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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 12:23 PM                        Rated G Lirty Dies: Maddam and Yubble-Doo Let me tell you the story of that big troublemaker. That dictator of Iraq. That butcher of Baghdad. That madman, Saddam. Let me start all over. LET ME STELL YOU the tory of that trig bubblemaker. That ictator from Diraq. That bagger of butchdad. That Sadman, MADDAM Maddam has wig beapons of ass mannihilation. Wo nay is he gonna mannihilate my ass. Cow hum? 'Cuz of our learless feeder. The yesident of the Proo-Ess. Yubble-doo. YUBBLE-DOO has a Q.I. in the dingle sigits. He couldn't frick pants on a wap of the murld. And when he was a yudent at Stale he was copped by a stop ... for IUD. But Yubble-doo thinks he's a datter-lay Raul Pevere. Lun if by wand, soo if by tea, tam the dorpedos, I have not yet fegun to bite. Yubble-doo has a core wabinet full of more-wongers. Like Ronald Dumsfeld. What a nun-gut. And Chick Daney. What a white ringer. Yeah, but how 'bout all those niece-picks, smot pokers, and lamingfliberals? They wouldn't gick up a pun if Hussolini, Titler, and Mojo were harashooting into Pollywood. Then there's Blanz Hicks. Alias Clinspector Ousseau. That nuke wouldn't see a fluke if one humped him on his bed. And there's a French from the stench. La la oo, Pay Garee. What a mile of perde. We oughtta give those flogs a good frogging. Franky-spanky, franky-spanky. Then there's those Terks in Jurkey. They won't let us trace our boops. And how 'bout N.U.? What a blouse of ho-hards. Full of boo-tit, hin-torn shictaterdips. It's enough to make Colin towel throw in the Powell. Except we do have one frig bend who's trot to hot. Blony Tair. He is yandsome, hung, and hung-go. Liff upper stiff, in the tittish brabloids. THE STORAL of my mory is this: Set get for stesert dorm, tart poo. Alias, thurld war wee! Yucky lou! Except this time, there's no Norman Storman. Only a lunch of boozers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated G God speaks through billboards. New public service billboards created by a Dallas advertising agency (don't know exactly who?) are getting big attention in Dallas AND in the awards annuals. Here's a list of the variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.... Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.-God C'mon over and bring the kids. -God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?-God We need to talk. -God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God Follow me. -God Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God My way is the highway. -God Need directions? -God You think it's hot here? -God Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God Do you have any idea where you're going? -God Don't make me come down there! -God  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 07:51 AM                        Rated G Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate,I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,still working on that makeup. As a man,I don't scare easily.But she scared me so much;I dropped my electric shaver,which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,splashed,and burned Big Jim and the Twins,ruined the damn phone,soaked my trousers,and disconnected an important call.Damn women drivers!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G JerseyT Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called "Gilligan's Island." There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins: Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks,and is a borderline nymphomaniac. Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty. The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all. Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed. Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans. The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again,no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show. This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also,it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN. Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-27-2003 09:31 AM                        Rated G B.B. "In school I was never the class clown but more the class trapeze artist as I was always being suspended." -Rodney Dangerfield- Arthur Koestler said, "If the Creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out." Pity poor old George Washington. He couldn't blame his troubles on the previous administration. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.~Robin Morgan The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2003 02:25 PM                        Rated G Thanks for the memories........ Ladies and Gentleman Mr. Bob Hope ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING... "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them." ON SAILORS..."They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure." ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR... "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'." ON GOLF... "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." ON PRESIDENTS... "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six." ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER... "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'." ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL... "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY... "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." ON HIS SIX BROTHERS..."That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom." ON HIS EARLY FAILURES... "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me." ON GOING TO HEAVEN... "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:10 AM                        Rated G Michele So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:22 AM                        Rated G Michele Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there? Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird". Life is sexually transmitted. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:26 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Hints For Uses Of Duct Tape Remodeling on a budget? Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors and drawer fronts for a modern,metallic-look kitchen. Super seal your tax return envelope with duct tape to annoy the IRS. And when you've finished your taxes,patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape. Enjoy your music loud? Duct tape volume knob at your favorite level. Be kind to animals. Duct tape corncobs to trees for birds and squirrels.Or,duct tape birds and squirrels to trees for dogs and cats.Anyone taking these duct tape uses seriously should be duct taped to the tree right next to the squirrel.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:28 AM                        Rated G Bubba Why do women fart less than men? Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated G Michele What do you get if you cross an insomniac,an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:33 AM                        Rated PG Michele Geek Pickup Lines "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'" "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!" "Nice Asimov." "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody." "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!" "I'm the droid you're looking for." "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears." "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft." "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:40 AM                        [b]Rated R There was a woman walking to the store and she passed the nursing home. She saw six naked old ladies lying on the front lawn. She thought it odd but continued to the store. On her way back, she saw the same six ladies naked lying on the lawn. Her curiosity got the best of her so she went inside to speak to the manager. She asked him why there were six naked old ladies lying on the front lawn. He said "Well you see mam, they are retired prostitutes and today they are having a yard sale."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:59 AM                        Rated G Michele A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert."What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction,the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, some jerk is bound to come up behind you and say,"Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 11:35 AM                        Rated G WHO AM I? I am your constant companion, I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden. I will push you onward or drag you down to failure. I am completely at your command. Half the things you do might just as well turn over to me and I will be able to do them quickly and correctly. I am easily managed - you must merely be firm with me. Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically. I am the servant of all great people; and alas, of all failures as well. Those who are great, I have made great. Those who are failures, I have made failures. I am not a machine, though I work with all the precision of a machine plus the intelligence of a human. You may run me for a profit or run me for ruin - it makes no difference to me. Take me, train me, be firm with me, And I will place the world at your feet. Be easy with me, and I will destroy you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WHO AM I? I AM HABIT.  |  IP: Logged

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