Topic Closed

my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Two (Page 34)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  31  32  33  34  35  36  37  ...  99  100  101

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 09:23 AM                        Rated G Useless fact - Why does mountain climbing sometimes cause nose bleeding? A variety of factors conspire to make mountains a bane to nasal cavities. Everyone knows that high-altitude air is extremely dry (thin, cold, low-pressure air holds less moisture), but the subtleties of the schno/z are more complicated: "The skin inside your nose isn't like the skin on your arms and legs," says Dr. Murray Grossan, a Los Angeles ear, nose, and throat specialist. "It's paper-thin and loaded with blood vessels." A few hours in the mountains, and the dry, oxygen-lean air will transform your nasal tissue into a chapped and bleeding mess. Humidifiers and saline spray can help, but if the problem lingers, consider consulting your doctor. Says Dr. Grossan: "A person who bleeds repeatedly and profusely at higher altitudes may be suffering from something more serious, like a deviated septum—or a cocaine problem." ~source used: "Why Moths Hate Thomas Edison" by Hampton Sides~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 10:41 AM                        Rated G Here & There by Baby Blues Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. Women do come with instructions...ask them. There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams "Bad habits are like a comfortable bed,easy to get into, but hard to get out of." The older I get the better I used to be. A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks. Some church members are like blisters,they turn up after the work is done.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 11:48 AM                        Rated G Carl in Rochester Seen on the back of a van in Rochester: CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING On the side of the van (after I passed it to check out the driver) - ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 12:11 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Frank believed that five was his special number.He was born on May 5th,had five children and lived at 555 East 55th Street. At the track on his 55th birthday,he was surprised to find a horse named Numero Cinco running in the fifth race.So five minutes before the race,he went to the fifth window and put down five thousand on Numero Cinco. Sure enough,the horse finished fifth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 08:48 AM                        Rated G The Red Dragon Has Landed BEIJING (AheadOfNews.com) - Earthlings took another giant step today when a team of Chinese yuhangyuans (astronauts), landed safely on Mars. Traveling about 100 million kilometers in a Shenzhou-25 (Magic Vessel 25) from a launch site in central Inner Mongolia, the woman and two men touched down softly in Gusev Crater, 15 degrees south of the planet's equator. Su Yongzhi, Zhong Po, and Miao Qiyue sent home joyous messages that took more than three minutes to reach Earth across the vastness of space. They expressed satisfaction with all aspects of the performance of the SZ-25 and of "everyone involved," according to the Xinhua news agency. At a press briefing, Gao Zemin of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs said that while the Chinese space program was based on "a self-reliant spirit," China would consider increased collaboration with other countries such as Russia and the U.S. that had "fallen behind" in recent years. Meanwhile, the three yuhangyuans will plant the Chinese flag during a Mars walk scheduled for early Wednesday. "They don't call it the Red Planet for nothing," Miao said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 09:08 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A JIGSAW PUZZLE Don't force a fit.If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally. When things aren't going so well, take a break.Everything will look different when you return. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit,piece by piece. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see above). The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising. Take time to celebrate your successes (even little ones). Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 09:23 AM                        Rated G Thought's The view never changes if you're not the lead dog. It's not the fall that hurts,it's the stop at the end. Mediocrity:It takes less time to do it, and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.Example:Leaning Tower of Piza Motivation:If A Pretty Poster And A Cute Saying Are All It Takes To Motivate You,You Probably Have A Very Easy Job.The Kind Robots Will Be Doing Soon. Meetings:None of us is as dumb as all of us. Apathy:If we don't take care of the customer,maybe they'll stop bugging us. Consulting:If you're not part of the solution,there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem. Indifference:It Takes 43 muscles to Frown and 17 to Smile,But It Doesn't Take Any To Just Sit There With A Dumb Look On Your Face. Cluelessness:There Are No Stupid Questions,But There Are A Lot Of Inquisitive Idiots. Despair:It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black. Mistakes:It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others. Incompetence:When You Earnestly Believe You Can Compensate For A Lack Of Skill By Doubling Your Efforts,There's No End To What You Can't Do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 09:25 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Old Indian,standing on the corner.Good-lookin' woman passes by, on the way to work.The Indian raises his hand in greeting,and says,"Chance!" The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past,The Indian raises his hand, and says,"Chance!" Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods. She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting." Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 01:30 PM                        Rated G Diet for Stress Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon Snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars Late Evening Snack: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) Rules for This Diet If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don''t count if you do not eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. If you fatten up everyone else around you,then you look thinner. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one''s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls. Cookie pieces contain no calories. (The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.) Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. Anything consumed from someone else''s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.(We ALL know how calories like to cling!) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G Andy Rooney's tips Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers: Three Little Words That Work !! (1)The three little words are: "Hold on, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting. (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically. (3) Another Good Idea: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ! If enough people follow these tips, it will work---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2003 02:10 PM                        [b]Rated G Street Gangs to Substitute Shouting for Shooting DENVER, CO (AheadOfNews.com) - Street gangs from all over the U.S. turned more peaceful Tuesday after reaching agreement on new rules for drive-by shootings. Leaders from several of the nation's most powerful gangs adopted the changes during the final day of the American Street Gang Convention, held here this week. Under the revised terms, gang members will substitute shoutings for shootings when they drive past the gathering places of rivals. Clever taunts will be more highly regarded than "simple swearing or worn-out insults," according to a street gang instruction manual called Drive-By Shoutings. The manual includes several examples of "fresh" insults such as "debauched waster," "artificial courtesan," and "candy soldier" that gang members can try "until they get the hang of it." Gang members attending the conference generally seemed pleased with the idea of taunting instead of shooting each other. "I can't wait to recite a Norse poem of dishonor in front of my rival's house," said gang leader Tony Martinez of the El Paso Scorpions. "I'm especially eager to try out my Shakespearean insults," said Gregory Smith-Jones, 19, of the Fremont Tarantulas. "Thou errant hedge-born gudgeon. Thou varlet. Thou lumpish rump-fed measle."  |  IP: Logged Phil Hill I love my cootie bug Posts: 7595 From: Hollywood, CA USA Registered: Mar 2000 posted 05-03-2003 03:19 PM                  (From Bob Maartooni) A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT! They were together in the House. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that more than anything. Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed... He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment, when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong...Their families would never understand... So consumed in their passion that they did not hear the opening of the door... just the click of a... Camera! . . . . .  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated G A friend of mine was visiting a college,which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you,for instance,you could hit the button and have a security officer investigate immediately. On one of these phones hung a sign that said,"Out of Order." Underneath it someone had scrawled,"Keep Running."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2003 04:00 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine Three prisoners are scheduled to be executed.The warden asks them what they want for their last meal. "Pepperoni pizza," the first responds.The warden serves him his pizza, then leads him to his execution. The second fellow requests filet mignon.The warden serves it to him and escorts him to his execution. The third man says,"I'd like a plate of strawberries." "I'm sorry," says the warden,"but strawberries are out of season." "Ah," says the prisoner. "I'll wait."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 03:20 PM                        Rated G Citizen Group Aims to Extinguish Fire WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - The Bad Thoughts Watchdog, a citizen group with strong ties to the Justice Department, issued a "red alert" Tuesday about the word "fire." "We assert that a cause-and-effect relationship exists between the idea of fire and the crime of arson," said Antoine Out, the Bad Thoughts secretary. "We seek to douse all public mention of fire." Bad Thoughts has urged publishers to refuse manuscripts that mention fire. Some publishers have hastened to "pre-comply." "That totally unacceptable word, which I will not name, is no longer in our dictionary," said Fillmore Sidegate, president of New Way Dictionaries. "Fire is just an 'F' word, and the Constitution requires no one to use it," Out said. "Authors should black it out of their works-in-progress or substitute the word "smoke." Bad Thoughts specifically suggests the following constructions for writers: smoketruck, smokefly, smoke engine, smoke storm, smoke-eater, smoke sale, smoke irons, smokeplug, smokewood, and smokewater. "We believe these changes will keep potential smokebugs ignorant of flame and will reduce the nation's arson rate by more than half," Out said.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  31  32  33  34  35  36  37  ...  99  100  101

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.