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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 03:26 PM                        Rated G U.S. Attack Aimed at Helping Syrian Athletes WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Administration officials, working to build public support for a war on Syria, has listed what it calls "that country's awful track record" as a reason to attack it. "Over the years, Syria has fielded some of the worst runners and javelin hurlers the world has ever known" said White House spokesman Lionel Krautboot. "Sports fans from El Bab to Damascus are begging for relief." According to Krautboot, Washington plans to attack Syria on or about Sept. 11, 2004, two months before the next U.S. presidential election. "The timing of our attack has nothing to do with domestic politics," Krautboot said, "and everything to do with preparing Syria for the Olympics in 2008. This administration has profound concern for the well-being of athletes and sports fans throughout the Middle East." Critics of the white paper, "Fourteenth Reason for Attacking Syria," noted that two Syrians had already won Olympic medals without U.S. intervention. Ghada Shouaa won the gold in 1996 in the women's heptathlon, and Joseph Atteya won the silver in men's weightlifting in 1984. However, Krautboot denied the relevance of these two cases. "Weightlifting is not a track event," he said, "and whoever heard of Ghada Shouaa?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 03:33 PM                        Rated G Michele A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 06:20 AM                        Rated PG Michele Las Vegas claims it is now family friendly, but it has always been family friendly - especially if you were in one of the five mob families.There are two types of people who go to Las Vegas - high rollers and tourists. Clearly, you want to be a high roller. Here is a simple quiz to see if you have what it takes. High Roller Quiz 1. Your idea of a show is: a) Spending $5000 for two tickets to see Streisand b) Asking the hotel concierge for "comps" so you can see the Bobby Berosini orangutans 2. The dealer is showing a six, you have two eights, you: a) Get a marker for $50,000, split the eights, and let it ride b) Tell the dealer you don't have any eights and say "Go Fish" 3. A typical night involves: a) Three hookers in a hot tub, Charlie Sheen, and a bottle of Dom b) Dry-humping your wife's leg while she's asleep 4. You're on a first name basis with every: a) Pit boss and madam in town b) The cashier at the 99¢ buffet 5. You spend the afternoon: a) Paying $2000 to an escort named Candy for a "Hoover" special b) Actually visiting the Hoover dam If you answered "a"to every question,you're a high roller. If you answered "b" to every question,you're a tourist. High rollers are mob guys,tourists are mob meat.But not all mob guys are high rollers.Those who don't make the grade go to Atlantic City (AC),which stands for "Always Crappy".You know you're a loser if that's your idea of a gambling vacation. It is,however,only one of two places in New Jersey where a mob guy will ever be found. The other is buried in the end zone at The Meadowlands.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 12:19 PM                        Rated G The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For Example: USA uses USS which means "United States Ship." The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship." and now...Italy is using AMB which means "At's My Boat!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 12:24 PM                        Rated G They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G Eternal Youth Over-Rated, Says Expert MIAMI, FL (AheadOfNews.com) - Eternal Youth may not be worth it, says Dr. Richard Fizz of the Ponce de Leon Foundation. The Ponce de Leon Foundation, named after the Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon who searched the New World for the legendary Fountain of Youth, seeks ways of slowing or reversing the aging process. "Imagine an eternity of high school," says Fizz. "Day after day, dealing with spitballs and algebra class and gym class and the smell of spilled chocolate milk, for ever, and ever, with no hope of ever graduating. It would be like watching the same Buffy rerun for eternity, only without the interesting monsters or the commercial breaks." The Ponce de Leon Foundation has turned its efforts towards returning youth to the body, while keeping the mind essentially unchanged. Dr. Fizz says that while this would probably appeal to most people, it too may result in some unfortunate complications. "Imagine an 18-year-old Republican," he says. "What could be weirder than that?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated PG Michele Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate ~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off." ~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears. ~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work. ~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking. ~ Your son:"C'mon dad,PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!" You:"Son,go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are." ~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars. ~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle. ~ There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac. ~ You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any. ~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns." ~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle. ~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sounds like the Indy 500. ~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles. ~ Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you. ~ Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty,naughty little boys!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G For centuries,people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 01:09 PM                        Rated G Freud Liked to Dress as Woman, Historian Says TUSCALOOSA, AL (AheadOfNews.com) - Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis,liked to wear women's clothing under his Victorian suits,according to an article in the spring issue of Psyche Spy. Rodney Twinkle, Ph.D.,professor of history at the University of Alabama, maintains that Freud's repressed desires to mate with his mother led to his secret habit of cross-dressing.Twinkle bases his theory largely on a huge cache of clothes found in Paris decades ago and preserved in Le Slip Museum in Paris. "Freud lived in Paris for a while when he was about 30 years old,"Twinkle said in a recent interview."He had a secret apartment, rented in the name of Hans Strudel.The Strudel apartment consisted mainly of a bedroom with a wash basin and numerous closets filled with symbols of repressed desire.A French admirer of 19th century clothing acquired the Strudel materials and other interesting garment collections and eventually created a small museum,Le Slip,to preserve and display them.Nothing linked Strudel to Freud until, based on an educated guess,we tested the clothing in Le Slip Museum for Freud's DNA. "The Strudel/Freud collection includes all sorts of things like late Victorian corsets with 12-inch steel busks,hoop skirts with flounces,bloomers and drawers in various sizes and colors, shoes,hats,fans,jewelry,ruffled petticoats,and lace dresses.In one pair of bloomers,we found a typed note reading,'Does my bum look too big in this?' "Freud appears to have been the Imelda Marcos of petticoats.He loved chemises,and he had hundreds of them in his closets.We believe this discovery gives new meaning to the term,'Freudian slip.' "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:03 PM                        Rated G Wherever we take our twin daughters,strangers always come up to us and say,"Look,twins!"During a Las Vegas trip,though,we were wheeling them in their stroller through a hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed,"Look, a pair!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:15 PM                        Rated G A French guest,staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper,or white pepper?"asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:30 PM                        Rated G An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you," he said,"I've been lost for three days!" "Don't get too excited,friend,"the other hunter replied."I've been lost for three weeks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:39 PM                        Rated G Michele I have become convinced that one useless man is called a disgrace, two useless men are called a law firm and three or more useless men are called a congress. -- John Adams  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:41 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues "What kind of music do you sing?" "Aqua-pella." "Don't you mean 'a cappella',singing without instrumental accompaniment?" "Nope.I mean 'aqua-pella',singing accompanied only by my the water coming out of my shower-head."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:43 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I don't kill flies,but I like to mess with their minds.I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,"Whooa,I'm way too high!"  |  IP: Logged

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