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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2003 02:43 PM                        Rated G B.B. Our Town Is So Small... Our city limits signs are both on the same post! The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 The phone book has only one page. The ZIP code was a fraction. Second Street is in the next town over.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 07:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Two pickpockets are out for a walk together one evening. Every now and then,one of them stops,takes out his watch and looks at it. His companion begins to get annoyed. "What's up with you?" he says."Why do you keep looking at your watch? Ain't it workin'?" "I'm not looking at it to see the time," says the other."I'm looking at it to make sure that it's still there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 10:25 AM                        Rated PG Michele A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's impotentcy problem. The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and stand back. The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, "Just put two of these in my husband's dinner tonight." As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure,like I got nothing better to do,and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and cries, "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 06:12 PM                        Rated PG "Blow your nose" is an interesting phrase.Because you don't really blow your nose,you blow through your nose.If you blew your nose,I think they'd put you away.You might get someone else to blow your nose,but he would have to be a very close friend. Or completely drunk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 06:20 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man is celebrating his 100th birthday,so the editor of the local newspaper sends a reporter over to do a feature story on the old timer. The reporter begins by asking the old tried and true question, "To what do you attribute your longevity?" "Well,young lady," the gentleman says,"I never smoked,never drank alcoholic beverages or over-ate,and I got up every morning of my life at six o'clock." "But,I had an uncle who did exactly the same," the reporter says,"and he only lived to be 80. How do you account for that?" "He didn't keep it up long enough," says the centenarian.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-08-2003 08:35 PM                        Rated G "George Carlin" Thanks to JJ on the left Coast. GEORGE CARLIN POST 9-11 (His wife recently died...) Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - gross and mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent ... and so very appropriate post 9-11. A wonderful Message by George Carlin: The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,wider freeways,but narrower viewpoints.We spend more,but have less,we buy more,but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences,but less time.We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge,but less judgment,more experts,yet more problems, more medicine,but less wellness. We drink too much,smoke too much,spend too recklessly,laugh too little,drive too fast,get too angry,stay up too late,get up too tired,read too little,watch TV too much,and pray too seldom.We have multiplied our possessions,but reduced our values.We talk too much,love too seldom,and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living,but not a life.We've added years to life not life to years.We've been all the way to the moon and back,but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.We conquered outer space but not inner space.We've done larger things,but not better things. We've cleaned up the air,but polluted the soul.We've conquered the atom,but not our prejudice.We write more,but learn less.We plan more,but accomplish less.We've learned to rush,but not to wait.We build more computers to hold more information,to produce more copies than ever,but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,big men and small character,steep profits and shallow relationships.These are the days of two incomes but more divorce,fancier houses,but broken homes.These are days of quick trips,disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,and pills that do everything from cheer,to quiet,to kill.It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.A time when technology can bring this letter to you,and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. Remember,spend some time with your loved ones,because they are not going to be around forever.Remember,say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.Remember,to give a warm hug to the one next to you,because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember,to say,"I love you" to your partner and your loved ones,but most of all mean it.A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love,give time to speak,and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away. HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers.This includes age,weight and height.Let the doctor worry about them.That is why you pay him/her. 2. Keep only cheerful friends..The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning.Learn more about the computer,crafts,gardening, whatever.Never let the brain idle."An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often,long and loud.Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen.Endure,grieve,and move on.The only person who is with us our entire life,is ourselves.Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love,whether it's family, pets,keepsakes,music,plants,hobbies,whatever.Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health:If it is good, preserve it.If it is unstable,improve it.If it is beyond what you can improve,get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips.Take a trip to the mall,to the next county,to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them,at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares? -George Carlin  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:31 AM                        Rated G Fun Facts 1. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. 2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. 3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. 4. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. 5. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 6. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. 7. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. 8. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. 9. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache 10. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. 11. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. 12. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. 13. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 14. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. 15. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. 16. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. 17. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. 18. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 20. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. 21. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. 22. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. 23. Pearls melt in vinegar. 24. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. 25. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. 26. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs. 27. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. 28. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases, but not circular ones. 29. Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal," The second? William Jefferson Clinton. And, the best for last..... 30. Turtles can breathe through their butts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road,the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 09:03 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee I went looking for a rest room and found two doors with pictures of dogs on them. I was completely baffled, so I searched out the manager and admitted that I couldn't tell the difference between the male dog and the female dog. "That's not the idea," the manager smiled and said. "One dog is a pointer,and the other is a setter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 09:11 AM                        Rated G Two divers surface after a long, deep dive.As their heads pop out of the water,a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts,"It's those Buccaneers!" To which the other replies,"Yeah, mine are hurting too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 09:30 AM                        Rated G Joan on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where are you going?" asks Joan. "I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention." Later, Joan's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the flight?" he asks. "Oh, fine," says Joan. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for." "Why'd you feel sorry for him?" "He didn't have any testicles."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 11:20 AM                        Rated G Michele A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake. After about 2 hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it. The first man yells,"Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars??" The other man yells back,"They're not whores...they're my sisters!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 05:51 AM                        Rated R Hank in Simi The Biker & the Lady A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry his entire purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get too Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 07:00 AM                        Rated G B.B. The Dieter's Prayer Lord, my soul is ripped with riot, Incited by my wicked diet. "We are what we eat," said a wise old man. Lord, if that's true,I'm a garbage can. I want to rise on Judgment Day,that's plain, But at my present weight I'll need a crane. So grant me strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol. May my flesh with carrot curls be sated, That my soul may be polyunsaturated. And show me the light that I may bear witness To the President's Council on Physical Fitness. And oleo margarine I'll never mutter For the road to h*** is spread with butter. And cream is cursed, and cake is awful, And satan is hiding in every waffle. Mephistopheles lurks in provolone, The devil is in each slice of bologna. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop And lucifer is a lollipop. Give me this day, my daily slice But cut it thin and toast it twice. I beg upon my dimpled knees, Deliver me from Ju Jubees. And when my days of trial are done And my war with malted milks is won, Let me stand with the saints in Heaven In a shining robe, size thirty-seven ! I can do it, Lord, if you'll show to me The virtues of lettuce and celery. If you'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise The sinfulness of hollandaise, And pasta Milanese And potatoes a la Lyonnaise, And crisp fried chicken from the south. Lord, if you love me,SHUT MY MOUTH!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2003 02:24 PM                        Rated G Lorraine HAIR SPRAY USES: 1. Spray the Sunday comics section with hair spray for makeshift wrapping paper. The spray will give the paper a nice glossy shine. 2. Hair spray will preserve certain flowers such as baby's breath,broom grass and cattails. It will also preserve autumn leaves. 3. Hair spray will remove ink stains from clothing and vinyl. Spray it on the stain, then blot with a rag until the ink comes out. Wash as normal. 4. Before threading a needle, spray the end of the thread to stiffen it.This will make it a lot easier to thread. 5. Chalk art won't smear or fade if sprayed with a coat of hair spray. 6. When finished polishing decorative copper or brass,spray with a light coat of hair spray.This will protect the copper and brass from tarnish. 7. Use it to remove dried-on glue.The hair spray will dissolve it. 8. It also works to control pests.Spray an annoying flying bug with hair spray and its wings will stiffen,causing it to fall to the ground. 9. If a zipper is constantly falling down,spray it with hair spray,and it will stay in place.The hair spray must contain lacquer for this tip to work.Cover the fabric surrounding the zipper before spraying. 10. Spray a small amount on a run on a pair of pantyhose to prevent it from running any further.  |  IP: Logged

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