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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 05:48 AM                        Rated G Giant Tarantula Bites Trail Blazers PORTLAND, OR (AheadOfNews.com) - Babatunde "Baba" Adeboyeku had another big night Tuesday,scoring 242 points for Tucson as the Tarantulas crushed Portland for the third time this year. Adeboyeku scored all of his points on dunks and free throws. At 10'2" and 450 pounds,he was too much for any of Portland's centers. "He is unstoppable," said Arvydas Sabonis, who at 7'3" looks like a short guy.Even Yao Ming at 7'5" and Gheorghe Muresan at 7'7" look small next to Baba. The rookie center scored 72 points in the first quarter as the undefeated Tarantulas pulled away.Baba dominated on defense, swatting most of the Blazers'shots into the upper reaches of the Rose Garden sports arena.The final score was 242-37. "Baba has huge hands,huge feet,and an extremely long reach,as well as mind-boggling tallness,"said Moses "Tiny" Sutton,the Tarantula point guard. As usual,Baba was able to stand just outside the lane,receive passes,and drop the ball through the hoop without moving his feet.This has allowed Tucson (48-0) to run the same play over and over, night after night, with complete success. In addition,Baba's long reach allows him to "shoot" free throws by leaning forward,stretching,and dropping the ball through the basket.He has never missed. "Dunk, swat, dunk, swat, dunk, swat,"said Lincoln Lefkowitz,the Tarantula coach."That's the plan.Shaq and Yao and Arvydas can't stop him.There's nothing they can do." Scottie Pippen, the Blazers' veteran guard, agreed. "This is really boring," he said. "Next year I think I'll play hockey."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:00 AM                        Rated G BUD'S E-Z GUIDE TO ASTEROFIZZICS Are you in a ded-end job? Are you boared by rootine? Kin yoo finnish this sintince?: Twinkel, twinkel, liddle . If you ansered "yup" to any of dese questshins,than you are a prime candid date to bee an asterofizzicists.You has what it takes. Put to gether by Profess Her Bud Hawkin's,Bud's guide has heylped billeons of peoples to becum collidge-level astereofisicysts. You kin be as dum as a ox and still come out good. What eggzactly is astrofizzicks? Asterophissics is the studdie of Asteros,as in the Jetsuns,or the famus Houston baysball teem. It deels wit all of the laws of moshun conserning theese obejects.Fur ezampel,does Astro's drool go up or down his chin? Fur anuther ezampel,does a ball thrown by the Astro's picture go frontways or backways? If you wuz a astereofisticest you wood right a way no that Astro's drool allways goze down his chin, and that a ball therown by a Astro's picher kin go eether frontways or sideways dapendin on whither its a round ball or a square won. Yes, moderin teknologie has allowed the gifted few to no theese things! What is the reel benafitz of a carear in azztrophistics? The pay, o' coarse!A proffeshunul asterofisacyzt can make upwards of $3.60 a hour.And the girlz! Golly, wheel they be sweet on you! (See Bud's E-Z Guide to Luv for more on this.) Best of all, you will have job seecuritee, and the pride of nowin that you arr the best at whut you doo. Pluss you git to take lunch breaks everee ten minites--yoor wildest dreems come tru! Astereofixism is quiklee becumming the wurld's biggist carreer feeled. Statitstaticians predikt that by the year 2005, evereebodee will be a astrofissicist.You may wunder why you shuld bye Bud's E-Z Guide to Astrofizzicks if evereebody is goin ta be a astrofizzicist anyways. Don't be an fool! The astereofizsicests who lerned it Bud's way will the the best and hihest paying asterieophyisicisysts there is.you wheel make well a bove miminum wage,while the other astrofizzistes are onlee making $3.50 a hour. So do'nt delay! Hurry on down the the bookstoar and bye yerself a big ole copie of Bud's E-Z Guide to Asterofizzicks!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:14 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF A GARDENER'S SPOUSE: She dug the plot on Monday,the soil was rich and fine But she forgot to put the dinner on,so out we went to dine. She planted roses Tuesday,she says they are a must. They really were quite lovely,but she forgot to dust. On Wednesday it was daisies they opened with the sun, All pinks and whites and yellows,but the laundry wasn't done. The poppies came on Thursday all bright and cherry red, I guess she really was engrossed,she never made the bed. It was violets here on Friday in colours she adores, It never bothered her at all,the dirt upon our floors. Saturday I hired a maid,I'd not admit defeat, She can garden all she wants now and the house will still be neat. It's nearly lunchtime Sunday.I cannot find the maid, Oh I don't believe it.She's out there alongside my wife with her own spade.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:23 AM                        Rated G Louise A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons.The instructions left in his will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half,the second oldest one-third,and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons,recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions,began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument,hitched up his mule and rode out to settle the matter.He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half,or nine,the second oldest got one-third,or six,and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6, and 2 equals 17. The uncle,having settled the argument,hitched up his mule and rode home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:30 AM                        [b]Rated G As a traffic safety consultant,I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group,the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars. "Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said."Could I donate the money to one of your causes?" "That would be wonderful!" she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:40 AM                        Rated G "We pass this way but once," we have heard it said.But my wife has learned that,unless I've studied a map,that isn't necessarily true. So I understand the fix a local hunting guide got himself into. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. "I am,"he said,"but I think we're in Wyoming now."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:54 AM                        Rated G Clement Freud If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer -- it just seems longer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated G ........ Lorraine The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes.And with a trowel in one hand and a cold drink in the other,tell somebody else where to dig.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Dedicated to "Poe" Poe's Family was So Poor That We Could Only Afford... Medicines called placebos Five of the Ten Commandments Bagel holes Sunrise Or Sunset Webster's Extremely Abridged Dictionary White Crayolas Ivory soap soup mix Blue suede shoe boxes Lipton Tea Bag strings  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 08:10 AM                        Rated PG "A DAY WITH A DEER HUNTER" 1:00 am - Alarm clock rings. 2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed. 3:00 am - Throw everything except kitchen sink in pickup. 3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to woods before daylight. 4:00 am - Set up camp, forgot tent. 4:30 am - Head into woods. 6:05 am - See eight deer. 6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am - "Click". 6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over hill. 8:00 am - Head back to camp. 9:00 am - Still looking for camp. 10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is. Noon - Fire gun for help. Eat wild berries. 12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets, eight deer come back. 12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach. 12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45 pm - Rescued. 12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped. 3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp. 3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 pm - Load gun, leave camp again. 5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you. 6:00 pm - Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp. 6:01 pm - Load gun. 6:02 pm - Fire gun. 6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck. 6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6:07 pm - Fall into fire. 6:10 pm - Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire. 6:15 pm - Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in woods. 6:25 pm - Pickup boils over, hole shot in radiator. 6:26 pm - Start walking. 6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud. 6:35 pm - Meet bear. 6:36 pm - Take aim. 6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:38 pm - Have accident in pants. 6:39 pm - Climb tree. 9:00 pm - Bear departs, wrap gun around tree. Midnight - Home at last!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: What can you make from baked beans and onions? ANSWER: Tear gas  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G British Seek Help with Proofreading LONDON (AheadOfNews.com) - The British government today declared a "proofreader emergency" in the wake of criticism of a report about Iraq. Billed as an up-to-date assessment of Iraq by British intelligence, the report relied heavily on material lifted from magazines and academic journals. It was part of an ongoing effort to "embellish arguments for attacking Iraq," according to a source who asked not to be identified. A spokesman for Prime Minister Tony Blair acknowledged recently that the report, "Iraq: Its Infrastructure of Concealment, Deception, and Intimidation," had been "cobbled together from a variety of sources including old term papers, Readers Digest, and several tabloids." John Miller, Undersecretary for Cutting-and-Pasting, explained that "plagiarized" sections of the report included spelling errors, such as "weapons of mass distraction" and "Untied States," found in the originals. "Our deceptions might have succeeded," he said, "except for our bloody incompetent proofreaders." To prevent "future instances of getting caught," the Blair government is calling upon India, Jamaica, Australia, Canada, and other places where English is an important language to send seasoned proofreaders to London. People with backgrounds in advertising, public relations, and "verbal book cooking" would be especially welcome, Miller said. Student volunteers from several British universities have offered to fill in until replacement proofreaders can be found. "Our next fake will be much more believable," Miller promised.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G Janine Did you hear the one about ...the famous German composer who was never home? He always had a sign on the door that read: Bach in a Minuet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 07:45 AM                        Rated G Captain Silver RING! Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave... "Is this the water department?" Yes Ma'am, for most of this area... "Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water" I'll try and help... "Why are my nipples getting so hard?" You're not really serious... "I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!" Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff... "Not only that, they're getting warped!" I see... "They used to be soft, pink and round!" I'm sure they were... "Now they really look disgusting!" I'm sure they do... "So I want to know what you're going to do about this!" I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician? "Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!" I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this? "He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that" Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off? "Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Now I understand... "Are you going to buy me new ones?" Why would we do that? "Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck..." May I ask how old your baby is? "He's six, going on seven" Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle... "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!" I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples? "Since he was born" Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years... "So! You are refusing to pay! Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out. "THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!" There is really nothing more I can do for you... "JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?" Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim... "What good would that do? Will they give me the money?" They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not... "Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?" Just show them your nipples!!  |  IP: Logged Dino Panagiotopoulos Expert Film Handler Posts: 139 From: Windor, Ontario, Canada Registered: Jan 2003 posted 02-13-2003 12:42 AM                     Rated PG What do you call a Greek guy with 300 sheep? A Pimp  |  IP: Logged

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