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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 08-08-2003 09:57 AM
Subject: Random thoughts
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Get the last word in: Apologize.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
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>Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and peopl e take PROZAC to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 08-08-2003 12:49 PM
An oldie but worth a re-run...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So...Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 08-08-2003 02:31 PM
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt"?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible char, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he or she is
going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs...
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Stop singing and read on...........)
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the atmosphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-18-2003 02:51 PM
Rated X ![[Smile]](smile.gif) ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Denny in Yonkers
A rich white man in Richmond, Virginia decided that he wanted to
throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking,dancing,eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party,the host said,"I have a 10 foot man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the 'gator in the eyes with his thumbs,throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and choke holds,biting the 'gator on the ass and flipping the 'gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Leroy and the 'gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the 'gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.Finally,the host
says,"Well,Leroy,I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said,"Man,I have to give you something.You won the bet.
Then, how about half a million bucks?"
No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?"
Again Leroy said "No." Confused,the rich man asked,"Well, Leroy,
then what do you want?" Leroy said,"I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me into the pool." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-18-2003 04:00 PM
Rated G Ed in Middletown
Money
It can buy a Bed, but not Sleep.
It can buy a Clock, but not Time.
It can buy a Book, but not Knowledge.
It can buy a Position, but not Respect.
It can buy Medicine, but not Health.
It can buy Blood, but not Life.
It can buy Sex, but not Love.
So see, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you this because I am your friend,
and as a friend I want to take away your
pain and suffering.
So,! send me all your money and I will suffer
for you.
Cash is fine. You know how to get in touch with me!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-19-2003 07:12 AM
Rated G Lorraine
I often ask people who visit if they would like some fruit to
snack on (oranges especially). I never thought of the legal
ramifications of my generosity until recently though, when a
lawyer friend visited me.
"You shouldn't give this away so easily" he said. "It's possible a stranger would visit you and partake of your generosity, then
later sue you for damages."
"What do you suggest I do?" I asked, quite concerned about the
possibility of facing a lawsuit.
"I'd recommend you precede your fruit giving by the following
statement" he said, before inhaling a large breath and beginning
his discourse.
"Know all persons by these presents that I hereby give, grant,
bargain, sell, release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my
right, title, interest, benefit, and use whatever in, of and
concerning this chattel, otherwise known as an orange or citrus
orantium, together with all the appurtenances thereto of skin,
pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, to have and to hold the said
orange together with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice
for his own use and behoof,to himself and his heirs in fee simple forever,free from a liens,encumbrances,easements, limitations,restraints,or conditions whatsoever,any and all prior deeds,transfers or other documents whatsoever,not or anywhere made to the contrary notwithstanding, with full power to bite,cut,suck, or otherwise eat the said orange or give away the same, with or without its skin, pulp,pip,rind,seeds or juice."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 08-19-2003 06:15 PM
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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