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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-10-2003 02:02 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Dog Defends Tavern Against Train Attacks
HAVRE, MT (AheadOfNews.com) - In this part of northern Montana, along the tracks of the Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railway, Dooley is a hero and possibly a legend. His job? Chasing trains.
The 7-year-old Anatolian Shepherd works for The Rail Stop, a trackside saloon owned by Maxwell Grit. A few years ago, Grit acquired Dooley from a rancher in return for a case of Hamm's and two bags of Doritos.
Anatolian Shepherds are large dogs with loud, aggressive barks. They stand their ground between their herd and any potential danger, but they do not run or chase.
Dooley's former job was to protect sheep and cattle from marauding predators by "barking his head off," Grit said. "When he saw his first train, his bark was so loud it cracked the foundation of the Big Suds Laundromat and knocked the steeple off the Methodist Church."
Adopting Grit and his customers as his new herd, Dooley waits for BNSF trains night and day and "barks them out of town," Grit said.
Some of the locals even claim to believe that without Dooley the trains would stop in Havre and stay forever.
"I seen it with my own eyes many a time," said Clint Blackstone, a local resident. "First that big dog barks and barks, and then the train goes away." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-10-2003 02:16 PM
Rated G Baby Blues
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.When he reached the top,his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then,twisting his thorax with insectival precision,he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner,he traveled across the lawn,covering as much
distance vertically as he did horizontally,which amused and
delighted me.And then, all at once,I had what is sometimes
called an "epiphany";a moment of heightened awareness in which
everything becomes clear.
Yes,hunched over that ant on my hands and knees,I suddenly knew what I had to do...
Quit drinking before noon.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-11-2003 07:49 PM
Rated G
Small Boys Fail to Jump Start Family Car
CORNING, NY (AheadOfNews.com) - A Corning mother used her three young sons to "jump start" her car Tuesday after one of them turned on the car headlights and ran the battery down.
Patience McClintock, 37, ordered her children to jump up and down on the hood of her Ford Focus when it refused to start during a shopping trip. Bystanders, assuming that the boys were attacking the car, hailed a nearby patrolman.
McClintock told witnesses at the scene that her husband, Boris, had told her how to start the car if its battery died.
"He said a lot of stuff about negative terminals and alternators and cable clamps that I don't remember," she said. "He said that if nothing else worked, I should jump up and down on the hood and yell. I guess he was kidding."
Patrolman Kevin Armbruster used his cell phone to call Boris McClintock, who soon rescued his wife and sons Bevel, 6, Arkie, 5, and Rudy, 4, by jump-starting the car using conventional methods.
"The car had a few dents," Armbruster said. "It was probably hurt less than the family pride."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-12-2003 07:18 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
During the party,Becky was introduced to Dr. Selnick.
"Oh doctor", says Becky, sidling up to him, "I'm so glad to meet you.You see I have this problem.Every time I raise my arm above my head,I get a pain in my right side."
"I'm sorry",says Dr. Selnick,"I'm afraid I can't help you.I happen to be a doctor of Economics."
"Well, in that case",says Becky,"tell me,should I sell my IBM shares now?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-12-2003 01:20 PM
Rated G
Underwear Company Turns Over New Figleaves
NEW YORK (AheadOfNews.com) - Buttercups, one of the world's largest makers of contoured clothing pouches, announced a complete overhaul this week of several kinds of underwear.
The company is best known for a line of bras including the Plain Jane, the Big Mama, the Moral Uplift, and the Prairie View, introduced in the 1950s. Stung by criticism that its bras were old-fashioned, the company "has thrust forward into the 21st century," according to I. C. Cleavage, Buttercup representative.
New Buttercup bras include Hills and Dale, Lilies of the West, O Pair, These Will Go Bump in the Night, Swiss Alps, Fountains of Youth, Twin Peaks, Hot and Cold, Grand Tetons, and Precious Hooter Halter.
