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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2003 04:34 AM                        Rated R Dennis in Yonkers A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man,"What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says,"If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says,"If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated X Sue Bee An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me.I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns,how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead" "You lisina to me,soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness,you goina have a beautiful wife,lotsa money,a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do then? Point to you watch and say TIME'S UP?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 07:48 AM                        Rated G Security Officials Announce New Terror Colors WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Officials in the new U.S. Department of Homeland Security today announced a fresh color scheme for the nation's system of terror alerts. The new default is fawn. The change responds to a surge in intelligence reports in recent days indicating that "something evil may be afoot," according to Gordon Bevel, assistant secretary of the department. At the same time, a confidential memo circulating among intelligence officials suggests that many Americans find the old Green-Blue-Yellow-Orange-Red system "confusing and boring." Here is a list of the new colors and what the government expects people to do: Fawn (low): Never mind. Beige (guarded): Quiver a bit upon waking. Ochre (elevated): Indulge in goose bumps. Be sure to drink plenty of water. Tangerine (high): Peer out your window from time to time. Make note of anything that looks suspicious. Magenta (severe): Be vigilant. Review your "duck and cover" manuals. Hunch down and take zigzag routes when walking outdoors. Don't stare at the sun. Bevel cautioned people against over-reacting to the new scheme. "We don't suggest that you should cancel fun things like going to the mall," he said. "Be jolly. Drive your car. Spend freely. Remain calm.Sniff only in moderation for poison gas."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:19 AM                        Rated PG : Lorraine Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. Have a female friend call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to comeover there and spank you, would you?" It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:27 AM                        Rated G Louise in Philadelphia A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, Pa.: "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESSWITH 1000 AL QUAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN" You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.One would think that anti-hate groupsfrom all across the country would be marching on this business...And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement...We are a society who holds Freedon of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty...And after all, it is just a sign.You might ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign? Scroll down to find out | V | V | V | V A FUNERAL HOME And who said morticians have no sense of humor!?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:36 AM                        Rated PG A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to. "I rang the bell, and the nudist butler opened the door." he started. His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was a butler?" "Well," he answered smoothly, "I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated PG Michele If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker; Then a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-16-2003 07:49 PM                        Rated G NATO Allies Send Ice Cubes to Rumsfeld WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Refrigerated trucks dumped several tons of ice cubes and a note on the Pentagon lawn Friday after talks described by NATO Secretary General George Robertson as "very heated." The discussions, which took place in Europe, featured U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and his scolding of Belgium, France, and Germany. The three countries had annoyed Rumsfeld by vetoing a proposal to send NATO military units to Turkey. The units would have defended against a possible counterattack if someone attacked Iraq from bases inside Turkey. "Shameful," Rumsfeld told an Italian newspaper in an interview about the NATO delay. "Inexcusable." On the International Scoldings Chart, this mini-lecture rated only a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. This falls well below the 9.8 awarded last year for U.S. President George W. Bush's scolding of the entire United Nations or the 6.9 awarded for his Axis of Evil lecture about Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. Even so, the three nations felt that the heat of reproach was moderately severe. "You seem overheated," said a note to Rumsfeld in three languages. "Your friends in Old Europe think you should cool it." Meanwhile, Chinese officials planned to send hundreds of traditional handheld fans to the Pentagon to supplement the ice, and the Russians offered Rumsfeld a vacation in Siberia.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-16-2003 08:08 PM                        Rated G I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. Hey,if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up for an exercise class!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 01:58 PM                        Rated G Market Grows for Bulletproof Baby Buggies LOS ANGELES (AheadOfNews.com) - When the Rock-a-Bye Carriage Company introduced bulletproof versions of its baby carriages in the U.S. a few years ago, many critics laughed. Today, however, the company reports record profits as worried parents line up for strollers that can withstand a violent attack. "The world is a scary place," said Rock-a-Bye spokesman Reginald Bleifuss, "and no baby is totally safe." Rock-a-Bye began selling an armored version of its Prancing Pony in August. The Rock-a-Bye marketing department targeted parents who feared gang wars at home and terrorists abroad. "Any baby visiting Los Angeles, Kabul, or Jerusalem needs to have body armor," Bleifuss said. "Our carriages will repel thrown rocks and pistol shots. If someone rolls a hand grenade beneath your Prancing Pony, its undercarriage will absorb the fragments." Because a Prancing Pony retails for about $30,000, not every parent can afford one. For the family on a budget, Rock-a-Bye offers a stroller refurbishing service. "We'll cheerfully outfit your heirloom pram or your beat-up stroller with the latest in infant armor," Bleifuss said. Mommies and daddies who are leaders of countries or executives of companies or who have "extremely large" amounts of money may wish to consider enhancements to their child's Prancing Pony. These can include infant gas masks, anti-ballistic wheels, and canopies impervious to radiation.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 02:16 PM                        Rated G A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has met a wonderful girl and is going to be married. He is sure she will be happier since he knows his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers,"Monica Lewinsky". There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 02:27 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge while others only gargle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 02:32 PM                        Rated G Michele Washed your hands lately ??? Do you know.. . . . . What happens.... . . . . at.. . . . . night... . . . . . on... . . . . your.... . . . . . desk.... . . . after.... . . . having... . . . shut down........ . . . . your ......... . . . . computer...... . . . . ? ? ? ? GO WASH YOUR HANDS...!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 02:37 PM                        Rated G Janine Stupid Steve: My new boss told me that the early bird catches the worm. Butch: And have you taken that advice? Stupid Steve: I sure have. I leave the office early every day and go fishing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2003 08:33 AM                        Rated G GOP Lawmakers Push for Personal Atomic Weapons WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - A group of House Republicans proposed a fundamental shift in U.S. nuclear weapons policy Tuesday when it plumped for "The Family Nuke." The 23 GOP lawmakers called for repeal of an existing law that prohibits development of low-yield atomic weapons. It also urged passage of a law allowing individual families to initiate pre-emptive nuclear attacks against suspected criminals. The law would also permit underground testing of these weapons on residential lots larger than 5,000 square feet. "Circumstances have changed dramatically in recent months," said Redmond Dervish, R-Mo., chairman of the Family Values Nuclear Committee. "Life is substantially more scary than it was in the 20th century, and people need a variety of methods for defending themselves." The GOP group said a more aggressive defense of homes was needed because efforts to halt the spread of crime through moral suasion and the justice system worked "mainly with good people" while failing with burglars and child molesters. "These outdated methods cannot be relied on to protect us," Dervish said. The lawmakers acknowledged that not every family could afford to buy and test nuclear weapons. "Start your arsenal with a couple of Molotov cocktails, a pipe bomb or two, and a 50-caliber handgun," he advised. "Pretty soon you'll work up to bigger things, and at last you'll feel safe."  |  IP: Logged

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