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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2003 06:23 AM                        Rated PG Nan In Warwick An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."  The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out. Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa,Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was that all about anyway?" The Indian says,"Me in training for Rhode Island State job.Drink coffee,shoot the shit,and disappear for a few days."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher."I try to learn,but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher."But you only have two ears, boy." "Guess I'm no good at math, either!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 07:44 AM                        Rated G Michele My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized.Before she leaves on a trip,she always types up address labels for her postcards.This time,I figured I'd done her one better.I boasted,"You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready to go." My sister was silent for a moment,and then she said,"You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 07:47 AM                        Rated PG Michele Kvetchmore Labs announced that it is expecting early FDA approval for a more environmental friendly bubble gum.You are expected to swallow the gum after chewing.This has two ecological benefits: 1. It doesn't end up being stuck under table tops. 2. Your farts are ejected in non-stinky bubbles.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated G SAILING TERMS: Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats. Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at in opportune or unexpected times. Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight. Bare Boat - Clothing Optional. Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly.This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort.The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front),`following sea' (waves striking from the rear),and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction). Berth - a little addition to the crew. Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Boom - Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.For slow crew,it's called `boom, boom.' Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted. Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage. Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground. Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next. Companionway - a double berth. Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing.Also,the language that results by not being able to. Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations. Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom. Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desire destination, or towards a hazard Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef. Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300. Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders. Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell. Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later. Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not. First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to. Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try. Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey. Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner. Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat. Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work. Head up - Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offense Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho. Jack Lines - `Hey baby, want to go sailing?' Jibe - either you like it or you don’t and it gets you. Keel - term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper. Ketch - A sailboat with good wine in the cabin Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not. Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest. Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail. Mizzen - an object you can’t find. Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin. Noserly - What to call the wind direction when it comes from where you're going Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers. Rhumb Line - two or more crew members waiting for a drink. Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense. Schooner - A sailboat with a fully stocked liquor cabinet in the cabin Sheet - cool, damp, salty night covering. Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake. Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.) Swell - a wave that’s just great. Square Rigger - a rigger over 30. Sloop - A sailboat with beer and/or wine in the cabin. Tack – A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad. Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 03:25 PM                        Rated G Michele Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said to his wife: "Boy, you sure have got fat in four years." [ 09-23-2003, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-21-2003 04:36 PM                        How to speak about Women and Be Politically Correct: 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK. - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER. - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 3. She is not EASY. - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 4. She is not DUMB. - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION  SUPERHIGHWAY. 5. She has not BEEN AROUND. - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 6. She is not an AIRHEAD. - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY. - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS. - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 9. She does not NAG YOU. - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is not a SLUT. - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE. - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY  CORRECT: 1. He does not have a BEER GUT. - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE   FACILITY. 2. He is not a BAD DANCER. - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 4. He is not BALDING. - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. 5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. - He has SWINE EMPATHY. 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED 10. He is not HORNY. - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants..... - It is REAR CLEAVAGE  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated G KNJ A museum in Tacoma, Wash., agreed to lend our museum in Kelowna, B.C., its 2,500-year-old mummy, Ankhwennefer, who is believed to have been a priest in ancient Egypt. When our conservator accompanied the sarcophagus across the border into Canada, the customs officer asked her what she was bringing back. After she told him, he asked, "Do you have a death certificate?" From the Reader's Digest  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 06:45 AM                        Rated G KNJ The Wolf Cubs were working on emergency kits as part of that evening's program. They were packing small containers with items such as adhesive bandages, gauze and scissors. As well, my co- leader had purchased tiny Bibles to be included. As we worked, we explained to the boys the purpose of each item and how to use it. When we handed the Bibles out, one Cub asked what they were for. Before we could respond, a small voice answered, "It's for when the emergency kit doesn't work." From the Reader's Digest  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 07:27 AM                        Rated G B.B. QUESTIONS FROM THE DEEP ZONE... Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"? If the #2 pencil is the most popular,why is it still #2? If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 07:45 AM                        Rated PG B.B. A self-made grocer named Bates decided to send his son to an expensive private school. On the first day, he takes the whole family to meet the principal of the school.He makes the introductions, "I am Sir Shortweight Bates, this is my wife Lady Bates, our daughter Miss Bates and our son Master Bates"." Oh he does", says the principal, "we'll get him out of that habit quickly"!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:01 AM                        Rated G First Hurricane, Adam and Eve were walking with Caine and Abel on a road towards home when they notice a storm coming towards them. Eve turned to look for her sons,when she notice Cain was a distance behind,she called to him,and said Hurry Cain.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated G A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest,and writers cramp.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated X Louise What Did She Swallow?! A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself: A tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but that she had also castrated her husband and circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given her minister a hairlip... ...and there were still 5 shaves left!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:30 AM                        Rated PG Harry in Reno There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder.Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain,and finally reached their car just as the rain let up.They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, aughing and,of course,still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" The old man kept knocking,so the driver said,"Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So,the passenger rolled his window down part way and,scared out of his wits, said,"What do you want?" The old man softly replied,"Do you have any cigarettes?" The passenger,terrified,looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette." "Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says,"What do you think of that?" The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells. "Well,see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"  |  IP: Logged

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