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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 02:54 PM                        Rated G The coed cutie returned to the sorority house after her first breakfast date at a neighboring fraternity with her steady boyfriend. Asked what she had, she replied dreamily, "Him and eggs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 03:18 PM                        Rated G Michele Social DIS-Graces, Etiquette For The Socially Impaired Park your grocery cart right in the middle of the aisle, so that no one else can pass you. Don't worry that others can't get by, most people just love spending more time in the supermarket than they thought they would have to.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 03:20 PM                        Rated G Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia? It's: http://www.dailysex.com  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 03:43 PM                        Rated G Nine Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass! 5. When people say while watching a film "did yo u see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the ?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated G My brother-inlaw was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say "beep". He discovered the reason for the joke when he deceided to listen to his greeting. "Hi,it said, "I'm not in roght now, so please leave a beep after the message."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 08:17 PM                        Rated G New drink in town. Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by PEPSI COLA as a power beverage suitable or use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". PEPSI will market the new concoction under the name of: "MOUNT & DO  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:56 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A girl visited a farm one day and wanted to buy a large watermelon. "That will be three dollars," said the farmer. "I've only got 30 cents," said the young girl. The farmer pointed to a very small watermelon in the field and said, "How about that one?" "Okay, I'll take it," said the girl, "but leave it on the vine. I'll be back for it in a month.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:59 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I didn't have potatoes, so I substituted rice. I didn't have paprika, so I used another spice. I didn't have tomato sauce, I used tomato paste; A whole can, not a half can - I don't believe in waste. A friend gave me the recipe; she said you couldn't beat it. There must be something wrong with her, I couldn't even eat it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 09:16 AM                        Rated G Michele Top Complaints of the Modern Day Vampire: Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time Thanks to all those Marilyn Manson fans, we just aren't taken seriously anymore. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits. No warm blood for miles around Washington, D.C. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies." Baboon hearts make everything taste gamey. And the number 1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires: No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:42 PM                        Rated G Michele Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:50 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do," retorted Holmes. "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 02:08 PM                        Rated G Michele Pickup Lines 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 3. Nice legs...what time do they open? 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight. 9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug,so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. 12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 15. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 16. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 18. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 19. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 20. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 21. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 22. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 23. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me. 24. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 09:17 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-04-2003 06:24 PM                        If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." These are great! 1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3. Half the people you know are below average. 4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8. If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain. 9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 12. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-07-2003 02:34 PM                        Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. The answer is at the bottom of the page for those who cannot think this one through!! At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Don't look down!  |  IP: Logged

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