"My personal favorite, Bottoms Up, is a full cup underwire bra with side slings, a non-stretch center gore, and adjustable straps," Cleavage said.
Buttercup also announced an upgrade to its line of codpieces for men. Codpieces, Cleavage explained, have adorned aspects of male anatomy since the Middle Ages, most recently as athletic supporters or body thongs. The latest thongs, with optional padding and underwire support, include the Wand Wicket, the Airplane Hangar, the Pole Pocket, the Glove, the Bird's Nest, the Wiener Bun, the Safe Harbor, and the Poker Packer.
"As with our bras, our codpieces come in many sizes," Cleavage said. "We fit all sorts, from AA through Double J."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-13-2003 01:09 PM
Rated G
Animals Sing, Hum, Buzz, and Hoot at Annual Festival
LEWISTOWN, PA (AheadOfNews.com) - Thousands of music lovers converged here over the weekend for the 9th Annual Animal Music Festival. The celebration, more peaceful than similar events of recent years, included performances by 27 animal groups from 11 countries. Critics seemed pleased.
Judging by ticket sales, the most popular artists/performances were as follows:
The Gee Bees, Australia/U.K., "Saved by the Bellflower"
The Wolf Gang, Alaska, Mooseart's Symphony #38 ("Denali")
Country Fish and the Joe, California, "I Feel Like I'm Fixing to Fry"
The Dixie Chickens, Texas, "Let 'Er Cluck"
The Dung Beetles, England, "Savoy Truffle Revisited"
Modest Muskoxsky, Russia/Greenland, "Night on Bad Tundra"
The Humming Byrds, California, "It's All Over Now, Baby Bluebyrd"
Additional entertainments on the Main Stage at Juniata River Park included percussion by pileated woodpecker, string rhapsody for cicada, sonata for solo mosquito, improvisation for duck, and horn piece for rhino accompanied by brass monkey.
Festival chairwoman Gladys Bucket reported that past scheduling conflicts between the beaver triangle ensemble and the antelope horn trio did not recur and that the Real Monkees behaved themselves. All went well, she said, except for a slight problem with the elephants.
"They like to 'trunkate'," she said, "and they played only two thirds of Beethoven's Fifth."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-14-2003 06:48 AM
Rated G Lainey
GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE (TM)
Graduate School Barbie comes in two styles!
Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm).
Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled feature
guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:
-- Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichevercomes first).
-- Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes!
-- Two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans with 5-year-old gap T-shirt,and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go
Screw Yourself"T-shirt!
-- Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left
hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases as: "Yes,
Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow" "I'd love to write it all
over again" "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a yearby now if I had just started working with a
Bachelor's degree. But noooooo,Mom and Dad wanted a masters
degree" and "I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so
that I'd have anexcuse to stop working on this degree that's
sucking every last drop of lifeforce out of my withered and
degraded excuse for a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold
separately)
-- Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct! Experience the
excitingchanges that come with pursuing a higher education!
Removable panels on Barbie'shead and torso allow you to watch as
her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown,her heart race at 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining graduallydissolve into nothing! Deluxe Grad School Barbie: comes with specially designed eye ducts. Justadd water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears! Fun for the wholefamily!
Other accessories include:
-- Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm): Well stocked with
microwavepopcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat
free!),and small bottleof Mattel Brand Rum (tm).
-- Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet:Comes in Fabulous Pink
andcontains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and yourchoice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not availablewithout a prescription). -- Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation: Comes with miniature obsoletePC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dewcans to decorate your workstation (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price,tech support sold separately.Miniature cigarette butts and Oreo packages also available) And Grad School Barbie is not alone!
Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!
GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN:
Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education anddecreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pensand a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliversuch wisdom as:"I need an update on your progress" "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate this spring" and "This is no where near ready for publication."
REAL JOB SKIPPER:
When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on hergood friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after getting her bachelor'sdegree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say: "Sometimes I wishI went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I had to work a halfan hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe, Savings Account,and New Car sold separately. (WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too closeto each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.)
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