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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 10:31 AM                        Rated PG Q: What do a condom and a Kodak camera have in common? A: They both capture the moment.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 10:41 AM                        Rated G Michele Top 10 Words That Don't Exist... But Should... AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, or running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 10:43 AM                        Rated G Michele Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 10:46 AM                        Rated G Michele YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF... * You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up. * The Sun is too loud. * Trees begin chasing you. * You can see individual air molecules vibrating. * You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. * You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. * You can hear mimes. * You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. * Things becomes "Very Clear". * You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. * You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room. * Your heart beats in 7/8 time. * You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. * You can skip without a rope. * It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. * You can travel without moving. * Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. * You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. * You begin to talk to yourself,then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it,lose,and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night. * Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies. * You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of people you are talking to.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 10:52 AM                        Rated G Michele "Replying To An Invitation To A Scientists' Ball" Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm. Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend. Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought. Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research. Ohm resisted the idea at first. Boyle said he was under too much pressure. Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience. Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam. Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco. Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight. Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately. Morse's reply:"I'll be there on the dot.Can't stop now must dash." Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it. Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency. Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol. Audubon said he'd have to wing it. Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule. Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved. Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he? Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding. Descartes said he'd think about it. Newton was moved to attend. Pavlov was drooling at the thought. Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 11:17 AM                        Rated PG Michele Signs that you're too fat for your pants You've lost the feeling below your ankles. When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before. The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger. Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle. People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?" The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker. It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 11:36 AM                        Rated G Michele When I was a mother's helper,the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby.The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life. As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal,he asked, "Mom,does that hurt?" "Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries. "Gee," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 12:01 PM                        Rated G Lorraine An express train rear-ended a local freight train one night,and the ensuing investigation centered on whether or not the crew of the first train had flagged the second train sufficiently. "Now,then," said the superintendent to the freight train's rear brakeman, "were you flagging your train that night?" "Yes, sir," he said. "And were you at least a half-mile from your train?" asked the superintendent. "Yes, sir," said the brakeman. "And did you attempt to flag the express down?" asked the superintendent. "Yes, sir,and they went right on past me," the brakeman said. "And did you use a red lantern?" the superintendent asked. "Yes, sir," the man said."Of course." Well,the railroad couldn't decide who was at fault,so the investigation was closed. "You did just what I asked you to," said the conductor of the local freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing."You told the truth.But were you nervous at all?" "You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was hopin' that guy wouldn't ask me if the lantern was lit!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-30-2003 04:20 PM                        Rated G SCO to Sue Rest of World LINDON, UT (AheadOfNews.com) - The SCO Group, which made news in March by suing IBM for $1 billion, now plans to sue "everyone else." At issue is the copyright of the Unix operating system, which was originally owned by AT&T but was subsequently transferred to SCO. SCO has since raised its claim for damages against IBM to over $3 billion, and recently announced its intention to sue all users of the Linux operating system who did not buy a license for SCO's UnixWare operating system. SCO executives said on Monday that they would provide details on "opportunities for Linux customers." Now, however, apparently angered by the industry's lack of response, SCO has reportedly been considering even more drastic measures. "The System V Unix source code contains several comments," says an SCO executive who wishes to remain anonymous, "and those comments contain words like 'of,' 'the,' and 'copyright.' So legally, any document, publication, or software that contains any of those words is in violation of SCO's copyright. That's pretty much everything, from the Bible to Pac Man." SCO has retained the famous lawyer, David Boies, who worked on the Microsoft anti-trust lawsuit, as well as on Al Gore's unsuccessful challenge of the 2000 Federal election results. As with the alleged source code copyright violations, SCO has yet to produce any actual evidence of infringement. Our SCO informant says in the long run, that doesn't matter. "Are you going to tell every family and business in the world that they should risk a time consuming and expensive lawsuit, simply to avoid paying SCO a measly $800?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated G Louise HOW TO GET EVEN! Here are several ways to reall get even with someone: GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard,Just come around back and Come early! X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil.Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage.As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials an absolute classic . . . OIL SPOT: At night pour used oil under neath the victims car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night.The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too. PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries another favorite . . . FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted,tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as OIL SPOT  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "First prize was a week in Philadelphia Second prize was two weeks." W.C. Fields, 1880-1946, who evidently had a low opinion of Philadelphia  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated PG Michele How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, errr... I mean ladder.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:29 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his cooks. "From now on," he decreed, "chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise." To this day his decree is known as Cole's Law.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G A young man was talking to a young woman that he had just met, and asked for her name. "I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing." "Well, what could be so bad about that?" the gentleman asked. "My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the lady answered. "Well, those are nice names" the guy replied. "But they named me Ferdeliza!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated G Time Changes Everything I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. I think I've reached my sexpiration date. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing. The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age.. but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back UP!  |  IP: Logged

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