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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G HOW RODNEY GOT HIS NAME: What's in a Name? I tell you, with me nothing works out. I always get stuck.That's how I got my name, RODNEY DANGERFIELD. When I went into show business I saw an ad in the paper.It said: "Improve Your Personalilty..." So, I went to see the man. He told me my personality was okay but my name was my problem. I said to him, "My name? How could a name be a problem? Even William Shakespeare said, 'What's in a name?" He said, "Who?" I said, "William Shakespeare." He said, "Look, do you want to listen to me or do you want to listen to your friends?" I said to him, "I don't understand. Is it good to change your name?" He said, "Of course I always keep changing my name. In fact, right now I can give you a very good deal. I can give you a new name for five hundred dollars". I said, "Five hundred dollars! That's a lot of money." He said, "It's a great name. It's a name once people hear it, they'll start saying it." I said, "What's the name?" He said, "Rodney Dangerfield." I said, "RODNEY DANGERFIELD?" He said, "See, you just heard it, and your're starting to say it! Listen to me, take the name." I said, "Wait a minute. Suppose I use the name and I don't like it. Can I bring it back?" He said, "Of course. All I ask is one thing. While you're using the name, don't give it a bad name!" So I decided to call myself Rodney Dangerfield. As soon as I got home, I thought to myself I made a mistake. I called the guy up. I said, "Look, I want my money back. This is Rodney Dangerfield." He said, "Who?" I said, "Dangerfield! Don't you remember?" He said, "Oh, yeah, Shakespeare's friend." I said, "Look, I don't want the name." He said, "Don't be foolish. Try it for two weeks. I guarantee you'll like it." I tried the name for two weeks, I still didn't like it. I went to bring it back. I couldn't find the guy. He changed his name.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I would love the nakedness of it all. He said it was stylish. He said I would feel cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he had been thinking about this for a long time. He said he would do it himself. He said he would be careful. He said he would go slow. He said he was ready to begin. He said to lay down. He said that he would help me relax. He said he loved me. He said he felt like an artist. He said he was done. He said he adored the way it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he wanted to show me off. He said he needed to take me out like this. He said that he wanted people to see me like this. He said we would have a most exciting day. He said he would be right back. He said he had to get his shoes on. I said... Well, I didn't say anything. Poodles don't talk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 08:26 AM                        Rated G A man asks a friend in his office who has just returned from a holiday what he did while he was away. "My wife and I made a tour of the most famous holy shrines of Europe," he says. "We wound up in Rome, and you know what? In the middle of the great throng gathered there,a great miracle occurred." "A miracle?" his colleague asks. "What happened?" "I lost my wife!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G OXYMORON OF THE DAY Actually, make that 10 oxymorons of the day: 10. Pretty Ugly 9. Military Intelligence 8. Working Vacation 7. Tax Return 6. Cooked Sushi 5. Dodge Ram 4. Work Party 3. Hard Water 2. Healthy Tan And the number on oxymoron is of course: 1. Microsoft Works  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 09:07 AM                        Rated G Lainey COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me." ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 12:31 PM                        Rated G WAYS TO SAY - YOUR STUPID A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off her cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay her brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 12:40 PM                        Rated PG Billy The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot. The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops,but you've got to be young and smart to do that." The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap. "Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 12:42 PM                        Rated G A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 02:12 PM                        Rated G Changes I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.I am making some changes in my life.Please leave a message after the beep.If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 02:28 PM                        Rated G Michele One evening during a poker game,a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army. "But,wait a minute," said one listener."Your sister will have to dress with the boys and shower with them,too.Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well,won't they find out?" asked another poker player. The first man shrugged his shoulders and replied,"Sure.But who is gonna tell?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 02:38 PM                        Rated G Michele Products That Never Sold... * "Drill 'Em 'N Fill 'Em" Home Dentistry Kit * "Boobs in a Bottle" Breast Enlargement Formula * "Jump-Start" Home Defibrilator: Save someone from a heart attack without the hassle of rushing them to a hospital! * "Golden Shower" Beer: The only alcoholic beverage made from 100% recycled beer. * "Time Life Books Presents Home Surgery" * "'Stripper Fun' Barbie" * The Book of Mormon, Episode II * "No Thanks" Trapdoor for Solicitors: Installed with iron spikes,crocodiles cost extra * "Balz-Off" Testosterone Repressor * Keychain Belly Rings: Hang your keys on your belly button! * "'Gynecologist' Ken": Comes with "'Sexy Patient' Barbie" * "Nice Ass" Jeans * "'Operating Fun' Barbie": Give Barbie a new heart, lung, or kidney! * "Other Side" Near-Death Inducing Kit: See your deceased loved ones momentarily! (Caution: May cause irreversible results.) * "'Star Wars' 'Tearing Attack' Rancor": Comes with limited edition "'Mutilated' Gamorrean Guard" * "Lung Drano": Cleans out the lungs of the serious smoker! * "Friday the 13th Part XXXII: Jason Gets Married" * "Crab Lice Killer" * "The Flatulence 500": The only car which runs on pure methane. * "Ernest Goes to Hell" (Yeah, we only wish) * "Dam-U" Home Curse Kit: Comes with voodoo doll and thirteen (13) pins. * "Rainforest" Brand Christmas Trees * "Nu-Life" Blood Donation Kit * "Bobbit" Brand Home Circumcision Kit * "I Couldn't See Him" Brand Sunglasses * "'Prostitute' Barbie": Comes with "'Pimp' Ken" * Sewer Rat Feeders * "Man's Best Friend" Rabid Watchdogs: For those serious about guarding their house. (Caution: May become irritable.) * "How to Make the Voices in Your Head Shut Up"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 05:05 PM                        Rated G Michele Recently we called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone,press one now.If you are calling from a rotary phone,hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 05:11 PM                        Rated G B.B. Real Maturity As I mature, with my gray hair and character lines,I am noticing more and more girls interested in me.One asked me,if my hair was real.I told her,"Would anyone buy hair like this? Another wanted to know if my teeth were mine.I told her,"Certainly they are mine.I just made the last payment." But,all seriousness aside, more and more girls are giving me the once over.Once they look at me,it's all over.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 05:20 PM                        Rated G Michele NOT JUST FOR HOUSEWORK ANY MORE!! A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although their explanations are rarely so straightforward.One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover when it "mysteriously switched itself on" and sucked him in. A 65 year-old signalman bent down to pick up his tools and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum,while another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the accident happened. Bizarrely,all were in a state of almost total undress when their accidents happened.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2003 05:34 AM                        Rated G Inner Peace I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article,I have finally found inner peace... It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So, today I have finished a bottle of vodka,a bottle of red wine,my Prozac,a small box of chocolates and a six pack of Bud... ...You have no idea how good I feel! You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...  |  IP: Logged

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