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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2003 08:27 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
CHEER UP!!! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a
hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.
CHEER UP!!! Your neighbors drink better beer than you, but
they voted for Clinton, and now they have to
face the mirror with shame every morning.
CHEER UP!!! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your
knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now,
and she has arthritis.
CHEER UP!!! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone.
Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by
Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)
CHEER UP!!! The worse things get,...the less you have to lose!
CHEER UP!!! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is
made of 50% recycled material. (That's 1% recycled
paper; 49% recycled news articles.)
CHEER UP!!! Miss Manners has finally been discredited.
It's rude to tell other people what to do!
CHEER UP!!! Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too.
It's lewd to tell other people about their poo.
CHEER UP!!! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban
housewife backs the family car through the garage
door.
CHEER UP!!! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have
your old bedroom ready,and you're welcome to go
back home.
CHEER UP!!! The time you spent reading this could've been spent
more productively. But you're not bothered because
you're one of those well-adjusted people who really
doesn't care about anything. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-03-2003 04:02 PM
Rated PG ----- 2003 Darwin Awards
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin
Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again,
truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of)that individual,who through single-minded self-sacrifice,has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.Just think...until these events,these same people were walking the streets like normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo,California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m.,the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed intoa tower.It has since been investigated and determined the towerhe hit was the one with its pad removed.
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4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo,32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.Police found him unconscious in front of the store.Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
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3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain,who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
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2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party(probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck)popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off hi lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man
had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off,Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing somethinglike that," Payne said.
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1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost
his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as
Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend
tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major
blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about
this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County
district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under
investigation.
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Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,
of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local
Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having
no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into
the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to
hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate for
(the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other
side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and
broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by
his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked
down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes
would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp
leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection
of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make
matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw
him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to
the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his
drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police
arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100
feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked,
scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in
the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
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Michele 
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