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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-27-2003 03:45 AM
Rated G ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
New Poll Shows 73 Percent of Population Are Nitwits
BOSTON, MA (AheadOfNews.com) - Researchers at the American Political Education Service say that they have uncovered the reason behind so many puzzling poll results.
"Most people are nincompoops," says Dr. Harald Tween, the lead researcher on the project. Tween says this came as a surprise to the team, partially because it seems to throw into doubt the whole basis of a democratic society.
"We designed a poll intended to measure the political intelligence of the respondents," Tween explained. The poll included questions such as:
"Did the USA and Britain do the right thing by preemptively attacking Iraq?" (yes: 77%, no: 10%)
"Is a preemptive attack a good strategy for others to use?" (yes: 20%, no: 73%)
"Do you think it is possible to show evidence of absence?"
(yes: 74%, no: 10%)
"Did French president Jacques Chirac do the right thing by opposing the war in Iraq?" (yes: 10%, no: 87%)
"Should United States citizens be allowed to express their own views on the war in Iraq?" (yes: 91%, no: 6%)
"Does supporting our troops mean that you are in favor of the war in Iraq?" (yes: 73%, no: 14%)
Overall, says Tween, 73% of American's who answer poll questions have "the political IQ of Kleenex."
Tween has this response to anyone who has ever answered a poll question and been in the minority: "Congratulations!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-28-2003 07:27 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Sports Shoes To Get Even Bigger
PORTLAND, OR (AheadOfNews.com) - Athletic equipment giant Nike has announced plans for giant athletic shoes. Shoe designer Pete Harmon says that the new design accomplishes much more than earlier versions.
"A sports shoe needs to protect the foot, reduce the chance of strain or injury, and support a wide range of motion," says Harmon, "but that's just the obvious part of the design. It also makes a statement about the wearer."
Harmon says that a number of studies conducted by the prestigious Modern Anthropology lab at Princeton University have shown that shoes are very important in first impressions, especially among women.
In one study, randomly selected women were shown a series of pictures of men, and asked to guess which of the men were "best endowed." Four out of five women picked the man with the largest shoes.
"Large shoes are a way of saying that you're virile, confident, and aggressive," says Harmon, "and we've got the biggest shoes in the world."
What's next, in the athletic shoe world? "We've got some in the lab," says Harmon, "that throb." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-28-2003 09:45 AM
Rated G
MORE CARDS YOU WILL NEVER
SEE IN A HALLMARK STORE:
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers,
and a box of Depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me
6. Looking back over the years that we've
been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the HELL was I thinking?
7. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.
8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
10. As you grow older,Mom,I think of all the
gifts you've given me.Like the need for therapy...
11. Congratulations on your promotion.Before
you go, would you like to take this knife out
of my back? You'll probably need it again.
12. When we were together,you always said
you'd die for me. Now that we've broken
up,I think it's time you kept your promise.
13. You are such a good friend that if we were on
a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
14. Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday-so we're having you
put to sleep.
15. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in Kentucky and Arkansas)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-28-2003 10:12 AM
Rated G
A Fable
Once upon a time, there was a little boy beaver who did nothing but laze and play games with his little beaver girl-friends. One day, as he was playing Now-I'll Chase-You, he spotted a beautiful young girl beaver and instantly fell in love. He introduced himself to her and pledged his love for her. Haughtily, she informed that she would never even consider marrying him; he was a loafer and that would never do for the family she would have one day. She planned to marry a beaver named Arthur, who had made many impressive dams all over the riverside; he was a beaver who would Go Somewhere in life.
Seeing the young boy beaver's disappointment, she softened and offered to be more like a sister to him. But he refused, stating bitterly that he already had seventeen sisters and what good would it do to have another? So they parted forever.
The beautiful young girl beaver married her Arthur, and together they had seven
little baby beavers.Poor Arthur gnawed his teeth down to the gum trying to support his family and died without ever having a vacation in his life.
The young boy beaver was sad for a little while about losing his love, but consoled himself by spending his days snoozing and playing games like Spider-In-The-Parlor with his little beaver girl-friends. He never Got Anywhere, but had a long, happy life.
The moral of the story? It's better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-28-2003 10:38 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Ancient History Update,
(in case you are asked!)
Listed below is a selected list of many of thelesser-known gods and demi-gods of Greecethat have apparently been ignored or forgotten byhistorians for various and sundry reasons.
Some of these gods were obviously importantand useful in everyday life habits,othersapparently had no redeeming value whatsoever,but some how achieved god-or goddess status.
This list is presented here in the hopes that it will prove helpful to someone somewhere,sometime.
Egregious - God of Errors.
Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus,he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the south of France where he met and had an affairwith the French goddess,Faux Pas.
Egregious was one of the smartest gods on MountOlympus.In fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus,though no one would ever admit this publicly.However,his unfortunate habit of making so many mistakes kept him from becoming one of the better-known gods.When asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes,his reply was always "You learn from your mistakes. Obviously,I've made so MANY mistakes, I've become a genius!"
Melanoma - God of Tanning.
Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of southern Greece,Melanoma could have been ranked up there with theother major gods of his time,He was strong, handsome,and had a body that attracted all the goddesses.His
only major fault was getting involved with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet.
The two of them constantly Played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non-Olympian, decided to punish him by taking away his immortality. This didn't seem to bother Melanoma at first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the buff each day. Soon though,Melanoma started to notice small dark patches on his
skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick,but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the veryend.
Ozone - God of Memory.
Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood,Zeus asked Ozone to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness,Ozone married his school sweetheart, Amnesia.However, their foggy relationship soon resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods on Mount Olympus.Zeus
retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to Southern California,where he was held prisoner in the dreaded "Inversion Layer"along with the evil nether-world dragon-god of progress and technology,Smog.
Pancreas - Demi-god of Dessert.
Father of the sugar gods,Arabinose,Fructose,and Glucose.Pancreas was a short-lived god who spentmost of his time on coffee breaks eating donuts.His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died soon after they had their three sons.
Zirconia - Goddess of Costume Jewelry.
Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum,Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was sub-sequently ignored by most historians and now onlyshows up on the backs of magazines for really cheap
prices.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-29-2003 09:11 AM
Rated G
You Want to Humongousize That?
CHICAGO, IL (AheadOfNews.com) - All across America, Wendy's customers are being asked if they want to "Biggie Size" their order, while rival Burger King asks their customers if they want to "Go Large." Consumer advocate Bert Fleming says that it's just corporate America's way of insulting their customers.
"It started as just a way to trick people into thinking that they were getting a good deal," says Fleming, "while all they were doing was adding an average of 4 cents more food for an extra 30 cents profit."
Marketers use many different terms for the larger portion, such as King Size, Super Size, Jumbo, or Up-Size. Fleming says some of the newer terms are actually attempts by rival chains to out-do each other in insulting the customers, by making them say stupid things out loud.
"It's understandable," admits Fleming, "since after all, the customer is already buying enough calories to feed a third-world village. Asking them if they want more is like saying 'Hey lard-bucket, you want to waddle out of here yourself or be carried on a stretcher?' "
Customers don't seem to mind the insults, however. At Chicago's popular Burger Yurt restaurants, employees are now asking customers "You want to humongousize that, dirtbag?" Business is booming.
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