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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2003 02:47 PM                        Rated G Upper-Class Mob Snarls Traffic During Tax Protest WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Thousands of the richest people in America converged on the nation's capital today in private jets and limousines to demand full relief from their taxes. Protesters in top hats and furs disrupted traffic by holding catered brunches in key intersections throughout the city. They expressed anger at Congress for its failure to quickly enact all of the tax cuts sought by President George W. Bush. Chanting "Hey, hey, ho, ho, the income tax has got to go," many wore black to symbolize the hardships suffered by multi-millionaires being "killed" by taxes. Others carried banners reading "Soak the Poor." The Bush tax cuts adopted in 2001 heavily favor people with annual incomes above $1.5 million. The latest proposed cuts would favor them even more. "Our current system of taxation is grossly unfair," said Huffington Sparling, spokesman for Extremely Rich People United. "Why should a rich person support our country any more than a person who has little to give?" The group has vowed to keep fighting until Congress relents. "Nothing gets attention like civil disobedience," Sparling said. "We plan to cause endless disruptions until we get what we want, and we won't share our champagne and eggs Benedict with commoners like the police."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 06:17 AM                        Rated G Driving Today Driving changes people. Everybody on the road today is a regular Dr Jekyll and Mr Goodwrench. Half the people on the road should be pulled over by the police, the other half by psychiatrists. Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line. To some people, driving is transportation. To others it's a contact sport. Aggressive drivers are the ones who try to get even after we cut them off. The only way to get home on time is to take the day off. The way some people drive the car should be considered an accomplice. Traffic was so bad on the freeway,I had to stop twice to make car payments. I went to court for a parking ticket.I pleaded insanity. I drive so bad,I got my master's degree from Driving School. I'll never forget the first ticket I ever got--$30 fine for passing on the wrong side of a subway train.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 07:13 AM                        Rated G Polytheists Claim to See Flaw in Evangelical Logic NEW ORLEANS, LA (AheadOfNews.com) - Polytheists were saying "I told you so" today after two evangelical missionary organizations based in the U.S. announced plans to go to Iraq to convert Muslims to Christianity. The leader of Samaritan's Purse, Franklin Graham, has called Islam "a very evil and wicked religion" and has said in one of his books that "the God of Islam is not the God of Christian faith." Likewise, the Rev. Jerry Vines of the Southern Baptists has said that Allah is not the same as Jehovah. Polytheists meeting in New Orleans this week said these statements merely revealed a basic flaw in evangelical logic. "The Christian evangelicals say they believe in one god in the same sentence that they talk about two gods," said Franklin Cooper, president of the Louisiana Polytheist Convention. "This gives them at least three main gods that I know of, Jehovah, Allah, and Satan." Franklin suggested that evangelicals "can never be monotheists because of their need for an enemy god or several enemy gods arranged along an axis of evil." By contrast, he said, Louisiana Polytheists experience life as a set of relationships among the banana god, the river god, the cat god, the cheese god, and the god of argyle socks. "None is the enemy," he said, "and, paradoxically, they may all be One.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated G --Andy Rooney "You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say'I don't know'? it costs 90 cents to callup and vote -- and they're voting 'I don't know.' Honey, I feel very strong about this. Give me the phone. (into...phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometime you have to stand upfor what you believe your not sure about."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 05:52 AM                        Rated G World's Abrupt End Goes Largely Unnoticed LONDON (AheadOfNews.com) - Christians calling themselves "born again" celebrated today as the world suddenly ended at midnight Tuesday, Greenwich Mean Time. A tambourine player shook his instrument in Hyde Park, where believers with upturned faces awaited an ascent to Heaven. "We're all set and ready to go," said Donald Marchbanks, dressed in a Rapture Ready T-shirt. "We always said this would be one of the most astonishing events in history." Meanwhile, most life continued as usual. British Prime Minister Tony Blair spoke enthusiastically about the reconstruction of Syria after the war. Whale watchers reported seeing an unusually large pod of orcas off the coast of northern Scotland. U.S. President George W. Bush announced plans to eliminate taxes entirely and to "just print money as needed." Scientists noted that the Red Sea was a half-inch lower than expected. Four million protestors marched in Jakarta, Indonesia, carrying small red signs saying, "Not." Light rain is forecast in London tomorrow. Winds should be light at about 5 miles per hour from the southwest.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-17-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated G Utah Grandmother Wins Trash-Talking Honors PHOENIX, AZ (AheadOfNews.com) - An 87-year-old grandmother from Salt Lake City won the 14th Annual Trash Talking Contest, held today in Phoenix. With verve that surprised many experts, she defeated the reigning champion of trashy insults, Jackson J. Jackson. Petunia Vogel beat Jackson, 26, also known as "Triple J," by answering each of his jibes with one of her own. When a smirking Jackson opened the contest with "banana peel," Vogel countered with "solid waste." Below are the insults, Jackson's first and Vogel's second, for Rounds 2 through 6. Coffee Grounds vs. Landfill Footprint Eggshell vs. Hazardous Waste Used Tissue vs. Brownfield Development Waxy Cotton Swab vs. Methane Chewed Toothpick vs. Leachate A visibly nervous Jackson faltered in Round 7, using his clock time without hurling an insult. In response, Vogel shouted "Scale House, Recycling, Tipping Fee, and Sump" in quick succession, and the contest was over. The three-judge panel awarded Vogel the championship on the basis of her particular trashy insults as well as her "impressive technical knowledge of waste management."