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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2003 09:45 AM
Rated XXX ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A Sweet Ass Story
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2003 02:16 PM
[b]Rated G
Local Shoe Bomber to Seek Counseling [
/b]
SPRINGFIELD, IL (AheadOfNews.com) - He just doesn't like modern shoes.
A Pleasant Plains man charged with throwing stink bombs into three Springfield shoe stores has admitted doing it because he regards most shoes as "terribly disturbing." The panic caused by Horatio Reed's "nauseating beagle breath" concoctions caused an estimated $2,000 in damage to displays and merchandise at Fleetfoot, Stiletto Flats, and Beth's Bootie Boutique.
"I dislike wing tips, I abhor loafers, and I can't stand open-toe shoes," said Reed, 67. "Athletic shoes are an abomination."
During three hours of tearful testimony, the retired pharmacist told Municipal Court Judge Trudy Grim that he decided in 1999 to "get even with the Doc Martens and Birkenstock crowd" after a routine shopping trip to White Oaks Mall.
"I was exposed to lots of disgusting shoes," he said, "on people's feet and in the windows of stores."
His subsequent experiments with household chemicals and "substances gathered from neighborhood alleys" led to the "king of all stink bombs." The malodorous cocktails sent customers racing for the exits.
"It was worse than skunk," said Gloria Bonjour, who witnessed the attack at Stiletto Flats. "I don't like to think about it. It made me scream."
Though their last names are similar, Reed is not to be confused with Richard Reid, a Briton who tried to set fire to explosives in his shoes while on an American Airlines flight from Paris to Miami in late 2001. Reid is going to jail, whereas Reed is going to a psychiatrist.
He confessed to Judge Grim that his hatred of modern shoes and his love of the Wedelspang Bog Slipper, a shoe worn in the Northern European Dark Ages between 700 and 1000 A.D., was "a little strange."
"Actually, I'm a good man at heart," he said, "and I've agreed to see a shrink."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2003 07:04 AM
Rated G
A drummer,sick of all the drummer jokes,decides to change his
instrument.After some thought,he decides on the accordion.
So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says,"I think I'd like the big red
one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't
you?"
The drummer,crestfallen, says,"How did you know?"
The store owner says,"That big red accordion' is the radiator." [/b]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2003 03:41 PM
Rated G
The biology song
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: "Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing")[/b]
Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesn't cure it
Other people's sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.
Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease
Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean:D
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2003 03:54 PM
Rated G
Facts from the 1500s
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children--last of all, the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it--hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs cats and other small animals, mice, rats, and bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entry way--creating a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while--inspiring the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up- the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell. Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
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