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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 09:22 AM                        Rated G A prophet of old prophesied to a king that his favorite wife would soon die.Sure enough,the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the prophet,certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death.He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:"Tell me when you will die!" The prophet realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately,no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die,"he answered finally."I only know that whenever I die,the king will die three days later"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 10:42 AM                        Rated G Think on this ... When you are in your casket, and friends, family and are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say? Three clerics were asked what words they would choose: Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was an excellent teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives." Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 12:09 PM                        Rated G Mark Wheeler A new law that took effect on January first in California requires kids under the age of 18 to wear a helmet whenever they ride a skateboard. Research show that helmets do protect children riding skateboards,right up until the point that they get their ass kicked by some other kids.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 12:19 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee IT'S SNOWING DOWN SOUTH I was talkin with a buddy of mine who lives up north. He casually mentioned that it was snowing a little and that it was 10 degrees outside. He was so calm about the whole thing.Here in the South when it snows here it's an EVENT! No work, no school - and half the time no electricity. In fact,iffin you get two snowflakes fallin' together we call it a blizzard. There is something about frozen water falling from the sky that triggers the 'milk and bread buyin' gland in a Southern brain. I ain't never figgered dat one out either. Gonna make snow cream sammiches. Even the threat of a light dusting and the grocery stores are cleaned out of milk, bread, canned goods and sammich meats - you'd think it was Y2K all over again! People get ready to hunker down until Spring. About 10 houses burn down every time it snows as people try to figure out how to operate their fireplaces for the first time ever. Of course the roads are totally impassable - not with snow and ice but with abandoned cars. People just pull over and get out of perfectly good automobiles and start walking.You only see 4-wheel drive trucks out. Half of them are gouging people $50 a pop to pull their cars out of ditches,the other half have drunk rednecks being pulled along behind on converted water skis. Yep - its a circus every time.Of course, there is always some pasty-skinned Yankee transplant (or a Canuck!) who sits around a laughs at all his neighbors and tells stories of how "this is nothing" and how he had to walk to school everyday in 3 feet of snow with just barbed wire wrapped around his bare feet for traction. If its so great up there on the tundra why are you living down here, huh? As for me, I don't mind snow too much. Everything is so pretty and white and ya get to stay in bed and snuggle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:14 PM                        Rated G I am posting this here because all should read Bible Lessons These are a hoot!! If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. 5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. 9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. 20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G Breaking News, February 6 Endurance Athlete Develops Super Heart SKOWHEGAN, MAINE (AheadOfNews.com) - Her heart can beat faster than a hummingbird's yet often remains motionless for days. Heidi Quigley has achieved a fitness level once thought impossible. During vigorous exercise, her heart vastly exceeds the revolutions-per-minute of most mechanical engines; otherwise her heart beats only once a week. According to the American Medical Association, a normal person's maximum heart rate is 220 minus the person's age. For Quigley, age 40, this rate should be 180 beats per minute. Yet according to David M. Essence, M.D., her personal sports medicine practitioner, Quigley's heart has been clocked at 12,200 beats per minute during extreme workouts such as her trans-ocean swim last year from New York to London. "This incredible top speed is counterbalanced by her resting heart rate of approximately zero," Essence said. "Most people would either explode or turn blue under these extremes, but with Heidi it averages out." Quigley attributes her incredible fitness to daily workouts that began when she was 2. "By age 6, I swam five miles to school in the Kennebec River," she said in a recent interview. "This was especially invigorating in winter. For cross-training I ran 30 miles barefoot through the woods each Saturday and Sunday. I lifted huge weights before breakfast and rode my bicycle 25 miles during lunch." Quigley avoided competitive sports. Her solo swims -- across the English Channel, the Cook Strait between the North and South Islands of New Zealand, and the Bering Strait between Alaska and Siberia - attracted little attention until she swam the Atlantic. By then, her resting heart rate was only one beat per week, usually on Sunday. "I still have goals," she confided. "I want to swim completely around Antarctica in a bikini. By the time I turn 50, I want my heart to beat just once a month."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 12:10 PM                        Rated G IMPORTANT NOTICE: ALL K-MART AND WALMART STORES WILL BE CLOSED IN IRAQ. THEY WILL BE REPLACED WITH TARGETS!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 12:19 PM                        Rated G Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law." Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 12:47 PM                        Rated G This is Fun BROADCAST BLOOPERS MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed:"I had a good eight inches last night." LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV:"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one." MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." RICHARD Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:"Ah,'erection',let's see it up please Carol." DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied."I've come across quite a few in my time." HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:"Well Phil,tell us about your amazing third leg." BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:"Just after the liberation,I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room." CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships:"Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him." CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors:"That's enough Dick for both of you." EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen." BEST TILL LASTCARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:03 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues Tidbits of Wit Grandparents: So easy to operate. Even a child can do it.' The only self cleaning thing in this house is the cat.' Families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts.' If you had everything you wanted, would you still want it??  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:28 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee I wanted to try that Jared guy's "Subway diet," but since I don't live near a Subway,I had to improvise. Eight months later,I'm sad to report that the "McDonald's Filet O' Fish Extra Value Meal diet" has thus far been..... well..... spectacularly unsuccessful. (Miles Walker)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 03:11 PM                        Rated G Poll: Bush Popularity Approaching 100 Percent WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Nearly every television viewer of President George W. Bush's recent State of the Union address agreed with him on every issue, according to a poll conducted this week by the Arfley Research Institute. The poll gave Bush a 97 percent approval rating for his "astonishing" management of the U.S. economy and a 98 percent approval rating for his "amazing" handling of foreign affairs.Both numbers represented increases of about 25 percent over the day before, according to Arfley spokesperson Katrina Hoot. Representative questions from the poll were as follows: 1. How would you assess the president's speech? A. Terrific B. Wonderful C. Dandy D. Super 2. How should the president overhaul Medicare? A. Eliminate B. Reduce C. Downgrade D. Privatize 3. Which of the following people most deserve a big tax break? A. Oil executives B. Drug executives C. Insurance executives D. Telephone executives The Arfley Poll conducts regular surveys on behalf of its sponsor,Zealots for Bush,on a variety of topics of interest to the public.The random poll of 27 people had a margin of error of 96 percent. Hoot said the Bush numbers would have been even better if not for "the extreme liberal bias of the media." "Everyone adores the president,"she said,"but you might not get that from reading the paper."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated PG The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY: Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY: Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 03:55 PM                        Rated R Michele I'm Busier Than... ... Michael Jackson in a day care center ... Richard Simmons on a fat farm ... a half-fucked fox during the heat season ... a two-peckered billy goat ... an L.A. hooker in Hugh Grant's BMW ... a monkey trying to screw a football ... a toilet in Grand Central Station ... a gopher on a golf course ... a bar of soap at San Quentin ... an Enron CPA trying to explain their accounting 'system'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 04:46 PM                        Rated PG Deep Thoughts A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America? Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. Learn from the mistakes of others, then you won't live long enough to make them all yourself. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.  |  IP: Logged

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