,but I'm not there." Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road.I almost hit it." Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?" Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many,many cars.Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!" Caller: "Am I talking to a real person,or this a recording?" Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here(cough)." Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital,or does the ambulance have to do it?" Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why." Caller (realizing the police are on the way):"Get the keg outta here, dude!" Caller: "He's not breathing!" Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him? Caller:"WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?" Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?" Caller: "Well,she has real long finger nails." Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him." Caller: "He's a lawyer." Caller: "No, she just didn't fall...I helped her!" Complaint about a stolen mailbox: Call-taker: "What is your address?" Caller: "It's gone." Nurse: "This is Room 314D - that's 'D' as in dead." Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off.... this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated G Archie Q: What is the difference between frustration and panic? A: Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated G Michele Did you know that 66 percent of Americans can't do basic math? That's almost half!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G Michele Definitions Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. Rumor: News that travels at the speed of sound. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her masters. Father: A banker provided by nature. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Optimist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:03 PM                        Rated G Michele Recently,the Southern Hemisphere was treated to a total lunar eclipse.During this event,one individual standing in my street suggested that we photograph it.Someone explained that the moon would be difficult to photograph because it was completely darkened by the shadow of Earth. Her response was, "What about if I use the flash?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:12 PM                        Rated R Michele Scientists have just proven that the DNA found in cows and dung beetles is exactly the same as that found in the human female ........ which explains the big tits and constant looking for shit!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:14 PM                        Rated G Judy Down South Carolina Way You Know You Have Bad Hair When... ...birds return to your hair every year to nest. ...people ask you what it's like to get electrocuted. ...people stop you on the street and ask if you do children's birthday parties. ...children point at your head and say..."What's your kitty's name?" ...you're asked to remove your hat in a restaurant even though you're not wearing one. ...you get barber shop gift certificates for birthdays and Christmas. ...dogs growl at your head. ...a parent points to your head and says to their kid, "That's what will happen to you if you don't eat all your vegetables". ...your barber asks you, "Should I cut that one on the top?" ...you get job offers from Ringling Bros Circus. ...you accidentally get pruned while standing near a hedge.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:19 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:50 PM                        Rated G Michele Scientists have just proven that the DNA found in donkeys and bats is exactly the same as that found in the human male........ which explains the constant stubbornness and lack of vision!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:58 PM                        Rated PG The Lord of the manor had a butler named Wibble. One day he called Wibble and said, "What about running my bath, Wibble?" "Certainly, Sir," replied Wibble. "Will there be anything else my lord?" "Yes, Wibble, what about my dressing gown." "Certainly, Sir. Will there be anything else my Lord?" "Yes, Wibble, what about my carpet slippers." "Certainly, Sir, will there be anything else my Lord?" "No, Wibble. If I require anything else I shall call you." With that, the old Lord lowered himself into the water and let go a long,loud fart. Five minutes later,Wibble returned with a hot water bottle on a silver tray. "Here you are, my Lord, your hot water bottle." "I never asked for that," said his Lordship. Wibble replied,"But you did, my Lord.As you lowered yourself into the bath, I distinctly heard you say, 'Whadabowdawadderboddlewibble.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:57 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that exes are like fungus; they keep coming back. I've learned that age is a very high price to pay for maturity I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.  |  IP: Logged

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