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-17-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G A man had a son, but he was born as only a head. The man loved his son very much and took care of him, even though he was only a head. When the son turned 21, the man took him to a bar. "One whiskey for my boy, barkeep!" said the man. "You don't want to do that," said the bartender. "He's a man, just turned 21! Get him a whiskey!" "I'm serious," the bartender insisted. "It's a bad idea." "Just do it!" ordered the man. So the bartender got the head a whiskey, and when he drank it, he sprouted a body! The head and his dad were excited, but the bartender wasn't pleased. "Wow, another one of those for my boy!" yelled the man. "It's a really bad idea," the bartender stated. "Just give him a stupid whiskey! Geez, I'm payin', ain't I?" said the man, a little frustrated now. So the bartender gave the son a whiskey, and he grew an arm! The father made the bartender give more whiskey to the head, and he grew another arm, a leg, another leg, and finally the head was a whole person. The son was so excited that he ran into the street, screaming and shouting happily, and was hit by a car and died. "I told you," the bartender said. "You should've quit while he was a head."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2003 03:49 PM                        Rated G No Quick Rescue Contemplated for Man in Funk LINCOLN, NE (AheadOfNews.com) - The fate of a Lincoln man who fell into a large hole in the street may foreshadow a growing trend across the U.S. Junius Rackham, 69, slid into the "funk" about 2 p.m. Monday as he and his wife, Daffodil, walked home with a sack of dog biscuits from a grocery store. "Funk" is the name commonly used by Nebraskans to describe any street pothole larger than a Volkswagen. "We were just crossing an ordinary street when Junius called 'oopsie' and disappeared," said Mrs. Rackham. "I heard a splash and a lot of shouting and swearing." Efforts by neighbors to rescue Rackham with clothesline, knotted sheets, and automobile bungee cords failed Monday night, and the former grain hauler remains in the pit. Meanwhile, citing budget problems, city officials have declined to intervene. "Like most state and local governments, we no longer have money for search and rescue," said Mayor Lisa Elevator. "If people fall into potholes, they will have to remove themselves or stay there until the economy improves." "I'm so glad he has plenty of water and biscuits," Mrs. Rackham said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2003 03:54 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A know-it-all agriculture student said to a farmer:"Your methods are too old fashioned.I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be surprised either,"said the farmer,"Actually...I would be surprised if it even gave me ten pounds of apples. This is an orange tree."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 06:19 AM                        Rated G Software for Puritans Offers Automatic Sin Updates TULSA, OK (AheadOfNews.com) - Puritans everywhere may get repressed pleasure from the latest utility package from Somber Software. Brimstone Utilities IV, released by Somber late last week, provides automatic updates of new categories of sin the moment they come into existence. To use the program, the user need only be connected to the Internet. The utility links to a remote computer once a day to download and install the latest Brimstone Sin Definitions. The Definitions came into being in 1953 when the Rev. Herbert Brimstone compiled "the world's first complete encyclopedia of sin." He grouped thousands of "forbidden" human activities into four categories: Pleasant, Wonderful, Terrific, and Incredible. "Every pleasure is sinful," Brimstone wrote, "even smiling, singing, combing your hair, or admiring a flower." Brimstone is also known for a famous Puritan equation, S = C, his way of saying that the amount of sin in the world is a constant. Brimstone Utilities IV employs algorithms that re-classify human behavior to make sure that S always equals C. "Every silver lining has a cloud," a news release from Somber said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 08:10 AM                        Rated G "The Lord's Prayer is 66 words,the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence.Yet,government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 09:14 AM                        Rated R Kill the Anthropologist An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself,"I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out:"No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're screwed." [b]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 09:57 AM                        Rated G Intelligence Test (Passing requires 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Scroll Down to Check your answers below! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    *116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats?    *Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut?    *Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?    *November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?    *Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?     *Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name?    *Albert 8) What color is a purple finch?    *Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?    *New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?    *Orange, of course. What do you mean you failed?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 09:36 AM                        Rated G Wester Bunny Delivers Jelly Beans on Schedule PROVIDENCE, RI (AheadOfNews.com) - Substituting for an Easter Bunny with a headache, the Wester Bunny delivered baskets of giant jelly beans and chocolate eggs this year to the children of Rhode Island. "The main Easter Bunny caught cold in early April and felt a little run down," said Mark Kendall, chief bunny dispatcher for Radio Rabbit of Providence, "so we sent out a substitute." Radio Rabbit allows its bunnies a good deal of latitude in choosing what to deliver. The Easter Bunny, a cottontail, prefers brightly-colored hen eggs and marshmallow chickens. The Wester Bunny, a European breed, generally "goes heavy" on jelly beans and solid dark chocolate, Kendall said. The bunny tradition had its origin in pre-Christian fertility lore. The fertile rabbit represented the new life of spring. Later, in Christian societies, the rabbit delivered Easter baskets filled with sugary treats. "Our rabbits have a lot more children to visit than they did in the old days," Kendall said. "When Easter and Wester both get tired, we dispatch Norther. She's a big old snowshoe with a liking for bon bons."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 01:22 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A Farmer's Troubles Explained It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds to dollars, me bloomin overdraft doubles. Then they brought in killograms instead of pounds and me woolclip dropped by half. Then they changed rain to millimeters and we haven't had a inch of rain since. They brought in celsius and it never got over 40; no wonder me wheat wouldn't grow. Then they changed acres to hectares and I end up with half the land I had. By this time I'd had it and decided to sell out. I got the place in the agent's hands when they changed from miles to kilometres. Now I'm too far out of town for anyone to buy the stinking place!!  |  IP: Logged

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