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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 09:39 AM                        Rated G I tried to call everyone the other day from a pay phone,but I used my donor card instead of my calling card. Cost me an arm and a leg!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 09:41 AM                        Rated G San Quentin prison turns 150 years old this month. Of course, the most despicable criminals are now housed in more modern facilities. WorldCom, Enron, Xerox...Global Crossings  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 09:54 AM                        Rated G Catherine A few weeks ago I was at the train station where I had bought myself a bottle of water a packet of biscuits and a magazine. I went to sit down on the wooden bench on the platform to wait for the train. While I was waiting a man sat down near me. And he started eating my biscuits. Well I was quite disturbed about this but wasn't sure whether to say anything to him. I then started to get annoyed about it and decided to eat them as well. I ate one, he ate one, I ate one and he ate one till we reached the last one then he quickly ate it and picked up the empty packet and throw it in the bin and walked away. Well just at that point the train arrived on the platform so nothing could be done about it. I picked up my bottle of water and my magazine and there lying underneath the magazine was the packet of biscuits I had bought. I had been eating the man's biscuits!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 09:58 AM                        Rated G Signs of the Times A sign over a display of pine boards at HOME DEPOT: "Knotty, but Nice!" A crowded supermarket may be a dangerous place.There's frequently a hold up at the check out. Did you hear about the Mother Superior who was overweight? She ate nun fattening foods Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get. "As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the person." To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 04:28 PM                        Rated G When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older,you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 05:05 PM                        Rated G Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid ---------------------------------- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in,no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age..... and isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow *your* tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" You answer a question with, "because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 05:09 PM                        Rated G Michele I had a "drug" problem when I was young. I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning. I was "drug" to church for weddings and funerals. I was "drug" to family reunions no matter the weather. I was "drug" to the bus stop to go to School every weekday. I was "drug" by my ears when disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also "drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents. Those "drugs" are still in my veins;and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.They are stronger than cocaine,crack or heroin,and if our children had this kind of "drug" problem,America would certainly be a better place!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 02:59 PM                        Rated G Looking Down and Out, Climber Ascends Everest KATHMANDU, NEPAL (AheadOfNews.com) - A German climber has set a new Everest record some thought impossible. Maximilian Koch is the first person to reach the top of the world's highest mountain by walking and climbing the entire route backwards, facing away from the mountain. Koch, who practiced his unusual techniques in the Alps, reached the summit yesterday via the South Col Route used by Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay in 1953. Ang Mingmar Sherpa, who accompanied Koch and directed him to out-of-sight handholds and ladder rungs, radioed from the 29,035-foot summit that Koch was allowing himself to look at the mountain for the first time. "Wow!" Koch was reported to have said. Expert climbers worldwide have said that ascending technically demanding pitches like the Hillary Step while facing away from the mountain is almost impossible. Before Koch's ascent, no one else had ever attempted "sneaking up" on Everest and its cliffs, crevasses, avalanches, and ice falls. A jubilant Koch is reported to be planning a return to Everest in the near future. He plans to climb Everest entirely backwards while holding hands with his wife, Franziska.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:01 PM                        Rated G Searching through row upon row of Christmas trees, my husband Norm and I picked one we liked. Then I noticed the one being held by a woman nearby "the" perfect tree. I watched as she carried it around the lot and couldn't believe my eyes when she set it aside. I ditched ours and ran over to grab the coveted tree. "Aren't we lucky?" I said to Norm. "I do feel a little guilty, though, for taking it before she could change her mind." "Don't worry," he replied. "She just ran over and snatched ours." [Reader's Digest.]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:15 PM                        Rated G An Australian woman stuck her dead husband's ashes in her breast implants. Geez, I wonder how many guys at that funeral asked to see the body. -- Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:21 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Now who's jealous? I'll be 45 in July and so far every barber / hair stylist I've ever been to has marveled at how thick and how much hair I've got.It's about 60% gray,but, at least I've got it. Unlike my friend Mark whom I saw the other day. Seems like every week he gets closer and closer to looking like a cue ball. When I saw him I said, "Hey, Mark, I think you should quit denying it, sport.You're going bald." He bristled and replied,"I'm NOT 'going bald.'I'm getting 'more head.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:37 PM                        Rated G Computer Goes to the Tune of Yesterday Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a millstone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, I believe in yesterday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:40 PM                        Rated G Advice from Baby Blues "If you have any problems at all,don't hesitate to shut up." --Robert Mankoff We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller "You may not be able to change the entire world, but touch one soul and change their world forever." --Bob Perks According to historians women used cosmetics in the Middle Ages and today women are using cosmetics in the middle ages,too. When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses... they have a mid-wife crisis.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 06:42 AM                        Rated G David in Liverpool The following are all answers given in the UK version of family fortunes Q. Name something a blind person might use A. A sword Q. Name a song with moon in the title A. Blue Suede Moon Q. Name a bird with a long neck A. Naomi Campbell Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch A. A burglar Q. Name a famous brother and sister A. Bonnie & Clyde Q. Name a dangerous race A. The Arabs Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers A. A horse Q. Name something that floats in the bath A. Water Q. Name something you wear on the beach A. A deckchair Q. Name something Red A. My cardigan Q. Name a famous royal A. Mail Q. Name a number you have to memorise A. 7 Q. Name something in the garden that's green A. Shed Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine A. A bicycle with wings Q. Name something you might be allergic to A. Skiing Q. Name a famous bridge A. The bridge over troubled waters Q. Name something a cat does A. Goes to the toilet Q. Name something you do in the bathroom A. Decorate Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo A. A dog Q. Name something associated with the police A. Pigs Q. Name a sign of the zodiac A. April Q. Name something slippery A. A conman Q. Name a kind of ache A. Fillet 'O' Fish (?) Q. Name a food that can be brown or white A. Potato Q. Name a jacket potato topping A. Jam Q. Name a famous Scotsman A. Jock Q. Name something with a hole in it A. Window Q. Name a non-living object with legs A. Plant Q. Name a domestic animal A. Leopard Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' A. Knee Q. Name a way of cooking fish A. Cod Q. Name something you open other than a door A. Your bowels  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 09:18 AM                        Rated G Mob Boss Sticks to His Principals CLEVELAND, OH (AheadOfNews.com) - According to inside sources, mob boss Rudy Gambetti learned one thing from his uncle Tony Marcotti before his tragic linguini machine accident - always stick to your principals. "There ain't a high school anywhere in the greater Cleveland area that don't have their principal in Rudy's pocket," says our informant. The reason is obvious, according to our source. "The organization has two things going for it - fear and intimidation. You want to have a strong organization, you got to find guys who dish out fear and intimidation the way 7-11 gives out slurpies." The most likely place to find the next generation of thugs? "High school shop class," says our source. "You got some kid does something so mean in shop class that he gets sent to the principal," he adds, "you got yourself one nasty little kid. All Rudy asks from his principals is a list." According to our source, another advantage to recruiting kids out of high school is that they've already got a reputation. "You don't got to pass the word that the new guy's a real badass - you got an entire graduatin' class to do it for you."  |  IP: Logged

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